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Speaking of Nazis


in

A blog post I wrote on a different website that I tinker with has been linked to by StormFront.org and is sending said site a ton of traffic. Before you report me to the ACLU the post in question is about a character in a movie and has nothing to do with white pride, white wine, white chocolate or anything else of a pale nature. I love traffic of pretty much any kind, but should I feel guilty about this particular source?

I watched a documentary recently that mentioned these guys and they all seemed frustrated with the fact they’re so commonly associated with Nazis and white supremacists. “We’re about white pride,” was the message they hammered home. Every other race on the planet gets to be proud, so why can’t we? I certainly agree with them up to a point. I’d never been to the website before, so I clicked through and have some observations.

  1. When trying to establish your credibility as a “pride” organization, a huge banner ad featuring David Duke and Don Black is a bit of a step backwards.
  2. A strictly “nationalist” movement shouldn’t use the classic WWII German font in their logo. The last time I saw this font used was on the box cover for Castle Wolfenstein, and we all know how that game ends. In case you don’t, you have to kill Hitler.
  3. Amongst all the forum threads for money matters, fitness and homemaking one really tends to stand out: Self Defense, Martial Arts & Preparedness. Are we preparing for the militia exercises in the woods this weekend or the impending race war?

I could continue, but I love my car and don’t want it detonated by a ball bearing pipe bomb with me in it anytime soon. I think I’ll stick to “Glad you like the site, gentlemen. Where do you get your hair cut?”

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These are the Nazis of our Lives


in Heartwarming, Movies

In 1981, when I was 8 years old, my father brought me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in Ottawa, Ontario. He was a stoic man to whom fatherhood did not come naturally, but we always found our common ground at the movie theater. I remember the night well, from the amazing film itself right down to checking the back seat of our Zephyr for mummies on the way home. Tomorrow, I am taking him to that same city to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – and the circle will be complete.

The only thing more unlikely than a fourth Indiana Jones movie might be that I once again live near Canada’s capital city… or maybe the fact that my 66 year-old father has a form of dementia that makes Alzheimer’s look like a garden party. If someone had told me several years ago that any of those 3 events were right around the next corner I’d have cheered, packed a snowsuit and then punched a wall in that order. Situations are what they are, and I hope that he enjoys himself and retains memory of the day to the extent that he can. It’s extremely strange to feel yourself slowly starting to grieve for someone who you still see everyday. It doesn’t take a narration by Freud’s ghost to explicate that the trip tomorrow is really for me.

I don’t often get personal on this blog, because sentimentality doesn’t tend to fit in well with giant squid news and dead hooker jokes, but the last couple of months have been rough. Things are sinking in, priorities shifting, novelties wearing off and I am starting to – dare I say it – grow up. I have to perform some calculated fat-trimming to my personal and professional life if I’m to be truly prepared for my next adventure. Sometimes, closure wears a fedora and hates snakes.

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Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus.


in Movies

From IMDB:

“Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has proved a huge hit at the Cannes International Film Festival on Sunday – receiving a standing ovation from critics at its world premiere. The fourth installment of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas’ famous adventure franchise was one of the most eagerly awaited screenings at the French event, attracting a huge amount of hype and publicity. But weeks of speculation threatened to tarnish the premiere after rumors suggested the film had been panned by movie bosses at an exclusive initial screening in Los Angeles last month. However, the film – which sees 65-year-old Harrison Ford return to the role of Indiana Jones after a 19 year gap – was praised by the world’s media, reportedly garnering a three and a half minute standing ovation by the select few who were invited to watch it, according to American industry publication Variety.”

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Yes Miss Daisy!


in Friday's Quizzlet

Appetizer: What is the nearest big city to your home?
Ottawa, Ontario. I’m headed there this evening to see my friend Seany Mac whom I lived in residence with at Guelph. I haven’t seen him for a decade and I can’t wait. We recently got back in touch and I was pleased to learn he lives reasonably close to me. Then Saturday night I am going to my friend Adam’s for a BBQ. He was my neighbor and little buddy way back when I lived in Manotick around 7-11 years of age. They are coming out of the woodwork, and I love it.

Soup: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets?
I’ve been guilty of letting at least one juicy tidbit slip towards the wrong ears at least once in my life, but these days I pride myself on keeping my mouth shut. I’ll talk to close friends until the cows come home, but when in mixed company I tend to shift into “Hemingway mode”. Less is more. My senior superlative was “Talks Least, Says Most”, and I’m still kinda proud of that. Meanwhile, here I am maintaining a blog and blathering on for anyone who’ll listen.

