Animalistic

Rhubarb and Shepherd were born in late November, 2007 in Kingston Ontario. But their first birthday party will be held the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving in Boston, MA. If you’re a family friend we’d love for you to come and join us as myself and Shepherd (obviously) will both be in town and anxious to see people.

The party is VERY kid-friendly so snacks, juice and gift bags will be available. However it’s still a Pye Party, so beer and wine will be flowing long after the children have left and probably long before they’ve left to be fair. Help us celebrate this special day and prime your pumps for the big holiday at the same time.

Presents for the pooches are welcomed and encouraged! Sweaters, treats, toys and anything else you may dream up are all great ideas. And if anyone can dig up the Dog Indiana Jones Costume that was sold out everywhere I looked online – Shep really had his hopes up for that one. Hope to see you there, and that nobody calls the ASPCA! If you would like to come, send me an email or Facebook message where there is also an Event page for the evening.

Signed: Dave and Janet – Proud siblings and parents of siblings (No, this party isn’t actually taking place in Kentucky).

Do you think that if a genie or some kind of forest gnome approached you and granted three wishes you’d opt for the eradication of mosquitos as one of your selections? I would. Obviously several species of bird and a few other animals down the chain would become extinct immediately, having suddenly lost a major food source, but still – I hate the little fuckers and I want them wiped off the face of the Earth for good like the DoDo.

World peace, fame and fortune are all well and good, but the gnomes are usually sticklers about the three wish limit. So mosquito extinction, fame and fortune would be the order of my special wish day. We hosted a Spanish exchange student named Maria for a couple of months back in high school and I remember her and her friends were horrified at the mere concept of whiny little bastard insects that not only suck your blood but replace it with a poison which renders you itchy for many days afterwards. I even remember the funny way they pronounced the word: mossh-kee-toes – always with a disgusted grimace on their faces. Apparently they don’t exist in Spain – correct me if I’m wrong. And then send me an immigration document.

What a glorious thought. A world without mosquitoes. Depending on the time of day I can be surrounded by 10 of the horrible things about 30 seconds after walking out my front door. If I’m trying to get some work done I usually lather up in repellent, take my chances and deal with the resulting bite pains and neck scratching. I took a good look at my arms tonight while sitting at my desk deciding what to write about and realized I look like I’ve got some sort of pioneer smallpox. I have been bitten so many times since the snow melted and the bastard bugs appeared that I hardly even notice it anymore. I’m like one of those rattlesnake preachers: “Repent or face eternal toe knuckle itchiness!”

Janet and I picked up Rhuby and Shep at the vet’s in Westport this morning where they’d been overnight after having been spayed and neutered respectively. Rhuby had a large uterus, apparently, and her sutured incision is quite long. Shep’s nad removal required only about a 3/4 of an inch slice which he already seems to have forgotten all about. Rhubarb’s stitches run three layers deep and are a bit more serious, so we have to keep them separated and aptly monitored for a good 10 days or so. No jumping, no horse play, no swimming, no baths, no offleash outside frolicking – no fun. This is not going to be an easy set of rules to try and enforce.

Now that the deed is done, a little bit of guilt has crept in. I find myself wondering exactly what the benefits of a fixed pet are over and above people telling me that it’s a “good idea”. Here’s what I’ve learned tonight…

What fixing a dog does:

• Simply put, it eliminates hormone-driven behaviors.
• Eliminates a dogs need to fight with other dogs over potential mates.
• Helps curb the need to mark territory or to advertise ‘availability”.
• Helps dogs remain focused during training instead of looking around for a female in heat, etc.
• Makes it less likely for the animal to develop many types of cancer and other diseases.

What fixing a dog does not:

• Neutering does not affect physical or mental development.
• It does not automatically make dogs fat and lazy.
• It does not make dogs less protective of you or your property.

I think I feel better now, to be honest. Here’s a question to all you dog owners: Have I missed any thing on my list? Are you for or against the fixing of man’s best friends? I think i’m leaning towards the “unless you’re planning to breed them, snip the little fuckers” camp. 10/10 mail carriers agree.

