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Friday’s Quizzlet: Live and in Technicolor


in Friday's Quizzlet

Last week’s user-submitted quizzlet was a lot of fun, no? Shall we do it again? I’m about to send out Facebook and Twitter requests for questions and I will add to this post as they come in. Please leave your questions in the blog comments. Update: Sweet Jesus. Stop before I end up on a government list.

Appetizer: If you could berate a pro sports athlete at a match, etc. who would it be? – Gary P.

I’ve never been a fan of his, but after last Saturday’s Bruins vs. Islanders match – “The Pest”, Sean Avery. Click the link if you’ve yet to see him thwap the back of Bruins’ goalie Tim Thomas’ head with his stick starting a donnybrook which hardly helped New York’s situation. There is hockey goonery, which I fully encourage, and then there’s hockey douchebaggery. I’d like to take a Gatorade bucket and dump it over his head. In the middle of a rink after a game that would be awfully chilly! Not to mention it would be filled with carbolic acid.

Soup: How are you and Spud getting along now that you’ve inherited him? – Anneliese R.

Surprisingly well, thank you. You were here the day he bit my face and scarred the frig out of it two summers ago. Whether I deserved it or not, there are two types of cats: ones that bite to wound and ones that bite to warn. Spud is of a third type which bites to maim. Anyhew, not only are we getting along but he sleeps in my bed, follows me around the house, sits with me, purrs constantly – it’s amazing. I guess he knows where his mouse is buttered now.

Salad: How many dogs can one man own? – Kent H.

Three. I didn’t even have to think about it. There are several factors to consider in regards to how many canines one household can sustain, but only one of them is worth discussing – it’s what I like to call the “creature to lawn landmine threshold ratio”. It looks something like this:

Number of dogs x 2 poops each a day / lawn acreage = C.L.L.R.

Currently I’m maxxed out. I have my stainless steel dustpan on a pole, my little doo-doo rake and I’m constantly hovering over the grass looking for dead soldiers as it is. If another dog were to be added to the mix I’d be buried in a mountain of recycled Eukanuba by Labor Day.

nero-eric-bana

Main Course: Thanks to a relatively new area of science called String Theory, physicists and cosmologists are on the cusp of unifying Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity (the theory of the very big) with quantum theory (the theory of the very small). If their calculations prove true, it will mean that our universe sits within a sea of parallel universes that existed long before The Big Bang. Could you give me your take on the implications of parallel universes and pre-Big Bang physics? What does this stuff mean for mankind? – Mark B.

My head just started throbbing. The answer to your questions, however, are obvious. The implications of a parallel universe were well documented in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and I’m not going to jump through hoops for you and rehash it all here. What does it mean for mankind? Well – we’re fucked, basically. Especially after Nero warps in on May 8th.

Dessert: If you had to cut off one of your fingers from each hand, which ones would you pick? – Staci D.

You can’t live without your thumb. Watch the Pope of Greenwich Village for more detail on that point. Your index finger enables you to pick your nose, point and poke. The middle finger – enough said. And the pinkie is just way too adorable. Reminds me of my mother telling me nursery rhymes about pigs. The third finger, however, doesn’t even have a nickname. So lop those suckers off on both hands. If for no other reason than I can look like I’m throwing the goat, 24/7.

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Introducing Pixie Pye!


in Animalistic

Back in February, when Mom was particularly bad, Shep’s breeder graciously offered to take care of him for a few days. When I returned to pick him up Megan mentioned to me that Pixie, who was Shepherd 1.0‘s mother, had to have an emergency spay after her most recent litter was delivered and as a result would be put up for adoption should I be interested. I had always adored Pixie – she was the first Boston Terrier I ever really met in my life – so the wheels started turning.

A bit of background – you may recall that the first litter Janet and I were supposed to get our puppies from, parented by Pixie and Oscar, died of the equivalent of canine SIDS. The impending existence of an “accidental” litter became apparent to the breeder a few days later, parented by Cricket and Oscar this time, and Megan called to let me know Janet and I would have first choice of those puplets when the time came. Hence we went on to become fanatical Boston Terrier people. Just call me Rose McGowan.

The bottom line is that Shep is an incredible pain in the butt when the two of us are up here alone and his sister is with my sister in Boston. He sits beside my office chair and whines all darn day. When Rhuby is here, however, they keep each other amused to no end. This was the basis on which I made the decision to adopt Pixie last week – and I picked her up Monday night right after I got back from Beantown. The breeder told me that she was “elated” that I wanted the dog because three other families she interviewed with didn’t work out. Whether the people sucked, or I’ve just adopted Satan spawn, remains to be seen.

