
Having waved most of his salary for back end points, Harrison nervously waited outside the Cannes theatre.

Having waved most of his salary for back end points, Harrison nervously waited outside the Cannes theatre.
Appetizer: What is the nearest big city to your home?
Ottawa, Ontario. I’m headed there this evening to see my friend Seany Mac whom I lived in residence with at Guelph. I haven’t seen him for a decade and I can’t wait. We recently got back in touch and I was pleased to learn he lives reasonably close to me. Then Saturday night I am going to my friend Adam’s for a BBQ. He was my neighbor and little buddy way back when I lived in Manotick around 7-11 years of age. They are coming out of the woodwork, and I love it.
Soup: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets?
I’ve been guilty of letting at least one juicy tidbit slip towards the wrong ears at least once in my life, but these days I pride myself on keeping my mouth shut. I’ll talk to close friends until the cows come home, but when in mixed company I tend to shift into “Hemingway mode”. Less is more. My senior superlative was “Talks Least, Says Most”, and I’m still kinda proud of that. Meanwhile, here I am maintaining a blog and blathering on for anyone who’ll listen.
Salad: Describe your hair (color, texture, length).
Short, fine and brown. I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a blond spot that sets me apart a little. When the hair on top of my head gets a bit longish it becomes very pronnounced. Like a polkadot or something. You know what I just thought of then, that I haven’t in year? This, and I laughed.
Main Course: What kind of driver are you? Courteous? Aggressive? Slow?
It all depends on the car and the situation. On long country straightaways with little O.P.P. risk, I’m Steve McQueen. In downtown Toronto with my Mother’s minivan, I’m Hoke Colburn.
Dessert: When was the last time you had a really bad week?
I have no idea. I take it day by day and if things ever got to the point where I’d had 7 miserable 24-hour periods in a row there’d be something seriously wrong. Or I’d be in Newark.
Shep and Rhuby are already closing in on 6 months of age, which is incredibly hard for me to believe. I got them at about 8.5 weeks and to think I’ve had the little devils in my life for that long amazes me. I was a devout cat person for years, and if you’d ever told me I would end up with not one but two dogs – I’d have told you to take another nitrus hit out of your Grateful Dead balloon. Then beaten you up because you’d have been a hippy.
So what have I learned in my time as a puppy daddy, I asked myself. What new canine-related knowledge would I choose to impart if someone asked me? Here are some notes…
If the vast majority of these points seem like they revolve around doodies, it’s because they do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guys and have made a commitment for life. I just wish there was a bit less “nauture” involved sometimes. I’ll live and it’s worth it. Just don’t call me Dr. Poolittle.
“I’m just terrified to get up on a stage with them all again… because no one has ever tested me like they did. You always had to be at the top of your game.” – Martin Short in the Toronto Star
First and foremost, I’d have to be a complete and utter jackass to presume I could effectively “review” an event of this magnitude, so please consider it a… loving memoir. A week ago tonight I had the severe pleasure of attending SCTV’s Benefit of Laughter, which was a charity event held to raise money for the Second City alumni fund. To say it was a hot ticket would be the biggest understatement of the 24 years since the beloved station stopped broadcasting in 1984. For two side-splitting performances SCTV was definitely back on the air – onstage in a small theatre in Toronto – and it was a wonderful sight to behold.
I let a week pass before sitting down to write about the night because I wanted to be able to consider, share and link to what other bloggers and the media wrote about the events. Surprisingly there is very little mention of the actual performances online – nothing, actually – and my site is getting the bulk of the related search engine traffic. I’d be writing the show up regardless, but now I feel obligated. So wish me luck, grab your Count Floyd 3D glasses and hang on to your toques.
An SCTV Reunion? Don’t Play With my Emotions Like That.
The Toronto Star interviewed all of the SCTV principals just before the two shows last week in what is probably the best pre-event article you’ll find. Catherine O’Hara (excited), Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin (scared), Joe Flaherty (sorta looking forward to it) and Martin Short were all obviously more than happy to perform together again and to raise money for their Second City peers. The Star did a wonderful job of ramping up to the event, so please read their piece for the full story.