Shep and Rhuby are already closing in on 6 months of age, which is incredibly hard for me to believe. I got them at about 8.5 weeks and to think I’ve had the little devils in my life for that long amazes me. I was a devout cat person for years, and if you’d ever told me I would end up with not one but two dogs – I’d have told you to take another nitrus hit out of your Grateful Dead balloon. Then beaten you up because you’d have been a hippy.

So what have I learned in my time as a puppy daddy, I asked myself. What new canine-related knowledge would I choose to impart if someone asked me? Here are some notes…

1. People used to ask me why I didn’t want to have a dog. My answer was that they smell bad and fart a lot on top of it. My biggest complaint about my dogs thus far? They smell bad and fart a lot on top of it.
2. Separtated, both dogs are obedient little angels. If Janet goes away for a few days and takes Rhuby you’d mistake Shep for Benji he’s so darn good. Together they’re like Gozer and the fucking keymaster.
3. The doorbell, even when it’s only on the TV, is cause for a code red, four-alarm barkfest that would make you think the free members of the Manson family are on the doorstep.
4. Spiders and mosquitos are dee-lish.
5. They’re getting neutered and spade respectively at the 6 month mark in a couple of weeks. We’re getting dangerously close to puppy potency, and I’m seeing more lipstick out than a Revlon warehouse.
6. They don’t always remember commands. They don’t always remember their names. But they’ll remember exactly where the dead beaver was even if you don’t take them down that road for a week.
7. You know how you’d never dream of smoking inside your own home, but if your friend allows it in their house it’s OK? My dogs are like that – with feces. They’re not housebroken, they’re homebroken.
8. Cat turds out of the litter boxe are dee-lish. If I spot Shep coming upstairs and he looks like he fell asleep in a bowl of Grape Nuts – it’s straight to the laundry sink for a mouthwash like I’m a housewife in the 1950’s whose child just said “aw, gee whiz“.
9. Even if it’s 11:30 in the morning and the dogs aren’t due to eat for another 6.5 hours, yell “you wanna bone?” when they’re misbehaving or have run off – and they’ll drop everything and come back to you in a split second. They’re a lot like Kim Kardashian in that respect.
10. When they’re curled up beside you on the couch, all is forgiven.

If the vast majority of these points seem like they revolve around doodies, it’s because they do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guys and have made a commitment for life. I just wish there was a bit less “nauture” involved sometimes. I’ll live and it’s worth it. Just don’t call me Dr. Poolittle.

Arizona police were relieved to finally know where DMX’s dogs was at – Partially buried in his backyard. Cock.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhYNjdjLWMA[/youtube]

Not all of the 3 cats that live in my house are complete pricks. Janet’s cat, Mr. Bean, has been making a concerted effort to get along with the puppies. And I think he has succeeded. Look what I saw when I walked into my room today! I mean, besides the dead French Canadian prostitute.

It’s remotely possible that you have yet to grow tired of my puppy chatter. If that is the case then I think you’re really going to enjoy this video I recorded and spliced together last night from various clips of me walking Shepherd and Rhuby up to the top of Space mountain. That’s what I call our most treacherous driveway which has been the scene of many Dodge Chargers sliding off the road this winter. OK – the same Charger, many times. An aside: I love my car but I would have gone with a 4WD vehicle had I known what I was in for out here in the wilds.

The aforementioned road is losing its ‘bite’ as the snow melts, and now the only real headache it delivers is two muddy little puppies who enjoy long walks from start to finish. I decided to take them for a good run yesterday, as they were bouncing off the walls of my room as I worked and I thought a new video was also in order. They’ve grown quite a lot since the last one and I’m sure there’s at least a couple of curious parties out there still reading. Enjoy the muddy madness…

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_eVWh8a-tw[/youtube]

I absolutely hate to impose boring videos on my friends, family or readers so I always take the time to try to structure it a little bit and most importantly keep it short and funny. In the next 3.5 minutes you’ll hear music from Black Francis, Jerry Lee Lewis and Travis. You’ll see a funny dog burp, a frightened herd of deer and my two muddy buddies. There are even a couple of Steve Austin sound effects thrown in for good measure. Hope ya liked it and happy Thursday.