IMG 0849
“What did you just say about my new brother?”

She’s small for a Boston Terrier with a muscular little frame that shoots around the house at breakneck speeds. She’s not too fond of the cats as of yet and frequently corners them before barking in their faces until I come and drag her away. She snores like a sailor and makes little grunting sounds constantly which may cause some to mistake her for a pot-bellied pig – but I assure you it’s beyond cute. Snoring will begin literally 20 seconds after she puts her head down, so let me change my previous comparison to “drunken” sailor.

Two days before I picked her up she was in a scrap with another of the breeder’s dogs, “Dancey” who managed to tear a big hunk out of her left brow. I’ve been doing my best to keep it clean and closed which is why you’ll see a band aid in some of her pictures. I am now of the opinion that Crazy Glue should be a feature of every first aid kit.

So far so good. I love the little monster, and the fact that she’s named after my favorite band made the decision that much easier. Destiny turned on the Terrier, perhaps. Stay tuned for more silly puppy photos and videos featuring my new muse – Pixie Pye! Click for the full gallery.

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Help Get Stan Rogers a Star on Canada’s Walk of Fame


in Canadiana, Musical

stan-rogers-songwriterIf you don’t know who Stan Rogers was, that’s OK – he’s been dead since 1983 (went back to pull other passengers out of a burning plane even after he himself had escaped) and never permeated the American mass music market the way many other Canadian bands have. And by “Canadian bands” I of course mean the Bare Naked Ladies. If you’d like to learn more about this remarkable musician please visit the Wadio post I did on Stan Rogers a year and a half ago.

There’s currently a petition to have Rogers awarded a posthumous star on Canada’s Walk of Fame – and I think that’s a damn good idea. I’ve loved his saltwater-soaked sea tales since my father first played them for me as a child. In fact, modern bands like the Decemberists must surely count him as an influence.

Barrett’s Privateers – You have to watch this!

They need at least 5,000 signatures by noon eastern time on April 30th and currently have less than 2,000, apparently. The person leading the Stan Rogers charge, and who created the Facebook group I belong to wrote me only this morning. A for effort, my friend:

“Please sign so that when I meet with the Walk’s selection committee on April 30th I can show Stan Rogers was truly admired.”

It’s really hard to believe this is even in contention or being discussed. The man is a national treasure and definitely should have been in line for a star before Brendan Fraser (2006) or Celine Dion (1999). I signed the petition a few months ago and it takes seconds. If you’re a Stan fan then please take 2 minutes today and add your name to the petition. For the love of Trebek.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Cold Kickin’ It Live!


in Animalistic, Friday's Quizzlet, Movies

The site from which I used to spelunk my quizzlet questions each Friday has unfortunately gone the way of the Dodo. I’m quite happy to make the questions up myself – but that seems pretty disingenuous. I’d also like to reboot the sense of community we had here on Pye in the Face in years past and encourage reader participation. See where I’m going with this?

Using my Facebook status and Twitter account I’m going to invite all of you to submit the 5 questions which normally make up Friday’s Quizzlet. If folks care enough to get involved maybe I’ll be able to do this every week. I’d also like to invite people to answer the questions themselves in the comments like so many of you used to do in PITF’s golden era. Monday I’ll also be reinstating the Quotelet contest – with real prizes this time around. Sound fun? I’m certainly looking forward to it. Update: Thanks for all the submissions, folks. Here we go.

Appetizer: It’s a common observation that people’s pets resemble them in some way. What are 3 similarities between you and your pet? – Amy K.

1. Shepherd is loyal to a fault. You could say that, however, about every dog that has ever lived. “Want me to follow you into traffic? OK!” Although my “gut feelings” are usually quite dependable there have been a few times in my life where I spent time and energy on fixing people – when I should have been taking out the garbage. Or walking into traffic.

2. Shepherd digs his sister. Janet and I have been very close (since we stopped living together at our parent’s) and we both value each other’s support. For obvious reasons this has become especially important recently and also explains how my 5-day business trip to Boston has turned into over 3 weeks at this point. I’m reminded of Belushi’s SNL skit, “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”. But she swears she isn’t. We’ll see what she thinks in another 3 weeks.

3. Shepherd is fascinated by deer poo. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, people.

Soup: Has anyone ever really cared when Jimmy cracked corn? – Megan C.

Yes – it’s quite possible that over the years at least a few people have cared. I’m assuming that to “crack” corn is to husk it and thought up some possible examples.

