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Friday’s Quizzlet: Please Excuse My Pubes.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: What do you want for Valentine’s Day?
Receiving something on Valentine’s Day means that you have a significant other. Which I do not. Nor am I particularly shopping around at the moment. Sorry ladies, but you’ll have to get your daily dose of indifference elsewhere. I can, however, always count on a Valentine’s card from my Mother. I believe she may be trying to creep me out enough so I’ll get married. It’s working.

Soup: If you could change the color of something you own, what would it be?
I’d love to change my white leather couches back to white again. They’re comfortable and I love them, but they’ve been through the wars. Many scuffs, stains and general wear and tear have left them looking like giant eclairs covered in ants. Like gym socks stuffed with tennis balls and then rolled in jimmies. Like rolls of toilet paper stamped on by boots covered in nutella. Like a single section of a pan flute, increased 300 times by some sort of raygun and then hacked at with a shovel. You know what I’m talking about.

Salad: What’s your favorite day of the week and why?
Friday – hands down. Around 3 p.m. I get the angel and devil duking it out on opposite shoulders. The angel knows that if I go straight home after work and behave, the weekend will be productive and relatively inexpensive. The devil likes to remind me that although I’ll wind up broke, sleep all day and possibly wet myself – I’ll have a damn good time doing it. I recently paid for the angel to attend debate classes, and it’s the best money I ever spent. You’ll find me tonight, for example, playing video games or watching Tivo’d episodes of CSI. That sounds pretty pathetic to the casual observer, but believe me – I’ve lived a wonderful, wild life thus far and I’ve decided to start picking my battles more carefully. So be sure to come see me next weekend when the angel will be away visiting relatives in the outfield.

Main Course: What excuse do you use most often?
My father was always after me about the importance of not making lame justifications for things. Some of my friends still impersonate him by saying: “You know what those are David? Those are excuses!” He was relentless, and to this day I know intrinsically when I myself am about to make one, and the lame excuses of others stick out like sore thumbs and drive me mad. “I’m tired”. “I’ve been really busy”. And then there’s the catch-all that the British use: “I can’t be asked”. I can honestly say that a make a bare minimum of excuses for myself, and I certainly don’t have one that I use most often. Except that particularly effective one involving pubic lice.

Dessert: Name something or someone you feel sorry for.
I hate to patronize people, as I’m no bargain myself. I guess the easiest answer would be victims of the recent Tsunami in Asia. They never stood a chance, they never saw it coming and they certainly didn’t deserve it. That was some biblical shit, man. Oh, and Jan Michael Vincent.

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Why, It’s Silly Kitty Photo Day!


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There’s a small percentage of my readership who appreciates gratuitous animal photos. They’re also probably the same segment who enjoyed all the baby photos from last week and are also chicks. Since I’m too busy today to write anything noteworthy, and as a sort of antidote to all of the breast jokes from the Mardi Gras Party piece, I give you Silly Kitty Photo Day! And probably a violent bout of nausea.

First, I offer up photographic evidence to support the popular conspiracy theory that James Earl Ray did not act alone. I’m also simultaneously supporting the probability of me getting stabbed to death behind a liquor store in Mattapan.

And finally a police photo documenting the sad reality of the Iams/Purina cocktail – or ‘speedball’ as it’s known around the scratching post. The real tragedy is, this victim was only 4 weeks old! Awareness begins at home beside the litterbox.

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Mardi Mardi – We Likes To Party… Gras.


in Heartwarming

It’s been 3 months since the Halloween bender, and I’m gettin’ all itchy for another par-tay. I don’t think it’s a personal hygiene issue. But rather a desire to rage against the dying of my New Years resolutions. Actually rage towards would be a more accurate description. Join me, won’t you?

Unless you suffered a head injury in a snowmobiling accident over the weekend, you’ve probably surmised that it’s a Mardi Gras theme. Just what does that entail? Glad you asked. We’re going to have Eric the DJ spinning until 2, the Corona girls wandering around encouraging debauchery, some door prizes courtesy of a local radio station, a specially themed drink menu and as always there is absolutely no cover! I should also probably mention that it’s Saturday, February 19th at Tiernans.



