I can set my watch by it. Sunday night rolls around, I’ve watched everything HBO has to offer (how the hell did they ever get Pat Buchanan on Ali G. by the way?) and I can’t fall asleep. I bought this stuff called Alluna a while back. It’s a herbal sleeping pill or something. There are as of yet undiscovered tribes, in the heart of the Peruvian jungle, who could have told me it wouldn’t work.
The dodgy marketing language should have been my first warning. “It works by helping you relax so you drift off to sleep naturally.” How about helping me to sleep so I can drift off to sleep naturally? How about a non perscription sleep aide called “Sledgehammer to the back of the skull”?
I’m sick of TV, I’ve read every book in the apartment and I’m just about ready to see how long playing Monopoly against myself might be interesting. I even read The DaVinci Code last month God forbid. The success of that book just astounds me. People who normally can be found reading… well… People, have told me proudly that they read it and loved it. And I usually just want to tell them to maybe keep that to themselves. To stop helping to deify the mundane.
I’m guilty of reading my fair share of trendy books-of-the-minute, but I realize that I shouldn’t run around singing their praises like I’ve just discovered the Dead Sea Scrolls – lest folks think I’m a moron. There’s a sample I’ve always loved from an old 3rd Bass record (file under white, Jewish 80’s hip-hop). I don’t know where they lifted it from. “He’s stupid, but he knows that he is stupid. And that almost makes him smart.”
And if you think what I wrote sounds a wee bit pompous, remember: I just admitted I still listen to 3rd Bass.
The best and only thing that works for insomnia is….
Take 1 cup of non-fat milk. Pour into a medium sized sauce pan. Turn on burner and allow flame to burn on high for about half a minute then turn down to medium-low so the milk doesn’t burn to the bottom of the pan. Just when you see that steam is rising from the milk but it hasn’t quite come to a boil…turn off the burner. Pour the milk into a good sized mug and sprinkle some nut-meg on top. Do not use cinnamon, ginger or anything else… only nut-meg will do.
Now, with cup of steaming milk in hand, walk over to your sink and pour it down… then run head-long into one of those exposed brick walls you’re so fond of. Results are immediate and should last a couple of days.
Enjoy!
Dude, been telling you for years that you need to smoke more weed. No problems falling asleep anywhere, anytime. And it’s good for your stomach too.
There was recently a story in ESPN Magazine about the individual formerly known as Prime Minister Pete Nice. Apparently he’s writing a book about some old cemetery in Brooklyn that has tons of baseball legends buried in it. Sounds pretty smart for a guy who used to sit on a throne in a $200 fake Gucci suit chomping on a cheap cigar and singin.. “goes fine, what goes for mine, I do not eat the green eggs and swine……”
Hines. I propose a 3rd Bass revival. Like a full on appreciation society or something. Pete Nice’s brother went to college with a good friend of mine, and I’ve heard a story or two. The Prime Minister apparently owns a baseball memorabilia store in Cooperstown near the hall of fame. And apparently – yes, he’s smart as a whip. There’s a hilarious answering machine message from his mother on his solo album (yes, I own it). She’s telling him she’s heard about all the bad-news-brothers he’s been hanging out with and how frightened she is for him. I’ll play it for you next time you’re over. It’s priceless.
Force yourself to get up early early or just skip a night of sleeping – that helps get your clock on track. I do it all the time when I see myself sleeping back into night owlhood.
Also the smell of lavendar will put you to sleep as well meditating. If I can’t sleep I blame it on meditating. See you are obiously to stressed out to sleep because you are worried about getting to sleep.
Jesus Christ, Dave. Go to the doctor and get some sleeping pills, or go with the smoke more weed advice… just DO SOMETHING so you can quit bitching about your sleepless sundays…
You should take my prescription of sleeping pills….i stopped taking them when i woke up at 6pm on a Sunday…after 18 straight hours of sleep.
Abby. That sounds glorious. Introduce me to your quack.
I have these great Mexican Muscle Relaxers that Crazy Corey brought back from Tijuana – They scare me… you should give them a try though – you take one and they take forever to hit you so you end up taking another one… takes about 5 hours for the first one to hit and when it does you better be prepared for some pretty hard sleeping.
In all honesty Dave – sleep problems normally stem from anxiety or too much drinking.
Bryan – You just saved me a trip to the doctor. I’m an anxious drinker.
here’s what ya do…get yourself a copy of the movie “Out of Africa”. If your still awake in ten minutes, then your condition is of a world record severity