  • His hungry corn-fed family.
  • A cow, pig or other farm animal who was also quite hungry. If he’s crackin’ corn on a regular basis, he probably lives on a farm. Or needs a hobby.
  • Any major theater chain you wish to choose. Kernels don’t grow on trees, they grow on corn stalks. And getting at the kernels first requires you to crack those motherfuckers.
  • Native American dry colored corn artists. Without Jimmy they’d have far less time to create breathtaking art.

So next time you want to hate on Jimmy the corn cracker, Megan, try showing a little compassion instead. Cornpassion, even.

Salad: What’s your favorite Bonnie memory? Sorry that’s personal but I’d like to hear it. – Mary C-B.

It’s obviously impossible to pick just one. There was an amusing recent occurrence, however, which happened up at the lake house about 3 summers ago. I bugged and bugged my mother to get on the back of a jetski with me, which she was absolutely dead set against. After taking a couple of test runs back and forth across her line of vision, I came back to the dock in one piece and finally coerced her to climb on. She got out of her lawn chair which was set up on the dock beside Gordo and several neighbors and they cheered her on as she straddled the evil, motorized sea beast.

The voyage started out well-enough, with Mom giggling and mock-screaming as she held on to my waist for dear life. Then it all went horribly wrong. Anyone with jetski experience will hammer home one piece of advice to a newbie – never decelerate in a turn. I did just that, right in full view of the dock spectators, and Bonnie and I rolled arse-over-tit beneath the waves in a split second. I climbed back on my steed but Mom had had quite enough and dog-paddled all the way back to shore as we both endured comments from the peanut gallery (well, I got a lot more shit than she did). I tied up at the dock myself about 20 minutes later. As I passed by my father he beckoned for me to lean down before whispering in my ear: “Thanks a lot, asshole. Now she’ll never let me get one.”

Main Course: Which crime would you make punishable by death, and how would the guilty be executed? – Gary P.

Child abuse. Particularly that of a diddly nature. Most states will already execute you for killing a child. Ruining the rest of their life via mental scarring will only get you a comparably short jail sentence followed by a “This Guy is a Diddler” sign on your front lawn. I’ll need more time to devise the ideal method of diddler dispatch, but I can tell you that it will definitely be slow, will definitely be painful and will definitely involve… diddling.

Dessert: Why hasn’t Will Smith insisted on starring in films with better storylines? – Angie F.

I have to assume here that you’re speaking specifically about the two cowboys fighting the giant robotic spider in 1880’s California? If you’re not, you should be. At least you get to see Bai Ling’s buttocks in that pile of garbage, which on second thought isn’t much of an incentive. Seven Pounds put me to sleep quicker that a mallet to the temple, but I think recently his choices have been quite sound. I really enjoyed I Am Legend, Pursuit of Happyness and Hancock. Your theory about Will’s bad choices may come back into fashion, however, as I see his next movie in production is entitled Monster Hunter. I’d like to go on record as saying I hope that movie involves at least one Sasquatch pursuit.

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Linkbait for a Living


in Professional

Have you ever thought to yourself – “Gosh. I wonder what Dave Pye actually does for a living“?

If your answer was “yes” then please read on. If your answer was “no, you narcissistic prick” – I probably deserved that. I’m going to pull down my professional pants today and give you a Wizard-of-Oz-esque peek behind the… pants. I wrote a piece on my search engine marketing blog last night which may just be entertaining enough for Pye in the Face. It may also earn me street cred with the local Star Trek fan club.

The “art” of creating linkbait is one of my favorite parts of online marketing. How else would I be able to pay my bills writing about Joy Division, Al Capone and the NCAA in the course of the same workday? I’ll let you travel on over to my linkbait examples post for a deeper explanation. You’ll get to see me share, for the first time, some of the admittedly very silly things I get to put together for clients. You’ll also learn how it helps their companies make money. Sometimes these things have to be seen to be believed. Sometimes they should be ignored completely.

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Wednesday Wadio: The Tragically Hip’s “Grace, Too”


in Canadiana, Musical, Wednesday Wadio

I come from downtown
Born ready for you
Armed with will and determination – and grace, too

Since they’re gearing up to launch their 11th studio album, “We Are the Same” on April 7th – I thought it would be beyond appropriate to re-boot Wednesday Wadio with a delicious slice of the Tragically Hip. When they were invited, at Dan Aykroyd’s insistence, to play an episode of Saturday Night Live which he hosted in 1996 it was a big night for Kingston, Ontario’s favorite sons. Dan even represents the Limestone City as he introduces the first song – my all-time favorite “Grace, Too“.

