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Trailer Park Boys

Notes From The Sideshow.


in

I’ve spent the majority of my time over the last two months talking about thespianism (not a misspelling, unfortunately) and roaches. What else has been going on in my world, you ask? I’d be just pleased as punch to fill you in. For the love of God, turn away while you still can.

The 2006 wedding invitations are piling in. Both of them. Looks like I’ll be hitting Stowe Vermont for Katy and Reynolds’ in June, and then Toronto for Jason and Amy’s in October. I’ll also be at the bachelor party for Jason which will involve a lot of traveling all told, but will see the reunion of many Welland and Guelph favorites. I’m really looking forward to that weekend and have a liver on backorder at the Hospital for Sick Children.

Work related which I rarely discuss here – I have been charged with breathing some life into our company culture. This is something I have always been good at, but have really been slacking on for the last 2 years or so. I am going to do finally something with a domain I’ve had dormant for years, CompanyCultures.com, so I can write about what I learn. I’m reasonably sure it has to involve a lot more than ordering fleeces with our logo on it and buying rounds at Remingtons. I just realized while Googling that Remingtons is also the name of the big male strip joint in Toronto. So that statement is undoubtedly going to confuse some people.

We’ve rebooted our search engine marketing blog, and I love the new design. I have been hounding people here daily to contribute to it – and I hope to make it a useful group effort which will reflect well on the company. This is also ties into the whole culture effort, but so far it’s been like pulling teeth. I’ve always loved to write, and I can’t understand why so many people are afraid of it. Probably also explains why I took Algebra 2 three times.

Season 6 of the Trailer Park Boys starts this Sunday, and you can download episodes, usually a day after they air, here. You can expect quite a bit of commentary in the weeks to come, and I hope it’s better than Season 5. My predictions for this year – Bubbles gets a chick, Steve French returns, Ray wins a fortune on the VLTs and Lahey gets drunk.

Speaking of TPB, Detroit Velvet Smooth and I went to see Spamalot on Friday. He was given two really good tickets for Christmas, and I thank him for taking me. The entrance to the Colonial Theater is right under the scaffolding that collapsed and killed 3 people last week. It was very eerie walking out, seeing all the flowers stuck through the chain link fence of the construction era, and then slowly looking up and remembering where you were. The play was fantastic – hilarious and extremely entertaining. Go now.

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Wednesday Wadio: Bubble’s ‘Liquor And Whores’.


in Television, Wednesday Wadio

“Oh I’m fucking excited alright! There are probably all kinds of record company people there and I’m hoping if I sing some of my songs they might want to sign me to a record deal and I could become a big Country & Western star. Liquor and Whores is always a big hit down at the legion so you never know!” – Bubbles

Before the launch of the Trailer Park Boys 5th Season this time last year, the three main actors – Rob Wells (Ricky), John Paul Tremblay (Julian) and Mike Smith (Bubbles) did a nationwide promotional tour of Canada. At a radio station in Ontario, Bubbles offered to sing a song in the middle of an interview and it quickly became a cult classic. That resulting diddy is the focus of Radio Pye today, you lucky people.

“Liquor and Whores” is really one for the ages. The protagonist meets a girl while he’s “drinkin’ at the Legion” and the conversation quickly turns to marriage. Speedy courtships aside, our hero warns that before the nuptuals take place, there’s something she really needs to know about him. Listen to the song to discover the shocking secret, and please try not to faint.

You can also watch Conky sing the tune in a truly disturbing Flash movie if you’ve got that much free time. Forget the booze and the loose women – If you’re a fan of cigarrettes, dope, baloney or mustard you’re in the right place. The Legion, apparently.

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Fumigating Neverland.


in Reminiscent

When I moved in to my current apartment, it was September 2000 and I was 26 years old. I had a sweet job, a building which was always full of young girls, a fraternity-esque social life and the interior decorating to match. It was cheesy, but it was OK to be cheesy. It was expected – and I was in good, cheesy company. But as Seamus left in September for new horizons in Hartford, I am now the very last of the old guard.

