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Search Results for: new movies

Somebody Get That Kid Some Pants.


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I think that 6″4 is the perfect height, and I’m honored for being picked – by genetics, L. Ron Hubbard, Allah or whomever – to be part of such a wonderful club. You tower over 75% of the population, but thankfully don’t classify as freakishly tall. Basketball is a professional option, you get to put the star on top of the Christmas tree, it’s easy to forage for honeycomb and bird eggs – basically the pros far outweigh the cons. That is unless you’re shopping for trousers.

Saturday afternoon a friend and I went out for an early dinner but stopped at the mall beforehand since we were in the neighborhood. I had put some cash aside for new pants (as you do) and immediately ran into Filene’s to start what I knew from experience would be a long, arduous and disappointing process. You see, in addition to my long inseam (ladies?) I also have wide hips – size 38 to be exact. People who are my weight and height don’t usually have size 38 hips – I guess I just have to blame my pesky pelvis for that. So finding pants that fit – which don’t also look like I stole them from Mr. Creosote – is nothing less than an odyssey.

While I tried on pair after pair, my lovely assistant whipped around the store grabbing potentials to try on. Size 38 pants, off the rack, always have inseams of either 32 (too short) or 34 (too long). There are never 33 inseams to speak of, so I have to hunt high and low until I find a short one that’s a little too long, or a long one that’s a little too short. I came away with 4 new pairs that are varying degrees of ill-fitting, but passable. Just in case any of you were still wondering why I’m not a fashion model by now. Shaq has an easier time buying clothes.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Raiders Of The Lost Backbone.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Name 2 things you do that you consider beneficial to your health.
If you live in Boston, you’ve been to Haymarket. “Caahn on the caawb! Foaah fer a dollaah!” In addition to being a T-Stop, it’s an open air collection of farm stands which are assembled late every Thursday night and remain until early Saturday evening. It’s primarily composed of fruit stands but there’s a flower guy who looks like Frank Stallone, a row of fish stands the stench of which would make Quint‘s eyes water and it’s the only game in town if you like to watch Asians fight over rotten kumkwats. Anyway, once or twice a month I go down there on Saturday morning and buy bags of carrots, apples and celery. I fire up my juicer like Jay Kordich and the aforementioned combination makes for a lovely, energizing bevvie chock full of vitamin C, potassium and Absolut. That still leaves 1 more thing, huh? OK – #2: actually leaving my apartment to walk to Haymarket.

Soup: If you made a New Year’s resolution, how’s it going so far?
My New Year’s resolution was to, over the next 12 (well, 10.5 now) months, to complete all of the half-finished websites I have floating around out there. There’s the dog sweater pattern site, the boston interior designer site, the halloween site, the personal injury attorney site, the free condom site, the boston bar site, the cigar humidor site, the mesothelioma site and about 5 others. So yeah, as you can see it’s going wicked-well.

Salad: Name something that has happened lately that bothers you.
Don’t get me started. First off – Trump fired Danny last week! He was the only one on the college team with any creativity, whatsoever. Then Brigitte went to America with Foofie-Foofie, leaving her poor fiancee Matteo with little more than a broken heart and some proscuitto. And to top it all off, Da Brat is the only Surreal mansion resident who got a VH1 development deal. And I thought that Tsunami shit made for a bad week.

Main Course: What is your favorite quote, and who said it?
I just covered this last week. So I’ll provide my second favorite instead – from the movie Rushmore. It’s funny cause it’s true:

“But here’s my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.” -Herman Blume (Bill Murray).

Dessert: What do you collect?
I collect MP3s, DVDs and emotional baggage. I’ll have you know that I once earned a collector’s badge in Boy Scouts for my sensational photo album full of Raiders of the Lost Ark trading cards which I still have. Complete set. The cards are in perfect condition and as I’m writing this I’m slowly realizing they are probably worth something. Which is good – because the admission that I still have this childhood artifact in my room will likely force me to start paying for sex.

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Tune In: Doug & Doug on FX This Weekend!


in Heartwarming

Triconi and Krintzman, a.k.a. Doug & Doug, have their new Southern Comfort TV spots airing twice this weekend during the two showings of Me Myself & Irene on FX – tonight and tomorrow at 10pm EST. The jist is, they’re scouring the seedy depths of New Orleans during Mardi Gras seeking SoCo’s secret recipe, and all sorts of funny hijinks ensue.

If you haven’t already, visit their site and watch the two hilarious videos they have posted. Then click here to see Tri-con manhandling my cat. And if you’re in watching TV tonight or Saturday, tune in and catch the spots. It’s a great movie, and the multiple ads are spaced out throught the two-hour slot. Good luck boys! This could be the start of something big. Or at least a crate of free SoCo, which Krintzman would likely prefer over Playboy bunnies anyday.