                Titties ‘Till Fat Tuesday – Get those beads ready, boys.

So bring your beads, Girls Gone Wild camera crews, silly hats, disturbing masks and all the other trappings of a proper Mardi Gras celebration. I get ribbed a lot because I plan for parties way in advance. Well this time around you’ve got a little under two weeks. Get a babysitter, a designated driver, a tetanus shot – whatever you need to get yourselves down to Tiernans for the festivities. You won’t be sorry.

I’d love to see anyone who’s interested at the bender in question, and you can click here for more details. Feel free to add yourself and your friends to the Evite. Come one, come all. Unless of course I owe you money or have at any point impregnated you.

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I’m The Firestarter.


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Life is good this week. My old roomate is out and a new one is on the way in. Everything is back the way I like it, and my pad is once again it’s clean, spartan old self – sans mounds of useless curio crap that left with its owner. I’ve been painting, sweeping, mopping, consolodating, dusting and this place just looks amazing if I do say so myself.

That is until I just set fire to it.

I’m hiding in my room right now as the nasty burnt nylon/goosedown smoke clears. I had a candle near my new $160 jacket which apparently burst into flames simply due to the heat. I was downstairs loading what crap the old roomie didn’t take into the basement when I heard the fire alarm go off. I rushed upstairs to find the entire coat ablaze. A few good puffs from yours truly and it was all over, but my newly restored sanctum has been putrified.

The funny thing is, I heard that Thursday night the old roomate’s new bedroom caught on fire too. Has anyone seen Drew Barrymore walking around the North End?

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Double Secret Probation. And Death.


in Movies

John Vernon, one of the most consistently effective onscreen villains of all time – best known as Animal House’s Dean Wormer – died Tuesday at the age of 72. Born in Zehner, Saskatchewan, Vernon played baddies opposite legends like Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood. He then spent his twilight years doing voiceovers for popular cartoons and video games, working right up until the time he cashed in his chips.

One of his last appearences was for 2003’s DVD release of Animal House, where he participated in a ‘where are they now?’ segment in character as Wormer. I’ve seen it and it’s hilarious. Also funny is that I just watched this movie just last weekend whilst playing ‘Asshole’ with Seamus and Meredith. I laughed for 2 minutes at the quote below, until remembering I was 31 years old and drinking heavily at 3 in the afternoon.



“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”



Then I kept right at it. What would Blutowski have done? Oh yeah – dead at 33. Forget I brought it up.

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Babies Like Crazy: Silas Wade Hodgson


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There’s just so much reproducing going on these days. Next up, congrats to Allison and Mark for managing to create the all-new Silas Wade Hodgson! Uncle Mike is extremely proud and wanted to share the clan’s new bundle with the world/30 people who visit this site regularly. He’s a strapping young spud, but that shirt alone would have gotten him blogded.

Will Silas grow up to attend CCHS and then haunt the baseball diamonds there? Will he pursue a career in law enforcement? Will he dip his pacifier in Natty Lite and then disturb shit at every given opportunity? I can’t say for sure at this point, but I’m going to stick around and find out.

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Number 13 Baby: Jack Errol Thompson.


in Musical

Charles Thompson aka Black Francis aka Frank Black’s wife gave birth to a baby boy on January 7th. He even looks like old Frankie – Congrats to you and Violet (because I know you read my blog religiously)!

Far be it from me to fawn over celebrity babies, but what an utterly amazing year in Pixiedom. This is obviously the capper – however I still hope Blackie F. and the gang give birth to a new album before they hang it up for another 13 years.

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Monster’s B-Day 2: Surprise Party Success.


in Heartwarming

It wasn’t a surprise that the party was a success, I’m just saying that we successfully surprised him at… the… party. Anyway, Bobby and I threw up a smokescreen and told him we were going to Abe & Louie’s for a quiet dinner. Then, since we had a very ‘late reservation’, we decided to hit the SideBar first to kill time – where about 15 friends were lying in wait. “SURPRISE!” When the staff realized it wasn’t yet another health inspection, Sharon started serving up the bevvies and the wings which were enjoyed almost as much as her tanktop.