Salad: Describe your hair (color, texture, length).
Short, fine and brown. I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a blond spot that sets me apart a little. When the hair on top of my head gets a bit longish it becomes very pronnounced. Like a polkadot or something. You know what I just thought of then, that I haven’t in year? This, and I laughed.

Main Course: What kind of driver are you? Courteous? Aggressive? Slow?
It all depends on the car and the situation. On long country straightaways with little O.P.P. risk, I’m Steve McQueen. In downtown Toronto with my Mother’s minivan, I’m Hoke Colburn.

Dessert: When was the last time you had a really bad week?
I have no idea. I take it day by day and if things ever got to the point where I’d had 7 miserable 24-hour periods in a row there’d be something seriously wrong. Or I’d be in Newark.

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10 Things I’ve Learned as a First-Time Dog Owner


in Animalistic

Shep and Rhuby are already closing in on 6 months of age, which is incredibly hard for me to believe. I got them at about 8.5 weeks and to think I’ve had the little devils in my life for that long amazes me. I was a devout cat person for years, and if you’d ever told me I would end up with not one but two dogs – I’d have told you to take another nitrus hit out of your Grateful Dead balloon. Then beaten you up because you’d have been a hippy.

So what have I learned in my time as a puppy daddy, I asked myself. What new canine-related knowledge would I choose to impart if someone asked me? Here are some notes…

  1. People used to ask me why I didn’t want to have a dog. My answer was that they smell bad and fart a lot on top of it. My biggest complaint about my dogs thus far? They smell bad and fart a lot on top of it.
  2. Separtated, both dogs are obedient little angels. If Janet goes away for a few days and takes Rhuby you’d mistake Shep for Benji he’s so darn good. Together they’re like Gozer and the fucking keymaster.
  3. The doorbell, even when it’s only on the TV, is cause for a code red, four-alarm barkfest that would make you think the free members of the Manson family are on the doorstep.
  4. Spiders and mosquitos are dee-lish.
  5. They’re getting neutered and spade respectively at the 6 month mark in a couple of weeks. We’re getting dangerously close to puppy potency, and I’m seeing more lipstick out than a Revlon warehouse.
  6. They don’t always remember commands. They don’t always remember their names. But they’ll remember exactly where the dead beaver was even if you don’t take them down that road for a week.
  7. You know how you’d never dream of smoking inside your own home, but if your friend allows it in their house it’s OK? My dogs are like that – with feces. They’re not housebroken, they’re homebroken.
  8. Cat turds out of the litter boxe are dee-lish. If I spot Shep coming upstairs and he looks like he fell asleep in a bowl of Grape Nuts – it’s straight to the laundry sink for a mouthwash like I’m a housewife in the 1950’s whose child just said “aw, gee whiz“.
  9. Even if it’s 11:30 in the morning and the dogs aren’t due to eat for another 6.5 hours, yell “you wanna bone?” when they’re misbehaving or have run off – and they’ll drop everything and come back to you in a split second. They’re a lot like Kim Kardashian in that respect.
  10. When they’re curled up beside you on the couch, all is forgiven.

If the vast majority of these points seem like they revolve around doodies, it’s because they do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guys and have made a commitment for life. I just wish there was a bit less “nauture” involved sometimes. I’ll live and it’s worth it. Just don’t call me Dr. Poolittle.

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SCTV’s Benefit of Laughter Charity Show and Reunion… Review


in Canadiana, Television

“I’m just terrified to get up on a stage with them all again… because no one has ever tested me like they did. You always had to be at the top of your game.” – Martin Short in the Toronto Star

benefit-of-laughterFirst and foremost, I’d have to be a complete and utter jackass to presume I could effectively “review” an event of this magnitude, so please consider it a… loving memoir. A week ago tonight I had the severe pleasure of attending SCTV’s Benefit of Laughter, which was a charity event held to raise money for the Second City alumni fund. To say it was a hot ticket would be the biggest understatement of the 24 years since the beloved station stopped broadcasting in 1984. For two side-splitting performances SCTV was definitely back on the air – onstage in a small theatre in Toronto – and it was a wonderful sight to behold.

I let a week pass before sitting down to write about the night because I wanted to be able to consider, share and link to what other bloggers and the media wrote about the events. Surprisingly there is very little mention of the actual performances online – nothing, actually – and my site is getting the bulk of the related search engine traffic. I’d be writing the show up regardless, but now I feel obligated. So wish me luck, grab your Count Floyd 3D glasses and hang on to your toques.