I already mentioned a lot of the background and how my sister and I came to be VIPs for the event in a prior SCTV Reunion post. I’d love to be able to report that I’ve become Catherine O’Hara’s cabana boy, but alas – we paid our way in and sprung for the top tier tickies. I knew it was a great cause and once in a lifetime experience going into it, but after being there – I think I would have paid far more. Perhaps even hocked my Five Neat Guys LP collection. It was good.
Goin’ Down the Road
Although we originally drove from Ottawa for the event, my sister and I spent Sunday night at our cousin’s in Hamilton. We struck out for Toronto at around 5:30pm on Monday figuring 2.5 hours would be more than enough time to get into the city, drop my car off at a friend’s and then get a cab over to Second City. Toronto traffic, a bastard of a GPS system and one insane cab driver on mentholated schnapps later we were 10 minutes late for the show and just closing in on the location. May I suggest to Second City that in the future they print their address on tickets? Schnapps isn’t particularly good for one’s sense of direction. I’ll give them this, though – they actually called my sister’s cell phone to find out where we were and to make sure we knew how to get there. I know there was a long waiting list, so I’d like to thank them for taking that extra step and not giving our seats away.
We finally got there, were asked by the doorman if we were the “last two everyone is waiting for”, and were shown to our great seats just as the first sketch was starting. We were at a small table in the middle with a lovely couple who eventually introduced themselves as the director and his wife. Thank you for the nachos and Brian – well done, sir! He let on that he was a little nervous about how the show would play out and said that the cast had only one evening and one full day to rehearse and prepare. Since the show was over two hours long I can understand his concern. I noticed that the hysterical laughter surrounding him on all sides definitely had a calming effect. After the show, his super-friendly and lovely wife (whose name escapes me) told me that she mentioned to Eugene Levy and Martin Short that the people they were sitting with had come from Ottawa and they were quite impressed. And by “impressed” I of course mean “ready to file restraining orders”.
Let There be Laughter
How on Earth do I do justice to the actual show? I didn’t take notes – I thought some other blogger who was a bigger SCTV nerd than myself (it happens,) would cover all of the painstaking details. But they haven’t and all I hear are internet crickets. I’ll summarize my favorite sketches and anyone looking for more info or explication is free to leave comments or send me an email which I promise I’ll answer. Please limit your inquiries to the SCTV reunion, and not as to whether I’m a complete waste of space with a drinking problem.
The Job Interview: This sketch starts out with the big boss (Levy) introducing himself to a job applicant (O’Hara) and then asking if it’s OK if they have a group interview to save time. He then says that the other applicant will be arriving shortly. At this point, I leaned forward and whispered to my sister “I bet Ed Grimley’s gonna come through that door”, and wouldn’t you know it – he did. I lost it and had my first of many laughing fits complete with streaming tears. And guess who got the job? O’Hara’s parting line to Grimley: “You’ll be in my prayers, sir.”This post is getting frighteningly long – those were my 3 favorites, but really just the tip of the iceberg. Colin Mocharie appeared in a sketch at a funeral for a man who died with his head in a can of pork and beans and also did an audience-suggestion improv bit with Martin Short and several members of the current Toronto Second City Cast as well as Women Fully Clothed. Robin Duke stole every scene she was in, by the way, and was very nice to me at the after party when I accosted her while she was getting a coffee. Joe Flaherty made sure everyone remembered John Candy when he mentioned him during the standing ovation and let everyone know just how much he was in their thoughts. “He’s here!” someone shouted from the audience, to which Joe smiled and said simply: “That’s right“.
After the Party Comes the After Party
We never touched our wallets during the entire performance and the after party next door at Wayne Gretzky’s was no exception. Tray after tray of hors d’ourves, wine, bottled water and pints made the rounds. Janet and I grabbed a couple of beverages and began to wander.