The years have flown past, and I’ve never updated my decor. Sitting in my room now, I see the signed flag of St. George I received when I left the Hinds Head in 1998. An original operational 1977 Han Solo blaster. A remote controlled R2D2 which is even older. A map of Northern Ireland printed on Irish linen I got in Belfast in 2001. Goldfinger, Casino, Die Hard 3 and A Bronx Tale (way to go Lillo by the way,) posters. My skydiving certificate. Multiple DeNiro, Sinatra and Frank Black 8x10s. Unframed photographs that are taped to the walls including my football team group shots that are all curled up at the edges and need to be preserved as they may still impress girls. A creative writing award I won in 1991 that definitely never will. A boomerrang I got in Australia and a wooden machete I got in South Africa. And there’s a few shitloads more.

Let me just say what you’re all thinking – My bedroom looks like the Chinese curio shop in Gremlins, if it were managed by a 12-year-old homosexual.

My Canadian houseguests have been delayed, and I’ve spent the evening boxing up the majority of this juvenile crap and moving it into the basement. I won’t part with it – some of it is actually pretty cool, but it’s time to move my epicenter, my bedroom, into 2006. I’m not a pack-ratting hermit by nature, and it’s just been a matter of getting to a tipping point to send me over the edge towards serious redecoration. And, dare I say it, adulthood. Thankfully, it just happened.

Yesterday Kyle and I went to a lovely annual Christmas party up in Marblehead that I have not attended in 4 years. Several of the guests were induviduals from the aforementioned job with their little children, and subsequent lives, in tow. Towards the end we met a 63-year-old mortgage broker who proceeded to tell me how nice I was and that she wanted to set me up with a young girl she knows in Beacon Hill. She asked for my business card. On the way home, Kyle told me that the woman was just going to try and sell me property. I realized he was right – because if you didn’t know me, all gussied up and being extremely polite at a posh Christmas party, you’d think I really fucking had it together.

The scene switches, and my latest hypothetical lady love is staring up at a magazine cutout of Al Pacino in Serpico as I whisper sweet nothings in her ear. And… scene. I’m framing the autographed Trailer Park Boys glossy and leaving it where it is, and the football photos are also getting framed and can stay, but look out world – Peter Pan is growing up and redecorating.

Incidentally, the Bob and Doug Mackenzie action figures are also staying. And here you thought I’d completely lost my shit.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Liquor In The Locker Room.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Name something that helps you fall asleep.
Liquor. But seriously folks, liquor. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep usually, but recently hooked my bedroom computer up to cable. A Tivo’d episode of CSI or two – and I’m off to sleepy sleepy land. And if I’ve gone to the gym that day, I may not even make it to midnight. Even though I usually just masturbate in the locker room.

Soup: Who brings out the best in you?
Whenever I need some pep in my step, I think of friends who died young. That may sound a little morbid – but it works for me. I’ve staved off the reaper for 31 years and I really want to make the most of my life in memory of those who had to cash their chips in early for whatever reason.

Salad: What do you like to do on a rainy day?
I’m ridiculously productive on rainy days. As long as “rewire a plugged in toaster outside” appears nowhere on my proposed list of tasks.

Main Course: Complete this sentence: In our home, we never have enough:
Puerto Rican hookers, fireflies, liquor, chinchillas or Al Franken books. I was able to cross Trailer Park Boys Season 4 DVD and NHL2K5 off of the list only this morning as they both just arrived in the mail.

Dessert: Which shoe do you put on first?
The one without the scorpion. Not such a great quizzlet this week, folks. I apologize. Poor material and an extremely busy day at work. Help a brother out and take a stab at these questions yourselves.

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The Big Haunt: Enough Already.


in Heartwarming

I’ve gotten more photos, and more requests for me to post said photos and finally another mild case of writer’s block. So let’s just marry all these unfortunate circumstances into today’s article. Please bear in mind (and I hate to make excuses) that were this a political or sports related blog, I’d have no end of material you can find absolutely everywhere else. No, kids – I try and actually come up with the sort of stuff I myself would like to read everyday. Always funny, rarely narcissistic, never poignant.