An SCTV Reunion? Don’t Play With my Emotions Like That.
The Toronto Star interviewed all of the SCTV principals just before the two shows last week in what is probably the best pre-event article you’ll find. Catherine O’Hara (excited), Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin (scared), Joe Flaherty (sorta looking forward to it) and Martin Short were all obviously more than happy to perform together again and to raise money for their Second City peers. The Star did a wonderful job of ramping up to the event, so please read their piece for the full story.

I already mentioned a lot of the background and how my sister and I came to be VIPs for the event in a prior SCTV Reunion post. I’d love to be able to report that I’ve become Catherine O’Hara’s cabana boy, but alas – we paid our way in and sprung for the top tier tickies. I knew it was a great cause and once in a lifetime experience going into it, but after being there – I think I would have paid far more. Perhaps even hocked my Five Neat Guys LP collection. It was good.

Goin’ Down the Road
sctv-castAlthough we originally drove from Ottawa for the event, my sister and I spent Sunday night at our cousin’s in Hamilton. We struck out for Toronto at around 5:30pm on Monday figuring 2.5 hours would be more than enough time to get into the city, drop my car off at a friend’s and then get a cab over to Second City. Toronto traffic, a bastard of a GPS system and one insane cab driver on mentholated schnapps later we were 10 minutes late for the show and just closing in on the location. May I suggest to Second City that in the future they print their address on tickets? Schnapps isn’t particularly good for one’s sense of direction. I’ll give them this, though – they actually called my sister’s cell phone to find out where we were and to make sure we knew how to get there. I know there was a long waiting list, so I’d like to thank them for taking that extra step and not giving our seats away.

We finally got there, were asked by the doorman if we were the “last two everyone is waiting for”, and were shown to our great seats just as the first sketch was starting. We were at a small table in the middle with a lovely couple who eventually introduced themselves as the director and his wife. Thank you for the nachos and Brian – well done, sir! He let on that he was a little nervous about how the show would play out and said that the cast had only one evening and one full day to rehearse and prepare. Since the show was over two hours long I can understand his concern. I noticed that the hysterical laughter surrounding him on all sides definitely had a calming effect. After the show, his super-friendly and lovely wife (whose name escapes me) told me that she mentioned to Eugene Levy and Martin Short that the people they were sitting with had come from Ottawa and they were quite impressed. And by “impressed” I of course mean “ready to file restraining orders”.

Let There be Laughter
How on Earth do I do justice to the actual show? I didn’t take notes – I thought some other blogger who was a bigger SCTV nerd than myself (it happens,) would cover all of the painstaking details. But they haven’t and all I hear are internet crickets. I’ll summarize my favorite sketches and anyone looking for more info or explication is free to leave comments or send me an email which I promise I’ll answer. Please limit your inquiries to the SCTV reunion, and not as to whether I’m a complete waste of space with a drinking problem.

  • Meeting With the Teacher: Catherine O’Hara played an overwhelmed school teacher in the opening sketch who had called together the parents of her 4 worst students. The reasons behind the children’s struggles soon became very apparent. Edith Prickley, a grumpy Italian (Flaherty) a nerd (Levy) and a creepy dude reminiscent of Nathan Thurm (Short) made up the parents. O’Hara: “Where did your son get such a dirty mouth?” Flaherty: “How the fuck should I know?” Audience: “We are in absolute comedic and nostalgic bliss”. I’m allowed one James Lipton moment, no?
  • mocharie-pyeThe Job Interview: This sketch starts out with the big boss (Levy) introducing himself to a job applicant (O’Hara) and then asking if it’s OK if they have a group interview to save time. He then says that the other applicant will be arriving shortly. At this point, I leaned forward and whispered to my sister “I bet Ed Grimley’s gonna come through that door”, and wouldn’t you know it – he did. I lost it and had my first of many laughing fits complete with streaming tears. And guess who got the job? O’Hara’s parting line to Grimley: “You’ll be in my prayers, sir.”
  • The Variety Show: Although I’m still miffed Count Floyd was absent from the show, if Bittman and Maudlin hadn’t made an appearance I might have gone on a tri-province shooting spree. The first of two references to John Candy was made when Sammy Maudlin mentioned how much he missed having William B. as his sidekick. Bobby Bittman came out to plug his new book “Born Lying Down” and the segment was topped off by a visit from Jackie Rogers Jr. and Lola Heatherton – fresh from being booted off dancing with the stars. They proceeded to demonstrate their final routine as I proceeded to snort Molson Canadian up my nose and then all over my brand new shirt.