A backdrop had been set up for official photos to be taken, but none of the cast had appeared yet. The photographers, a pair of cool and bald twin brothers, asked us if we wanted a photo and we agreed, knowing full well they just wanted to test their apertures, f-stops and such. We ended up carving out a nice little spot for ourselves right near the impending action though, and even met a nice couple to chat with. It turns out Jack had been to my blog that very day when looking for info about the show. People tend to remember one-syllable last names that are synonymous with a dessert.

We weren’t allowed to take photos during the show, but my snaps from the party speak a thousand words, with one exception. My sister’s deceptive flash caused me to turn my head a second too early so Martin Short can now count himself as one of the lucky few to be photographed with the elusive sasquatch. All the cast members were happy to pose and chat with their fans, and the highlight of my life evening was managing to make both Mocharie and Flaherty laugh. Although it may have been nervously. Please enjoy the SCTV Reunion Gallery and I hope you enjoyed my affectionate write up. I’ll never forget the experience and count myself lucky to have been there.
More SCTV Reunion Stuff (as I find it):

Arizona police were relieved to finally know where DMX’s dogs was at – Partially buried in his backyard. Cock.
Whipping young canines into shape takes time, persistence and the patience of a saint. I can hear you asking, “Dave – please tell us your secret!” I’m a generous man, and here it is…
Forget Caesar Milan and save your obedience school money. All you need to know when training a puppy is where to drop a few well-placed “boops“. Set the whole piece to the theme music from Predator, and I think we’ve found the funny.
I’m not taking sides, but…
“The key question for Westerners is: do we love our freedoms as much as they hate them? Many free people, alas, have become so accustomed to freedom, and to the comfortable position of not having to stand up for it, that they’re incapable of defending it when it’s imperilled — or even, in many cases, of recognizing that it is imperilled.” – Bruce Bawer
Alright, I might be taking sides.
Appetizer: When someone smiles at you, do you smile back?
Of course I do – I believe the English word for anyone who wouldn’t is “prick”. When I get a smile from a complete stranger it brightens my day. Especially when I’m not in a holding cell.
Soup: Describe the flooring in your home. Do you have carpet, hardwood, vinyl, a mix?
Good heavens, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel today, quizzlet. All of the flooring in the lake house is lovely hardwood. It was lovely, anyway. Puppy claws and puppy pee has wreaked a little bit of havoc. My desk chair has also dulled the finish in my room. But I guess some wear and tear is to be expected when you live in the middle of a three-ring circus.
Salad: Write a sentence with only 5 words, but all of the words have to start with the first letter of your first name.
Death and violence in Darfur.
Main Course: Do you know anyone whose life has been touched by adoption?
One of my best friends was adopted and his home life seemed normal by most standards. On Pluto. And the children that Brad and Angelina have adopted, who by now I think could qualify as a municipal township, seem happy enough. I’d rather have my own children, but would certainly adopt as a last resort. I think the children who grow up to have healthy, happy lives as the result of adoptive parents far outnumber the horror stories we hear.
Dessert: Name 2 blue things.
The lake I am currently looking at. It’s beautiful and we’re putting the dock in tomorrow, so boating season will officially begin very soon. My skin after the dock is in and I emerge from said lake. Good God in Heaven, that is going to be a cold dip. But the boating must commence! Wish me luck.
My good friend Amy has been working hard on her company’s financial blog for a couple of years now. In fact, it has been nominated by ReportOnBusiness.com as one of their favorites. I’d very much appreciate it if any readers of this blog could pop in and vote for hers. It takes two seconds. Click through, check the box beside “Wellington Financial” at the bottom of the list, hit the “VOTE NOW” button and you’re done. Thanks in advance!
The only thing better than meeting Martin Short is having a photo taken with him in which you look like you’ve been struck in the head with a cricket bat that has several bricks nailed to it.