Dan’s friends, the Tragically Hip

The song’s lovely bass intro was the first feature that grabbed me way back in my University days, 1994 to be exact. I remember my friend Steve Barry had all of his friends (of which I was one,) over to his house as soon as he got back from the record store with the comprehensively classic album “Day for Night” on CD. We sat scrunched in his room as it kicked off with Grace, Too – and I remember the boys were all suitably impressed. In fact it’s amazing we even got to the bars that night. The record also contains Hips canon classics like “Thugs”, “Nautical Disaster”, “Scared” and “Inevitability of Death” – and little did I know we were in for long afternoon of many repeated listenings and a lot of Molson Canadian. It’s a great, solid record from start to finish which I can admit now – although in 1994 my epiphany had not yet come and I friggin’ hated the Hip.

There was a website I loved devoted to explicating and deciphering Tragically Hip lyrics. It was called the “burning schoolhouse” or something and it may be ancient history as I can’t find it. I once read there that the song was about a pimp attempting to convince a young girl, straight off the bus, to come and work for him. “The appearance of conflict meeting the appearance of force” line would be especially meaningful under that interpretation. I know now from personal experience that lead singer, Gord Downie, saw no shortage of hookers growing up in Kingston. Did that come out wrong? That came out wrong.

That same night on SNL we were treated to the performance of another confirmed Hip classic, “Nautical Disaster“, which is a little easier to translate than Grace, Too. Primarily because it’s about a nautical disaster. If you’re a Hip rookie and you enjoyed what you saw and heard above – be sure to check this tune out before you leave me today.

I ask you – What kind of a frigtard designs a lifeboat for only 10 people?

It’s true – if nothing else, Canada is rich in lumber, fresh water and songs about people dying violent deaths at sea. I hope you enjoyed the return of Wadio today and of Pye in the Face in general. You can order the Hip’s classic, “Day for Night“, from Amazon MP3 by clicking the title and their upcoming tour dates have also been released.

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Operation: Redneck at the Improv Asylum in Boston


in Boston

Sunday night Janet and I went to see this year’s NEMPAC play at the Improv Asylum in Boston’s North End. T’was directed, as always, by the amazing and talented Lauren Nelson. Operation: Redneck was full of laughs and in addition to raising money for charity the actors were obviously having a very good time with the down home material. Some of the characters in “Redneck” make Larry the Cable Guy look like Grace Kelly.

You may remember I was a cast member in the troupe’s production of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark in 2006, and I sure could have sunk my teeth into the “JJ” role. I cannot, however, fault the performance of John Chenier who was pitch-perfect as the beer-swilling pea brain. Dan, Laurie and the rest of the cast also did a fine job. The final show is tonight at 7pm, tickets are available at the door starting at 5pm and will only run you $15. And yes – you can drink beer while you’re watching the play. Hooo-weeee!

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Pye in the Face Hath Returned!


in Pye in the Face

I’m beyond happy to announce that the bastard hackers have been thwarted and my humor and pop culture blog, “Pye in the Face” a.k.a. www.DavePye.com is back and better than ever! New energy, new backend, new design and all the previous posts were saved and restored. That was a close one.

It’s scary to have a labor of love you’ve been plugging away at for 5 years vanish in the blink of a 12-year-old Korean’s keystroke. If I’ve learned one thing from this nightmare it’s that it pays to have long, intricate passwords. Let that be a lesson to you all. “%afwr&kjhk*()-=-&%$@yut” over “ilovemykitty” – always. I know you love your kitty. We all love your kitty.

I won’t stop until the momentum and commenting community I had circa 2007 has been fully reinstated, and even then I’ll keep polluting your RSS feeds with my own brand of silliness. I have missed having this outlet like you couldn’t imagine. I’m back – and I hope some of you are still listening.

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ePixome.com on Canadian Dragon’s Den?


in Television

As an admitted anglophile – someone who likes all things British and definitely not someone who hangs around near Saxon playgrounds – I have always been a fan of the wonderful show, Dragon’s Den. Fledgling entreprenuers climb a flight of stairs into the vertitable den – coming face to face with the dragons who are 5 accomplished, and very wealthy, businesspeople looking to invest money in new ideas, start-ups, inventions, etc. They either love the idea and compete to outbid their peers (“I’ll give you 100,000 pounds for 35% of the company.”) or tear the hopeful pitchers to shreds (“You’ve got a better chance of seeing a one-legged cat bury a turd on a frozen pond”. Here is an especially humorous clip from the original British version to give you a better idea. A very creative pitch goes a bit awry…

Canada’s CBC launched their own version of Dragon’s Den 3 years ago and my old friend Gary wrote to tell me he auditioned for the latest season this week in Hamilton, Ontario. I was suitably impressed and also glad to hear that apparently the day went very well for him. Looks like there’s a very good chance he’ll make it to the den – and if not, good on ‘im for trying. You can see him giving a mini-pitch to a camera here – he is second in the montage. It’s worth a look to see his futuristic soul patch alone.

