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Did anyone see Alec Baldwin on SNL last weekend? The show has been so spotty over the last 2 years that even I, Mr. “There are always rebuilding years that aren’t very funny,” have been starting to worry. The early hype created by Lazy Sunday dwindled quickly as even Dane Cook and John C. Riley failed to rally the troops towards consistently funny shows. But the Baldwin episode was almost 100% funny, and I was very glad to see a little life left in the old studio. Some other thoughts on the current cast:

– Keenan Thompson should be used more. But at SNL, if you don’t come up with your own characters, and you’re not always a suitable utility player (like Hammond or Hartman) then the writers won’t put you in many sketches. The characters he does repeat, i.e. the gay disco show host, are weak. But the kid has a lot of talent. I hope he starts to stand out beyond the Bill Cosby impression soon.

– Andy Samberg is a funny kid, and I like the way he has spearheaded the digital shorts, but he’s a little too overtly Sandlerish. If he finds his own identity, and keeps writing his own stuff, he’ll be around for a long time. If he keeps playing songs on his acoustic guitar and trying to be cute, he may make a nice living for a few years but won’t be remembered as one of the greats. Ask Jimmy Fallon.

– I really liked Finesse Mitchell. I was sorry to see him taken off the cast. But I understand why he was axed. He didn’t do many impressions, wasn’t writing and also couldn’t be used much for utility. Not much call for a full time Steadman.

– Releasing Rob Riggle was a huge mistake. I am glad to see he landed on his feet over at the Daily Show. Riggle was a real standout during 2005 and I am still scratching my head, Lorne. Chalk him up right underneath David Koechner and Sarah Silverman as the most premature SNL firings ever.

– I see a lot of potential in Bill Hader and Kirsten Wiig. His impressions are amazing, and she has devised some off-the-wall characters so far. I am still laughing at the “canderls” Target lady.

So basically my question becomes, can Alec Baldwin just host every week?

I have been on the road today, and having trouble finding inspiration for a good post. Luckily, it just came in the form of an instant messenge from a friend. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst burglar in human history. Please believe me when I say this is worth the time it takes to watch it.

When I think of a cat burglar, which is defined as: A burglar who is especially skilled at stealthy or undetected entry of a premises, I think of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ sweet buttocks pointed in the air as she navigates lasers under the tutiledge and raging erection of Sir Sean Connery. Or James Caan in Thief, but in this case more skill set and less buttocks. Regardless, the subject of the surveillance in this case is going to be burned into my related funny bone for a long time. He can’t even hit the camera with the margarita mix. Like a rat in a trap, as the police arrive, he sits down for a quick surrender smoke.

50 contact bottle top bruises, 5 to 10 with good behavior, a new respect for drop-ceiling strength and a pack of Marlboro Lights. A haul worthy of Danny Ocean himself.

As I walked past the mirror on my way to the bathroom this morning, I noticed an enormous bump in the middle of my forehead. It’s closer to the hairline, and I sort of look like a budding young unicorn – I have an impacted wisdom horn, perhaps. It’s pretty ridiculous, and I almost thought about working from home today rather than face society with this goose egg. But then again, I’ll stay home for a good episode of Columbo. I am a professional, you see.

So I have to assume it was some sort of bug. And due to the bump size, likely a spider. And that’s just nasty. What else is fucking with me while I slumber? Is the cat tea-bagging me with little furry orange nuts in retribution for questionable litter box cleanliness? Is it Santa who keeps drinking all my beer? I just don’t know.

So some nasty little bug bastard sat on the middle of my head and drank blood to its heart’s content. And he’s on to a good thing now, so I can probably look forward to this again. There will be a thorough ceiling spider check when I get home tonight, and possibly masturbating.

My sister introduced me to Jon Wilkerson earlier this year, and we eventually all went to a Belle and Sebastian concert here in Boston. I hadn’t seen him since, and was shocked when I was sent his accident-related website earlier today:

“On Wednesday, June 21, 2006, Jon Wilkerson was involved in a tragic mountain biking accident at the Des Moines Creek Park in Kent, WA just outside Seattle. Jon was by himself when it occurred so he spent the night alone, hanging on until strangers found him the following day. Jon was in critical condition when found, requiring resuscitation and stabilization. His neck was broken at vertebrae C6 and suffered additional damage above and below this vertebrae. The accident has rendered Jon with limited mobility from his neck down. Since being hospitalized, he has also dealt with several significant complications including 4 bouts of pneumonia.”

According to the site, set up in his name to raise money for his treatment, Jon is doing as well as can be expected and is in very good hands. I thought I’d mention it here today to give him a little search engine juice and wish him a full recovery. He was a genuinely terrific guy and I’m sorry I didn’t get to know him better before he moved. Godspeed, Jon.