I waited 34 years to get a photo with this man, and look at the result. I suppose it’s sorta fitting and funny. As JV put it – Martin short looks like he’s being accosted by a “drunk mountain”. I’ll write a full report on the evening when I get back home tomorrow. Dig on the SCTV Benefit of Laughter Gallery here!
The legal armies of Lucas may break down my door for posting this, but I am so pumped up for Indy 4 that I’m throwing caution to the wind. That’s what Indy would do. This trailer is a bootleg and judging from the plot points discussed and the “surprise” characters you can see and hear (Abner and Marion Ravenwood) I am assuming that it was not meant for release until at least after the film had been in theaters for a few days. The low-quality is also a testament to the fact that someone who works at a trailer editing house probably snuck this out after recording it on their cell phone while Spielberg was out for a fruit smoothie. If you want to be 100% surprised by absolutely everything surrounding the film – don’t watch it.
Video removed by Hollyood’s legal minions, but you can still read my notes:
Spielberg is definitely having a shit fit today because this has been leaked, and I feel for him because I know from all of my fanatical attention to info on this film that it is absolutely beloved to him. But I am happier in the knowledge that I can now say that without a doubt this movie looks seriously awesome. I couldn’t be happier about that.
I know everyone is a little upset that it has been a long time since I’ve written anything about giant squids. More specifically, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything about giant squids. Remember that big 1,000 pound bastard they caught in New Zealand a year or so ago? Well the world’s leading squidsperts have aligned their schedules, met up in NZ and have spent most of the last 36 hours thawing squidzilla out.
In addition to identifying the gender, weighing and dissecting the half ton corpse in the name of healthy science, several of those in attendance have been tasting it. “Surprisingly the smell is not bad at all,” one scientist said. “It smells a bit like a clean fish shop.” That’s one big piece of Calamari! I, and every other blog or news agency in the world just replied simultaneously. But I will go on to say: I’d like to find a lemon big enough to squeeze over that huge Calamari!, and who’s got a deep fryer big enough to cook it in?! So, yes – I win, and remain the premier source of Internet giant squid news.
Providing they save some of the beast for the rest of us to enjoy it will eventually be preserved in a formulin solution and placed in a tank for feature in a Te Papa museum. Many different people will learn a great many things from our friend in formaldehyde. I am taking my lesson to heart early – Don’t swim in the ocean.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWqbH—FX4[/youtube]
A Vancouver newspaper today reports new giant Humbolt squid activity which is threatening to devour all of the sea life on the West coast of Canada. The beak of the New Zealand giant squid is less than half the size of some that have been found in the bellies of sperm whales. In the wake of all the recent evidence there’s even a brand new classification being bandied around – Colossal squid.
After watching 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea for the first time when I was a kid, I wouldn’t go into the bathtub for a week afterwards. Not much has changed, although 25 years later I’m not watching Captain Nemo get mortally crushed by a tentacle on Betamax – I’m reading the newspaper. Several, newspapers. Some poor soul is gonna get killed by a giant squid this summer. That’s my prediction. I mean, on top of that I will die alone.

“Look – I even warned you. Put me in Semi-Pro, and someone will die.”
I make a living through marketing. I am also an unapologetic Indiana Jones nerd. It stands to reason then, that I should pop a ‘short round’ over… Indiana Jones marketing. And that I will die alone.

It gets better before it gets better. Have a look at the running list at the brilliantly named ThrowMeTheIdol.com. There hasn’t been a movie tie-in blitz of this scale since I was… much, much younger. I love it.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhYNjdjLWMA[/youtube]
Not all of the 3 cats that live in my house are complete pricks. Janet’s cat, Mr. Bean, has been making a concerted effort to get along with the puppies. And I think he has succeeded. Look what I saw when I walked into my room today! I mean, besides the dead French Canadian prostitute.