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A Heartfelt Apology And Sincere Retraction.


in Movies

Last week, I suggested that Michael Moore would be perfect to play Clyde the orangutan in a fantasy remake of the seminal Clint Eastwood classic, ‘Any Which Way You Can’. I have since rethought my childish barb and want to issue a full apology to Mr. Moore and any other moonbats who may have been offended by my ignorant suggestion.

My reason for the retraction has nothing to do with a new found respect for the man. On the contrary – I still think he’s an overrated, slovenly mound of stegasaurus dung. I’ve just found a more appropriate part for him, is all. They’ve cast almost every role for the upcoming remake of Charlotte’s Web – that heartwarming tale from our youth (if you’ve never read it then you obviously grew up on the moon). Have a read and see if you can remember what major character is conspicuously absent from the article.

OK – do you see where I’m going with this now? Need I say more? Someone get that fat windbag on the phone and let him know that his dream role is about to be lateraled to Louie Anderson.

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What The Fuck Are Robster Craws?


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A few weeks back my friend Brukkake asked me to help him out with an article he was writing. He’s a news writer for SearchCIO.com and wanted to put together a fun, year-end piece about what some of his readers thought about current and upcoming movies. Sounds innocent enough, right?

Take a gander at the finished product, Geeks Weigh In On The Best Movies of 2004. Look for a witty jab from yours truly, Mr. ” It’s Looking More And More Like They’ll Find Me Dead Beside A Trunk Full of DVD Porn”, in the very last paragraph.

Am I like Booger? A huge dork who doesn’t realize he’s a huge dork? A giant dweeb who’s dweebiness is apparent to everyone except him? A pathetic los… Wait. Don’t answer that. Don’t answer any of those. Goodnight.

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Wes Anderson’s The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou


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It’s Christmas, New Years Eve and Groundhog Day – all wrapped up in to one in movie-geek land. Yes folks – there’s a new Wes Anderson movie being released on December 1st and it’s called The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. In addition to cast staples Angelica Huston, Bill Murray and Owen Wilson, Wes Anderson’s ever-growing following as a filmmaker has enabled him to land more heavies this time around. Willem DaFoe, Michael Gambon (The new Dumbledore), Cate Blanchett and Jeff Goldblum round out the cast. Anderson alumni Gweneth Paltrow (The Royal Tannenbaums) and Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore) were slated to participate but couldn’t due to scheduling conflicts they vehemently tried to get out of.

The movie was originally entitled simply “The Life Aquatic” – Steve Zissou is the name of Murray’s character – and many people whom have yet to leave their parent’s basement have been left scratching their heads as to why the title was changed. You know that decision wasn’t handed down from the marketing department. Yikes.

Much like Scorcese before him, Anderson likes to work with the same core group of actors over and over again – an ensemble if you will – and they, in turn, line up and change their schedules to work with him. It shows through in the finished product, and Wes has done as much for the careers of Bill Murray and the Wilson brothers (more actually) as they have done for him. His first film, Bottle Rocket, was the first noteable movie Luke and Owen were ever in – the three of them are very old friends.

And let’s face it, Bill Murray was in a bit of a slump before his brilliant turn as Herman Blume in Rushmore. As much as we all loved The Man Who Knew Too Little (sarcasm duly noted, I’m sure) his career has been on the upswing ever since he first locked horns with Max Fischer.

Alright – so I’ll just come out and say it. I’ll be there – as I was for the Tannenbaums – at the first matinee on opening day. I should also come right out and say that it comes as no shock I’m still single. Thank you.

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Goodfellas Special Edition DVD


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The Goodfellas Special Edition DVD was released yesterday – and I, for one, have been waiting longer than it took Billy Batts to finally die in Henry Hill’s trunk. Here is an interesting article about cast members getting together for a dinner Monday night to mark the occassion. Apparently Ray Liotta hasn’t watched the film since its release 15 years ago!

The first version was widely regarded as one of the worst DVDs ever released for such a high profile film. Nearly as bad as Morris Kessler’s toupee. But the powers that be have redeemed themselves, possibly under threat of kneecapping, and this new Special Edition is a doozy.

Here are some of the highlights:

– Commentary by director Martin Scorsese with cast and crew

– Commentary by ex-gangster Henry Hill and ex-FBI agent Edward McDonald

– New digital sound and picture

– “Getting Made” making-of featurette

– “Made Men” other filmmakers on the influence of GoodFellas

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll be watching it tonight. Likely whilst rubbing myself with voracious fanboy glee and eating ziti. In honor of this special occasion, I thought I’d link my old Goodfellas review for all you eager goombas.

“Now go home and get your fucking shinebox”

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