Gary’s company, ePixome.com, has actually been quite successful and he’s been slugging away at it for the best part of a decade. I may make fun of his facial hair from time to time (and head hair for that matter), but he went from over $60K in debt to profitability after landing contracts with a variety of NBA teams. So what does his digital media marketing company do, exactly? It’s very cool – he allows sponsors to brand digital photos that his team take of fans at sporting events, concerts, etc. Everyone who is in one of the free photos is given a card with a serial number on it which can be entered at the website for access to the photo. It’s proven popular to date and Gary’s plans now include his new site, Fanaticam.com which brings videos from events under a more targeted digital media sports marketing model. Frankly, I like his chances. Mainly because they don’t use real dragons.

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Bonnie Eleanor Pye


in Heartwarming

PYE, Bonnie Eleanor, age 68, graduate of Saltfleet High School and lifelong teacher of young minds, peacefully in hospital, Kingston, Ontario, after a lengthy illness, on Sunday, February 15, 2009. Bonnie (nee Smith), beloved wife to Gordon Pye, for over 40 years. Loving mother of David Pye of Portland, Ontario and Janet Pye of Boston, Massachusetts. Dear daughter of Claire Larson of Burlington, Ontario and the late Jimmy Smith. In keeping with Bonnie’s wishes, cremation will be immediate. A celebration of her life will be held at the family home in Portland, Ontario, on Saturday, May 16, two days prior to her birthday. For those desiring to offer condolences or to request further details, please contact her son, David, at: dave@davepye.com. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to a local cancer centre or palliative care facility of your choice.

Yeah, I wrote that for my Mom. It will be in the Ottawa Citizen, Boston Globe and Hamilton Spectator tomorrow. Please save me a clipping if you see it.

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Mission Accomplished. Sarcasm.


in

I don’t really need to think through and verbalize this joke, do I?

“The founder of an Islamic television station in upstate New York aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes has confessed to beheading his wife, authorities said.”

Whatever happened to the candlestick in the parlor? Somewhere, Nick Berg is laughing.

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Not Quite a Quizzlet: “Your Names”


in Friday's Quizzlet

I don’t take the time to fill out many of these, kids, but I enjoyed this one and it didn’t take 3 hours to complete. My favorite is #7 – Best Superhero name in human history, and those were seriously the first two words that came to mind. Give ‘er a shot yer darn selves.

YOUR REAL NAME: David James Pye

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names): Douglas Elizabeth

3. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad): Jimmy Stanley

4. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name): Pyeda

5. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): Cobalt Blue Canine

6. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born): James Ottawa

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning): The Maroon Harpoon

8. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name): Daye

9. STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie): Mint Chocolate Chip Chocolate Chip

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet’s name, street you grew up on): Apple Island View

11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of last name plus izzle): Pyeizzle

13. YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name): Aejaidpye

14. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Shepherd

Sharper than an M.I.T. student on adderall. Stronger than a hunk of unpasturized blue cheese left in a shoebox slightly above room temperature for a week. Criminals everywhere would shake in their shiny boots at the mere mention of… The Maroon Harpoon!

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The Immediate Future of PITF


in Pye in the Face

I can’t take it anymore. My current install of Wordpress, the application which powers this blog, is currently so corrupt that most people can’t comment and I can’t save any backend changes whatsoever. Might as well rename it www.Blagojevich.tv. I have tried to avoid a complete reinstallation but at this point I don’t think there is any way to avoid it. I recently migrated a Wordpress blog for a friend and my confidence in that process has increased a bit, so I am thinking now is the time for action. Now is the time I reclaim Pye in the Face from the wee gremlins and ghosties that have been gumming up the works for the past 6 months. It must be great again!

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of the times. Now is the winter that, discontented, I reinstall Wordpress.” – Me

If you pass by and see anything wacky going on in the next few days, you’ll know why. I refuse, however, to be held responsible for any and all niche Austrian pornography which may appear here in my absence. Especilly those midget clowns that pee on female ringmasters. I may have just dreamed that, though.

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