It’s funny how the only birthday present that was given to anyone was from Peter to me – a Charleston Chiefs shirt he forgot to give me back on December 7th. Above we see Peter, myself and Sarah listening to Monster’s increasingly liquored birthday prattle. If I look confused it’s because I most definitely am. More thanks to Sebby for the spread and Betsy for the decorations!

After the SideBar closed we wandered across the street to Silvertone for a Dark & Stormy. A very tasty drink indeed – although most heterosexual bars don’t carry ginger beer. I snuck out around 11:45 and was in bed watching The Surreal Life by 1am. I got in touch with Monster this morning to make sure he hadn’t been incarcerated, and I’m happy to report he’s already at the office – bleary eyed and boozy tailed. Many thanks to everyone who came! You made his day.

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Revel In My PS Prowess: A Monster Of A Birthday.


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When I first met the Monster, he was only 23 and enjoyed reminding me that I was pushing 30. Old-timer and Grandpa were terms oft-used to describe me, and there were many jokes based around Depends. Well the big galoot turns 26 today, and I take extreme pleasure in welcoming him to the second half of his fleeting twenties.

Happy birthday big guy. You test my nerves at times but you’re a good friend. I’d offer to buy you a drink, but you’re probably already sucking down a bottle of Petron in an IHOP somewhere. We’ll meet up tonight for a few quiet ones, and I’ll do my best to keep you out of the clutches of the Salem police. But I’m not making any promises.

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Tune In: Doug & Doug on FX This Weekend!


in Heartwarming

Triconi and Krintzman, a.k.a. Doug & Doug, have their new Southern Comfort TV spots airing twice this weekend during the two showings of Me Myself & Irene on FX – tonight and tomorrow at 10pm EST. The jist is, they’re scouring the seedy depths of New Orleans during Mardi Gras seeking SoCo’s secret recipe, and all sorts of funny hijinks ensue.

If you haven’t already, visit their site and watch the two hilarious videos they have posted. Then click here to see Tri-con manhandling my cat. And if you’re in watching TV tonight or Saturday, tune in and catch the spots. It’s a great movie, and the multiple ads are spaced out throught the two-hour slot. Good luck boys! This could be the start of something big. Or at least a crate of free SoCo, which Krintzman would likely prefer over Playboy bunnies anyday.

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Oinkers Away: The New Year’s Blind Date.


in Heartwarming

When Janet told me that her New Year’s Eve Blind Date was a bit of a pig, I just thought she meant he was portly. Or perhaps went for tongue during the midnight kiss. Boy, was I WAY off.

I know, I know. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I’m sure porky keeps his sty clean, is an effective truffle sniffer and never, ever, squeals like Ned Beatty. I too have picked up a few pigs in Pho over the years – who hasn’t – but they always had hearts of gold. And were men.

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The Legend Of Tom Adams.


in Heartwarming

One of the first people I met after moving to England to work at The Hind’s Head in 1998 was Tom Adams. I immediately had him pegged as a bit of a ham, albeit a hilarious one, but so many people seemed to come into the pub and recognize him… point… giggle… that I finally asked him what the big deal was. “David, my young Canadian friend,” he began. “I’ve been in the motion pictures, you see!” I learned from talking to other locals that he was most reknown for the string of funny commercials he’d made. Most of them for DFS Furniture. But his most famous spot was the infamous and side-splitting Hyundai ad.

Tom’s career has actually been fairly impressive overall. He played one of the British prisoners in The Great Escape and even has a few lines. He co-starred with Raquel Welch in Fathom (watch the trailer and look for the guy trying to kill Raquel with a speargun) and has been on all kinds of notable TV shows: Dr. Who, Remington Steele and The Avengers – to name a few.

When I left England he came to my ‘leaving do’ and offered some words of wisdom while my co-worker Tim went around videotaping all of the locals. “David and I have spent many long afternoons together discussing his problems… of which there are many.” Funny stuff. But actually I spent the majority of my time trying to keep the pub landlord from killing Tom – as he would hit on his wife incessantly. Tom is nearly 70 years old and still chasing tail like a drunken teenager. Quite effectively, I might add. I hope to go back to Bray some day soon, and when I do I’ll look him up. Or should I say, I’ll walk into The Hind’s.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Underwear Goes INSIDE The Pants.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: What is one quality you really admire about yourself?

