Hello all – I am off to Toronto for the better part of a week. Stay happy, stay safe and remember – the most important part of spending the Holidays with family and friends is that you don’t accidentally offend anyone while privately enjoying your long-standing traditions. I leave you with this (hat tip to Taz)…

“On the 2nd day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 8-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone- poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled

processed tree carcasses

and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.”

Merry Christmas. So there!

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Saturday night I was at a friend’s holiday party, and we were all having a terrific time. At some point towards the end of the evening, I went upstairs to use the 2nd bathroom and had a little trouble getting back down. That is to say – my friends found me in a large pool of blood at the bottom of one of the staircases, knocked the fuck out.

I mashed my face off of about 10 steps in total, and when I finally went to the hospital yesterday I became their guest for 11 hours. My nose is broken, gashed, and I have a 3 inch tear in my inside lower lip. Why am I telling you all this instead of being embarrassed and keeping it to myself? The answer is simple – I am going to look like Mitch Green for the next month, and am also going to get really tired of telling the story (and frightening children) again and again.

I have been in a far worse scrapes over the years but have never looked as bad as this. My face looks like a ripe plum, and this is going to be an awesome way to see all my extended family at Christmas. “SURE you fell down the stairs, Dave. What does the other guy look like?” Oh alcohol, my fickle friend. This might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back/nose. Resolution calling, anyone?