Back when I focused all my efforts on my galleries, it was a lot easier to keep everybody happy – I could stuff sixty or more photos onto one page. But those old things took hours to prepare and write. I’d rather do something daily as opposed to once every four or five months. So here’s another staggered batch of Halloween party photos. First off – I had to eventually include one of myself as Julian from Trailer Park Boys. And here’s another photo of Annaleise which, in spite of Venditti, should score high in the ratings.



A picture is worth a thousand words, two failed hand-job attempts and seventeen dutch-ovens.

Although the whole evening is a little foggy, everyone I spoke with told me that the party was more fun than a bag of wild squirrels. So what’s up with the party animal there on the upper-left? I also have it on good faith that this photo was actually taken before the bash even started. Obviously, that girl never got tea-bagged in college. Then on the right we have the illustrious Gooch – who apparently attended the party as an ex-Mills man who now works for Sleeman. Uncanny, my good sir.

If you’ll allow me to get all Ansel Adams for a moment, here are two entries from our black and white contingency. First, Bryan and Betsy experiment with a position from Michael Hutchence’s Joy Of Sex. While Wicked Mardi and her biatches are just a little too cool for costumes on the right. But then who wasn’t at that tender age? I just wish she’d stop calling me “Uncle Dave”, is all.

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The Big Haunt: Fun Photos For Fruity Friends.


in Heartwarming

Festivity photos keep rolling in like severed heads. So take a break from CNN’s election coverage – and wondering how you might look in a turban – to dig these latest shots from that oh so ridiculous evening.

First up we have beauty and the beast. Anneliese and Bryan square off for the best costume credential and both score big points for different reasons. Bryan looks exactly like the character he’s portraying: Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Huge credit goes to Betsy who dyed and styled his hair. Whereas Anneliese looks exactly like what every man in attendance wanted to take home and rub peanut oil all over. Like I said – both winners in their own way.

And here’s another interesting paradox. People of Herb‘s distinguished ethnic background make unlikely Klansmen. And as for Adam – people who look so comfortable in hot gay biker attire are unlikely to finish the evening beating the living ladybugs out of some clown in my living room. Never judge a book by its leather chaps.

Nicole and Paris turned heads as their alter egos Brittany and Becky licked the frick out of anything with a pule. These two lovely lasses are big Boston bar fans, and it was good to have some regulars representin’ at The Haunt. It was also good not having to worry about anyone blaming me for stealing wallets.

OK – back to all the fair and balanced election coverage. Be sure to look for more party photos as the week progresses. And a certain Fendi purse.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Phil Hartman And Hermione.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: How are you today?

Fine, thanks. Fair to middlin’. Not too shabby. Hanging in there. Can’t complain. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Dreaming up new ways to torture prostitutes before I kill them.

Soup: Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis.

Trailer Park Boys (shocking), Blackadder and Saturday Night Live. TPB I have discussed to death on here, so I’ll spare you – just this one time. Blackadder is a brilliant Britcom from the eighties which launched the career of Rowan Atkinson – more commonly known as Mr. Bean. Bean is predominantly physical comedy, a’la Chaplain or Keaton, wheras Blackadder is sharp, biting, dry, verbal humor all the way. I admire the way in which Atkinson was able to create such a polar opposite character in Mr. Bean – and have great success Stateside, but I wish more Americans knew about Blackadder. BBC America airs it regularly and I always TiVo it.

SNL has never had a bad season as far as I’m concerned. If I hear one more person say “It’s not funny anymore” I may go postal. Granted the early eighties were touch-and-go at times. They said the show was dead circa 1990 when Lovitz and Carvey left… enter Mike Meyers, Spade, Rock, etc. They said it was dead circa 95 when Farley and Sandler left… enter Will Farrell, Norm Macdonald and Colin Quinn. Just have a little faith and the show always bounces back.

The biggest rebuilding year for SNL was 1985. The ratings had gotten so bad that Lorne Michaels swapped out the entire cast cast when NBC insisted on pulling the plug for good otherwise. Goodbye Anthony Michael Hall and Terry Sweeney – hello Mr. Hartman. The rest is history. Thanks, Phil.

