I have been on the road today, and having trouble finding inspiration for a good post. Luckily, it just came in the form of an instant messenge from a friend. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst burglar in human history. Please believe me when I say this is worth the time it takes to watch it.

When I think of a cat burglar, which is defined as: A burglar who is especially skilled at stealthy or undetected entry of a premises, I think of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ sweet buttocks pointed in the air as she navigates lasers under the tutiledge and raging erection of Sir Sean Connery. Or James Caan in Thief, but in this case more skill set and less buttocks. Regardless, the subject of the surveillance in this case is going to be burned into my related funny bone for a long time. He can’t even hit the camera with the margarita mix. Like a rat in a trap, as the police arrive, he sits down for a quick surrender smoke.

50 contact bottle top bruises, 5 to 10 with good behavior, a new respect for drop-ceiling strength and a pack of Marlboro Lights. A haul worthy of Danny Ocean himself.

As I walked past the mirror on my way to the bathroom this morning, I noticed an enormous bump in the middle of my forehead. It’s closer to the hairline, and I sort of look like a budding young unicorn – I have an impacted wisdom horn, perhaps. It’s pretty ridiculous, and I almost thought about working from home today rather than face society with this goose egg. But then again, I’ll stay home for a good episode of Columbo. I am a professional, you see.

So I have to assume it was some sort of bug. And due to the bump size, likely a spider. And that’s just nasty. What else is fucking with me while I slumber? Is the cat tea-bagging me with little furry orange nuts in retribution for questionable litter box cleanliness? Is it Santa who keeps drinking all my beer? I just don’t know.

So some nasty little bug bastard sat on the middle of my head and drank blood to its heart’s content. And he’s on to a good thing now, so I can probably look forward to this again. There will be a thorough ceiling spider check when I get home tonight, and possibly masturbating.

My sister introduced me to Jon Wilkerson earlier this year, and we eventually all went to a Belle and Sebastian concert here in Boston. I hadn’t seen him since, and was shocked when I was sent his accident-related website earlier today:

“On Wednesday, June 21, 2006, Jon Wilkerson was involved in a tragic mountain biking accident at the Des Moines Creek Park in Kent, WA just outside Seattle. Jon was by himself when it occurred so he spent the night alone, hanging on until strangers found him the following day. Jon was in critical condition when found, requiring resuscitation and stabilization. His neck was broken at vertebrae C6 and suffered additional damage above and below this vertebrae. The accident has rendered Jon with limited mobility from his neck down. Since being hospitalized, he has also dealt with several significant complications including 4 bouts of pneumonia.”

According to the site, set up in his name to raise money for his treatment, Jon is doing as well as can be expected and is in very good hands. I thought I’d mention it here today to give him a little search engine juice and wish him a full recovery. He was a genuinely terrific guy and I’m sorry I didn’t get to know him better before he moved. Godspeed, Jon.