This post is getting frighteningly long – those were my 3 favorites, but really just the tip of the iceberg. Colin Mocharie appeared in a sketch at a funeral for a man who died with his head in a can of pork and beans and also did an audience-suggestion improv bit with Martin Short and several members of the current Toronto Second City Cast as well as Women Fully Clothed. Robin Duke stole every scene she was in, by the way, and was very nice to me at the after party when I accosted her while she was getting a coffee. Joe Flaherty made sure everyone remembered John Candy when he mentioned him during the standing ovation and let everyone know just how much he was in their thoughts. “He’s here!” someone shouted from the audience, to which Joe smiled and said simply: “That’s right“.

After the Party Comes the After Party
We never touched our wallets during the entire performance and the after party next door at Wayne Gretzky’s was no exception. Tray after tray of hors d’ourves, wine, bottled water and pints made the rounds. Janet and I grabbed a couple of beverages and began to wander.

ohara-janet

A backdrop had been set up for official photos to be taken, but none of the cast had appeared yet. The photographers, a pair of cool and bald twin brothers, asked us if we wanted a photo and we agreed, knowing full well they just wanted to test their apertures, f-stops and such. We ended up carving out a nice little spot for ourselves right near the impending action though, and even met a nice couple to chat with. It turns out Jack had been to my blog that very day when looking for info about the show. People tend to remember one-syllable last names that are synonymous with a dessert.

short-pye

We weren’t allowed to take photos during the show, but my snaps from the party speak a thousand words, with one exception. My sister’s deceptive flash caused me to turn my head a second too early so Martin Short can now count himself as one of the lucky few to be photographed with the elusive sasquatch. All the cast members were happy to pose and chat with their fans, and the highlight of my life evening was managing to make both Mocharie and Flaherty laugh. Although it may have been nervously. Please enjoy the SCTV Reunion Gallery and I hope you enjoyed my affectionate write up. I’ll never forget the experience and count myself lucky to have been there.

More SCTV Reunion Stuff (as I find it):

  • Interview on CityTV: Andrea Martin says the audience at the first show was like an extended family. Aw, shucks!
  • 680 News Interviews: Audio interviews with several cast members before and after the show.
  • Comics Pay tribute: Several well-known comedians explain why SCTV is so special to them.
  • SCTV Locations: Trevor also attended the show and may be the biggest fan of the show in existence.

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Veekend Video: There Will be Boops


in Animalistic, Veekend Video

Whipping young canines into shape takes time, persistence and the patience of a saint. I can hear you asking, “Dave – please tell us your secret!” I’m a generous man, and here it is…

Forget Caesar Milan and save your obedience school money. All you need to know when training a puppy is where to drop a few well-placed “boops“. Set the whole piece to the theme music from Predator, and I think we’ve found the funny.

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The Anatomy of Surrender


in

I’m not taking sides, but…

“The key question for Westerners is: do we love our freedoms as much as they hate them? Many free people, alas, have become so accustomed to freedom, and to the comfortable position of not having to stand up for it, that they’re incapable of defending it when it’s imperilled — or even, in many cases, of recognizing that it is imperilled.” – Bruce Bawer

Alright, I might be taking sides.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Dock it to Me!


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: When someone smiles at you, do you smile back?
Of course I do – I believe the English word for anyone who wouldn’t is “prick”. When I get a smile from a complete stranger it brightens my day. Especially when I’m not in a holding cell.

Soup: Describe the flooring in your home. Do you have carpet, hardwood, vinyl, a mix?
Good heavens, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel today, quizzlet. All of the flooring in the lake house is lovely hardwood. It was lovely, anyway. Puppy claws and puppy pee has wreaked a little bit of havoc. My desk chair has also dulled the finish in my room. But I guess some wear and tear is to be expected when you live in the middle of a three-ring circus.

Salad: Write a sentence with only 5 words, but all of the words have to start with the first letter of your first name.
Death and violence in Darfur.

Main Course: Do you know anyone whose life has been touched by adoption?
One of my best friends was adopted and his home life seemed normal by most standards. On Pluto. And the children that Brad and Angelina have adopted, who by now I think could qualify as a municipal township, seem happy enough. I’d rather have my own children, but would certainly adopt as a last resort. I think the children who grow up to have healthy, happy lives as the result of adoptive parents far outnumber the horror stories we hear.

Dessert: Name 2 blue things.
The lake I am currently looking at. It’s beautiful and we’re putting the dock in tomorrow, so boating season will officially begin very soon. My skin after the dock is in and I emerge from said lake. Good God in Heaven, that is going to be a cold dip. But the boating must commence! Wish me luck.

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Please Vote for a Very Worthy Blog!


in Endorsements

My good friend Amy has been working hard on her company’s financial blog for a couple of years now. In fact, it has been nominated by ReportOnBusiness.com as one of their favorites. I’d very much appreciate it if any readers of this blog could pop in and vote for hers. It takes two seconds. Click through, check the box beside “Wellington Financial” at the bottom of the list, hit the “VOTE NOW” button and you’re done. Thanks in advance!