My mother is a pussycat, while my father is a bit of an arsehole. I was once an even mix of the two personalities – each type has its own pros and cons. I was a tender and sympathetic young lad, but 3 high schools in 4 years changed that dramatically. In University I hovered somewhere in-between, but the past 5 years of inner-city living have pushed me further and further towards the dark side. I guess I admire my ability to embrace and appreciate the need to have a balance of good and evil in your personality. It’s essential for self preservation – and reminding yourself that while showing young girls your boxer shorts on the street is pretty hot, it can still get you arrested in most states.

Soup: What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use?

PineSol and Ajax. Alternately.

Salad: Describe your favorite movie scene. The one that gets to you every time.

There are several. The scene in Goodfellas where Liotta’s voiceover starts talking about how Jimmy has just decided to kill everyone involved with the heist. There’s a slow motion zoom on DeNiro, leaning against a bar engulfed in cigarette smoke while Sunshine of Your Love plays in the background. That always gives me a chill. Then there’s the scene in Blade Runner where Roy saves Deckard from falling off the building and then sits down in the rain to give him a strange Nexus 6 soliloquy: “I watched seabeams glitter in the dark off the Tanhauser Gate…” You don’t know what the hell the dying android is talking about – but you’re transfixed none the less. I could give you ten more. And then act them all out with legos.

Main Course: If you were a veggie, which one would you be, and why?

A brussel sprout. Because I’d have a much longer life expectancy.

Dessert: If you took a trip within 100 miles where would you go?

To my buddy Dave Vadenais’ restaurant in Sturbridge. A ‘friend’ and I went up there about a year ago for dinner, etc. and had a delicious time. Amazing food, super atmosphere and a great excuse to get out of the city. Also a convenient, out of the way town in which to bury said friend in a shallow grave when the date turns sour. Dave, what did you put in that salad, you silly goose?!

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Hey Good Buddies – Who Else Gots A Nextel?


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Due to all-around abysmal reception, and a contact within the company (I believe Master P called that ‘The Hook Up’, I’ve switched over to a Nextel cellphone – and I’m really pleased so far. I don’t need to go up to the roofdeck with a coat-hanger and tin foil in order to make a call on a $300 phone anymore. And I can actually hear the phone when it rings as opposed to before when the tone could get drowned out by fruitfly flatulence.

One of the coolest features is the Direct Connect capability, which allows you to use your phone as if you’re speaking to someone on a walkie-talkie. I told my friend Megan (the only other person I know with a Nextel) my Direct Connect number and she crackled through a few minutes later – I may live to regret that. But very Convoy-ish and cool. Who else amongst you has this wondrous capability?

If you’re a friend of mine, and you have a Nextel, leave a comment or send me an email with your DC number. This will be fun, and no – my nerdiness knows no bounds. Nextel – Not just for construction workers anymore. But still fine for serial masturbators and dweebs.

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A Heartfelt Apology And Sincere Retraction.


in Movies

Last week, I suggested that Michael Moore would be perfect to play Clyde the orangutan in a fantasy remake of the seminal Clint Eastwood classic, ‘Any Which Way You Can’. I have since rethought my childish barb and want to issue a full apology to Mr. Moore and any other moonbats who may have been offended by my ignorant suggestion.

My reason for the retraction has nothing to do with a new found respect for the man. On the contrary – I still think he’s an overrated, slovenly mound of stegasaurus dung. I’ve just found a more appropriate part for him, is all. They’ve cast almost every role for the upcoming remake of Charlotte’s Web – that heartwarming tale from our youth (if you’ve never read it then you obviously grew up on the moon). Have a read and see if you can remember what major character is conspicuously absent from the article.

OK – do you see where I’m going with this now? Need I say more? Someone get that fat windbag on the phone and let him know that his dream role is about to be lateraled to Louie Anderson.

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