Someone just told me to “shoot them an email” and I came to a violent realization – I have a new pet peeve. I saw his mouth form the aforementioned words, but “Shoot me in the head with a rusty whaling-era speargun” is what I heard in my mind’s eye. I’ve been meaning to start working towards actively changing some of our company’s vernacular, and this is as good a time as any. Also on my hitlist:
- Brainfarts
- Whatnot
- Push (interchangable with ‘shoot’ in most cases)
- Comprehensive
- ‘Here’ and ‘there’ used at the end of every phrase: “I wanted to reach you on the phone there and get you in touch with our tech guy here. Did you have anything else you wanted to ask me about there? Or can we run with the ball here?”
I’ll leave it there for now. I need to comprehensively get some work done.
The following is an actual list of terms, made by me during a company meeting three years ago. No, I never throw anything away. Ah-hem:
ramp up
allocated
the numbers
revenue opportunities
eat, sleep and drink ____
smart spending
“let’s do it!”
exceeded our expectations
gettin’ out the news
leverage
best practices
cross-site
name-brand
viral marketing
visibility
heavyweight
guru
roll out
on target
evolve the role
campaign-based approach
content-based specifics
low-cost/no-cost
going forward
market-specific
track/manage
test-and-roll
Biz Dev
cross promote
reposition
radar screen
step out
piggyback
chinese menu
rejigger and reconfigure
put a face on ____
in place
e-learning
brand awareness
Stop being such a fucking pussy Pye…
Monster
Nice Jen. What in the fuck is a Chinese menu?
I’ll be fucked if I know, at this point. I believe it means, “A wide variety of stuff, bunched together.” But don’t forget, this list is from AWHILE ago.
Even corporate lingo changes.
currently I cringe when I hear:
tweak
I’m surprised the speaker didn’t lose their job for being ‘insensitive’ at that PC hellhole. They’re tolerance policies read like a goddamn Chinese Menu.
It’s true. I was surprised, too. Generally, this place in PC in very specific ways … and extremely not PC in others. I would expect HR to burn someone at the stake for a comment like that, but on the other hand, it’s apparently perfectly OK to get sauced at the company party and make lewd comments to girls.
I don’t work there anymore, and am NOT prepared to apologize for that AGAIN.
Oh, if only, you big tease.
I can’t stand the term “ping”, which is used quite often around my office. As in “let’s ping this person and see when he is available.” It’s not even a word. Just an annoying little sound.
‘Ping’ is only appropriate to use if you’re trying to torpedo a submarine. It should never apply in an office or place of work other than the Nautalis.
DP,
Here are a few more gems out of our corporate propaganda:
Synergy
Market Segment
EBITDA
dedication to customer service
propensity for change
commitment to the community
employees unswerving devotion
good and challengeing times
highest standard of service
adaptivity
advancement
three-fold
eagerly and effectively
quality and value
environment
embracing change and pursuing opportunities
maximum value for shareholders
delivering business plan
Hey Dave- I’ve just got a few to add.. writing them down makes me cringe.
“chinese wall”.. again with the insensitive ?
Kick the tires
Its never too late to escalate
Cost effectivenes
Foster an atmosphere of __
Deliverables
Company values
Paves the way
Process improvement efforts
Positive work environment
“go to guy” as in, “joe is the go to guy for the project”
In the trenches (is this phrase really approriate for the financial world?)
Flexibility to meet changing needs
Newbie (as in new employee)