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I Can Die Now.


in Television

The only thing better than meeting Martin Short is having a photo taken with him in which you look like you’ve been struck in the head with a cricket bat that has several bricks nailed to it.

short-pye

I waited 34 years to get a photo with this man, and look at the result. I suppose it’s sorta fitting and funny. As JV put it – Martin short looks like he’s being accosted by a “drunk mountain”. I’ll write a full report on the evening when I get back home tomorrow. Dig on the SCTV Benefit of Laughter Gallery here!

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Big Ass Indy 4 Trailer Leaked Online


in Movies

The legal armies of Lucas may break down my door for posting this, but I am so pumped up for Indy 4 that I’m throwing caution to the wind. That’s what Indy would do. This trailer is a bootleg and judging from the plot points discussed and the “surprise” characters you can see and hear (Abner and Marion Ravenwood) I am assuming that it was not meant for release until at least after the film had been in theaters for a few days. The low-quality is also a testament to the fact that someone who works at a trailer editing house probably snuck this out after recording it on their cell phone while Spielberg was out for a fruit smoothie. If you want to be 100% surprised by absolutely everything surrounding the film – don’t watch it.

Video removed by Hollyood’s legal minions, but you can still read my notes:

  • This is the first time we’ve seen or heard Marion in any of the trailers. Karen Allen looks really frickin’ great.
  • The Mayans we’ve seen creeping around previously in defence of the Temple of the Crystal Skull aren’t a pocket of survivors untouched by civiliazation – they’re undead.
  • Ray Winstone’s Mac, basically a replacement for the late Denholm Elliot ‘s Marcus Brody, looks to provide some solid comic relief. “Put your hands down. You’re embarassing us.”
  • I knew Marion was along for the jungle adventure, but judging from the brief glimpse of Indy protecting a bearded John Hurt it looks like Abner’s in the thick of it too. I am thinking from his appearence, and another brief glimpse of a random guy in a cell, that perhaps the adventurers find Ravenwood locked up in South America somewhere. Either that or the Russians have him.
  • Is that Spalko jumping out of the tree like a jaguar near the end? Because that would be awesome.
  • I’m shocked that I’m not actually snickering at the thought of Shia as toughguy greaser Mutt Williams anymore.

Spielberg is definitely having a shit fit today because this has been leaked, and I feel for him because I know from all of my fanatical attention to info on this film that it is absolutely beloved to him. But I am happier in the knowledge that I can now say that without a doubt this movie looks seriously awesome. I couldn’t be happier about that.

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Squid Pro Quo


in Giant Squids

I know everyone is a little upset that it has been a long time since I’ve written anything about giant squids. More specifically, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything about giant squids. Remember that big 1,000 pound bastard they caught in New Zealand a year or so ago? Well the world’s leading squidsperts have aligned their schedules, met up in NZ and have spent most of the last 36 hours thawing squidzilla out.

In addition to identifying the gender, weighing and dissecting the half ton corpse in the name of healthy science, several of those in attendance have been tasting it. “Surprisingly the smell is not bad at all,” one scientist said. “It smells a bit like a clean fish shop.” That’s one big piece of Calamari! I, and every other blog or news agency in the world just replied simultaneously. But I will go on to say: I’d like to find a lemon big enough to squeeze over that huge Calamari!, and who’s got a deep fryer big enough to cook it in?! So, yes – I win, and remain the premier source of Internet giant squid news.

Providing they save some of the beast for the rest of us to enjoy it will eventually be preserved in a formulin solution and placed in a tank for feature in a Te Papa museum. Many different people will learn a great many things from our friend in formaldehyde. I am taking my lesson to heart early – Don’t swim in the ocean.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWqbH—FX4[/youtube]

A Vancouver newspaper today reports new giant Humbolt squid activity which is threatening to devour all of the sea life on the West coast of Canada. The beak of the New Zealand giant squid is less than half the size of some that have been found in the bellies of sperm whales. In the wake of all the recent evidence there’s even a brand new classification being bandied around – Colossal squid.

After watching 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea for the first time when I was a kid, I wouldn’t go into the bathtub for a week afterwards. Not much has changed, although 25 years later I’m not watching Captain Nemo get mortally crushed by a tentacle on Betamax – I’m reading the newspaper. Several, newspapers. Some poor soul is gonna get killed by a giant squid this summer. That’s my prediction. I mean, on top of that I will die alone.

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