A co-worker wanted to play with his iPaq a few month ago. That’s not a euphemism for masturbation. It’s PDA with a video camera. So I performed an impromptu piece of interpretive dance which he sent to me last night. I’d forgotten about it, and in retrospect it’s quite breathtaking.

It’s kind of like a vaudeville version of the ‘robot’ which turns into some shadow boxing towards the end. Really, really ahead of its time. And I’m especially glad I was wearing my Jersey Shore Adidas top thingy that day. Please enjoy.

My favorite day of the week is always over in the blink of an eye, and I never accomplish everything I set out to. It’s already nearly four, and by my scientific calculations I’ve accomplished 2 loads of laundry, some kitchen cleaning or as they’d say around the lab – the square root of fuck all. Alright, so I made my bed too. Dr. Covey, I await my mention in the foreward of your next edition.

The best laid plans and the best of intentions do not a productive Saturday make. I’ve looked forward to my Taz-esque whirlwind of task-ticking all week, and yet I still found the time today to play Scarface for three hours. But there’s plenty of time left, and I’ve learned how to sell virtual cocaine with the best of them. Not like it’s going to get dark in an hour. Oh, actually yes it will.

It’s true that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But unfortunately it’s also true that if you make a great plan that doen’t mean you won’t eat three dill pickles and drink a pot of coffee while watching home video of your 24th birthday party. Get back in the game, Pye. There are toilets to scrub around here.

Most MySpace layouts are absolutely terrible, and most free MS sites are just advertisement farms waiting to impregnante your daughters with viruses and SpyWare. Again, this is a bad thing. My roomate, one of his co-workers and I have been working on a MySpace layout website, and we’ve just posted some of the free introductory designs for you to check out.

Tom and Ben did a wonderful job on this set of Borat themes, just in time for the movie’s release this weekend. They are cleanly designed with dynamic quotes, great original graphics and other fun components. Just paste any of the 9 codes into your MS profile’s “About Me” section and you’re done. Check back in a few weeks for more of their amazing free designs.

I’ve been very, very ill since Sunday, and it’s due in no small part to all the travel, sleep deprivation and revelry of last weekend. But about 1.5 days into my 3-day coma, I realized there was something larger at work than a simple bender. And that is – I am an extremely unhealthy individual. To give this some perspective, more for myself rather than my readers, here is a select and impromptu tally from the last month that led to my physical breakdown.

– On average, 2 pints of Ben and Jerry’s a week.
– 14 hours on the computer per day.
– Although I hadn’t had a drink prior in nearly 3 weeks, JV’s wedding saw 3 days of heavy imbibement including port, beer, scotch, homemade Welland basement wine, champagne and Tequila Rose.
– A Nicaraguan cigar.
– Coca-Cola. Lots of it. Whenever I go out and do not drink alcohol, which is quite frequent.
– Several times this last month I have purchased little bricks of Velveeta which have ended up melted on pizza pockets and mixed into Chef Boyardee ravioli. Give me a Fun Dip for dessert and yes, it’s 1978 again.
– Ambien – I can’t sleep on weeknights without at least a wee nibble. Regular sleep has been a challenge for me for many years. Spare me the story about the person who drove their car while asleep – it’s all I ever hear about when I mention the ‘A’ word. Besides, I woke up in a cornfield and no one was hurt.
– Cheetos. 2 bags in the last 4 weeks. In addition to the wonderful salty flavor, it’s also fun to run around the house looking like you just wanked with Eazy Cheez.
– Pizza, preferably pepperoni. Every thursday night and at least 4 slices. Currently, this constitues health food in my life.

It’s not so much what’s on the above list perhaps as what is glaringly absent. It’s a simple trinity:

– Fruit.
– Vegetables.
– Exercise.

We did the Pork Ass Challenge earlier this year to some good results. But that was just about dropping weight, and I opted for some really foolish methods of accomplishing that. This Saturday I’m hitting a real supermarket, starting to use my crisper for something other than rotten Haymarket apples and joining one of the nearby gyms. When I write it on the blog, it usually happens. I will scan the membership ID – see if I don’t.

4 years and many, many thousands of dollars later – I am officially out of debt. Evil incarnate was Discover Card issuing checkbooks to out of work 20-somethings after the dot com bubble burst. Rent? No problem. $1,000 to go to Phoenix for a wedding? No problem. 80% interest rate? Wait, excuse me. I didn’t realize “Discover” was actually a Russian last name, and since when are your offices located in a Southie dockyard? Wicked.

It’s a happy day. Time for pizza and cokes at the Pushcart, then tomorrow I am off to Toronto for Venditti’s wedding. I will attempt to squeeze a quizzlet in tomorrow, but new projects (seo blog) and a crazy workplace are eating up a lot of my bloggy time. But I shall return. I always do.