A business meeting in Ottawa yesterday brought me within 5 miles of Manotick – the town in which I spent the first 10 years of my life. I decided to take a detour and drive on through to check out how the town has changed, visit my old subdivision, etc. I hadn’t been back in about 20 years, so it was quite a mind-blowing experience and I took pictures and captioned them if anyone would like to peek into my past: Manotick Photos. The damnedest thing I saw had to be that the old jungle gym I used to play on in the park across from my house was still there. It’s a rickety old metal thing which predated our arrival to Island View Drive in 1974 – and not something that was anchored in any way which is why I was so shocked. If nothing else you’ll get an idea of the ridiculous amount of snow the winter of 2007/2008 has dumped on us.

“The power of Christ compels you.”

On to the weasels: Shepherd and Rhubarb are growing and learning fast, and they’ve fit in well amongst the cats and craziness. Their Grandparents, Gord and Bonnie, adore them and Mom keeps an eye on them during the day while Janet and I are hiding away in our rooms working. Janet is a very early riser so she takes the pups out when they start to squirm around 7am, I walk them down to the end of our road around lunchtime and then Janet likes to have them in the kitchen with her if she’s cooking dinner. Then it’s my turn again at night, and they’re usually chilling on the couch with me with the occasional trip outside until they hit their respective crates about 11pm. Rhuby is in Janet’s room and Shep is in mine. We’re a week into sleeping them in separate crates and rooms, and it’s been an easier adjustment than we expected. Here is a big batch of new pics: Puppy Photos.

And finally I’ve added some photos of our house and the surrounding area. You’ll shriek in horror as you see my driveway become a skating rink. There’s also a friendly snowman, a bearded neighbor and several other shots of the winter wonderland I’ve been living in up here. Enjoy: Portland Photos. All the pictures have individual captions written for them like I used to do in the old days, so don’t just glance at the thumbnails. I’m trying to make you giggle, here.

There are very few things JV isn’t an expert on. Just ask him if you don’t believe me. He left a great comment regarding my puppy training article that a lot of you won’t see unless you backtrack and sniff around, so I am going to repost it here as a main article. His advice is funny, blunt and accurate…

“Caesar (Dog Whisperer) is the man. Pretty simple message every show. A little common sense, a lot of exercise & dominance cures all. As a dude who goes to the city’s biggest yuppie dog park and watches many a disobedient dog/stupid handler I suggest 2 commands must be taught in order for you to not be an idiot yuppie dog owner:

1-COME, If your dog doesn’t come 100% of the time when you call it you’re an idiot. Shep should also respond to a whistle command to come or at least get a bearing on you. fastest way to train this command? Find a dog treat they luv and never give it to them – ever – unless they are properly executing the command. Dogs should only be rewarded with things they want (treats, effection) when they are doing what they’re supposed to. Only idiots give there young dogs rewards for being cute or soiling your home… at least during their prime training months.

2-NO, If you can’t get your dog to immediately stop whatever its doing, freeze in its tracks and look back at you waiting for the green light you’re an idiot.

I say “you’re an idiot” because the dog obviously only knows what you teach it and without these 2 commands hard wired there’s a good chance it will do something stupid i.e. somehow put itself in harms way… which is your fault. The next commands for non-idiot dog handlers are sit, down, stay, heel and lick the peanut butter off my…

If you can get your dog to walk beside or behind you and mirror your movements off-leash you will be a dog master. Nothing is more gratifying than having your dog listen to you because as you eventually marry and have kids the dog will eventually be the only one listening to you.”

Are you sick of hearing me talk about my wee pups yet? If so, I can hardly blame you. I swear I will stop as soon as I get about $500 in PetSmart gift cards in the mail. As that isn’t going to happen, you’ll have to humor me. I’ll keep it short.