Salad: What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?

A blizzard in 1990. Driving back from a ski trip in Killington with Jason and Aaron Thelen. Jason took over driving from his father who was having a hard time seeing through the snow. We would have pulled over, but we were on 128 with no exits in sight. Jason is behind the wheel about 2 minutes before he loses control of the Dodge Caravan which does a 360 over 2 lanes of traffic. Looking out the window of a spinning car, that you happen to be in, is really fecked up. Try and imagine it for a second. The car stopped rotating in the exact direction it had been in when it started – and we just kept movin on down the road like the friggin’ idiots that we were.

Main Course: If you could wake up tomorrow in another country, where would you want to be?

Too many variables here. I could wake up in a dumpster in Fiji, or a luxury hotel suite in Russia. Do I have a way home? Am I hallucinating? Was I partying on the Rolling Stones’ private jet the night before, or was teleportation part of my Hogwarts 5th year final exam? Is Hermione in the dumpster with me? Please say yes.

Dessert: What do you usually wear to sleep?

Seamus Britt.

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A Mountain Lion Named Steve French


in Television

What do Samsquantches, Viagara burgers, potato guns and mountain lions have in common? And who the hell is Steve French?

In episode 6 of Trailer Park Boys season 4, man and nature collide in a sensitive vignette entitled “If You Love Something Set It Free“. And it’s one of the all-time funniest – I’d put it in my top 5. You may wonder why this warrants a blog entry. Well, considering that, in the last 3 months, I’ve written about garlic festivals, Tinkerbell Hilton and Ashton Kutcher – dope addicted mountain lions shouldn’t seem like that much of a stretch.

I linked to an episode recap above, so I’ll spare you another here. But quickly – Something has been eating the boys’ dope field (Bubbles thinks it’s a ‘Samsquantch’) but upon further investigation it turns out to be a mountain lion. Bubbles, who is absolutely infatuated with all-things-kitty, slaps a choker chain on it and becomes determined to “wean it off the dope”. He names the lion “Steve French” because he thinks its whiskers make it look like a French Canadian. That line alone is worth the price of admission.

I love this episode because in addition to being ridiculously funny (Trevor gets raped by Steve French after he eats some Viagara burgers Randy is preparing for Mr. Lahey, among many other things) it’s a perfect example of the sort of ‘heart’ that makes this show so enduring and special. Look for the scene at the end when Ricky and Julian start to cry when Bubbles has to let Steve French go back into the wild in particular. It joins the ranks of the most touching scenes in the show’s history – right up there with Jim Lahey’s slurred speech after the trailer park supervisior election, Ricky choosing to buy Trina her encyclopedias and kiss Lahey’s bare ass rather than use the money to buy his own trailer and Bubbles’ soliloquy after the boys accidentally burn down his shed.

To the uninitiated: if the above paragraph sounds too ridiculous to be believed, it’s because it is. Thurday nights on BBC America. I can’t stress that enough.

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Trailer Park Boys Lament.


in Television

I have spoken to several of my American friends here in Boston who have seen Trailer Park Boys on BBC America. Apparently the episodes are being ripped to shreds by the censors. I can no sooner imagine watching TPB full of bleeps than I can Eddie Murphy’s Delerious or Slap Shot. It cripples the show and I’m very sad because this incredibly funny and original Canadian export is not going to get the fair shake it deserves with American audiences.

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Blame Miss Jackson (yes, I’m nasty) and her left breast. I just read an interview with TPB’s creator, Mike Clattenburg, where he said the show was originally contracted to run uncensored –  but BBCA changed their minds after the Superbowl Halftime debacle.

TPB has been shot in the foot and is doomed to fail for the same reason the proposed American version of The Office will never work. The creative cussing, colloquialisms and East Coast Canadian vernacular are a large part of what makes the show so endearing, funny and – dare I say – special. They’ve taken the heart and soul out of TPB and I implore anyone who cares to download an episode from the file sharing program of their choice to see it as it was intended.

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