There’s a couple of new galleries live if you’d like to look in on Winter in Portland or my most recent puppy pics. They are growing like weeds, picking up a good portion of what I’m trying to teach them, as I pick up good portions of doodie, and I cannot wait until it gets warmer so I can take them outside more frequently. Boston Terriers have such thin coats that I can only take them out once or twice a day for very short periods of time. That’s it for me this evening. Stay tuned for a quizzlet tomorrow and a healthy dose of home pup videos over the weekend.

Janet and I have never had a dog before. It’s not that we didn’t like them, it’s that my father vehemently hated canines so we became cat people by default. The first time I ever learned the word “shit” was probably due to the frequency with which Gord referred to my Grandmother’s dog, Buffy, as a “four-legged shit maker”. Our lack of a dog was never an issue for the younger Pyes. We had hamsters, gerbils, sea monkeys, hermit crabs, fish, guinea pigs and a whole herd of cats. A dog was not missed and I’ve discussed this at length before.

Our decision to get not one but two dogs was made rather quickly around a trailer park propane fire in the midst of a white wine fueled evening in Florida. I’ve never second-guessed the decision and I’m pretty sure my sister hasn’t either. We’ve both read multiple books in preparation and she will be taking over Rhuby-rearing duties from me when she moves up here, permanently, in two weeks. So if that cat wasn’t officially out of the bag in Boston – it is now. I love Rhuby as much as I love Shep. She’s clever, obedient and loveable. But I am looking forward to some one-on-one time with Shep because their training is definitely suffering for two reasons which are very clear to me.

It is extremely difficult to train two puppies at once. The moment you focus your attention on one animal over the other, the odd-dog-out immediately begins doing everything in its puppy power to get that attention back. This can include biting the haunches of the other dog as you’re attempting to work, crying loudly if separated and worrying the other dog so it becomes completely distracted, leaving a huge steaming poo pyramid that would make Imhotep jealous right next to where you’re crouched and attempting to focus, etc. And imagine trying to teach them their names if they are always together. It’s a literal shit show and I don’t want to fall behind.

It is extremely difficult to train puppies when it is 10 below. I had optimistically planned, since I work from home, to have Shep and Rhuby fully house trained by the second week. No such luck. They start shivering like methodone patients as soon as I open the door on the worst Canadian winter in 15 years. And as we live on a lake there is usually a huge gust blowing up the lawn that sounds like the Kraken approaching the house. I’ve gotten Shep to pee on the side deck, which I have cleared off and put puppy pads out on, a couple of times now but Rhuby wants none of it. I think if it were nice outside they’d be chomping at the bit to get out there as often as possible and the toilet training would be all but complete. I may invest in a couple of dog sweaters the next time I am in town.

It’s not all a nightmare – The pups are excelling in several areas. They have never woken me up at night. I think this is due to the fact that they are sleeping together in the same crate, although I have bought two and plan to switch them soon. They have never wet the crate during an overnight confinement. They are respectful of the cat and do not chase it around the way I feared they would. 90% of the pee and 75% of the poo released in the kitchen is done so on the approved puppy pads. They have learned “leave it” and can usually be corrected easily when biting something they shouldn’t be.

I have created a “No-No Can” which was a tip from both a book and my breeder. It’s a Chunky Soup can with the label boiled off, filled with my loose change collection and sealed up with duct tape. It’s noisy as an MF and upon shaking it the puppies immediately stop whatever naughtiness they are perpetuating. I don’t show them the can so they don’t associate the noise with me. “Me chew baby gate, me hear loud sound. Me no chew baby gate, sound go away”. It’s that simple and it works.

So that’s my life as a puppy care giver. I enjoy it but I’m definitely concerned about their training progress. Friday night I was in Best Buy and picked up season one of the Dog Whisperer. Amazing stuff. I certainly welcome all non-Cesar comments and advice too!