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Pop Culture Blog: Music, Movie and Humor

Pop Culture Blog: Music, Movie and Humor

Leveraging low-hanging synergies outside the vertical fruit box since 1999.

Musical

Wednesday Wadio: Urban Dance Squad Appreciation

by admin on February 14, 2008
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

“Mellow… That’s my styyyyyle“.

A friend and I were taking a long drive on Monday with my iPod a’ crankin’. I have an 80 gig model, and putting it on shuffle is like staring into the abyss. You might get Pixies, but then again you might get Jerky Boys. Luckily, we got “Routine” by Urban Dance Squad and a full fledged retro appreciation phase quickly emerged. I knew I had to give Rudeboy Remington and UDS some love on the Wadio this week and I’ve been spinning them a lot in the 3 days since.

Deeper Shade of Soul broke onto the soon to be named alt-rock scene in 1990 and the Dutch band quickly became a hit on half pipes everywhere. The record label’s marketing department immediately jumped all over this demographic as this video will attest – but it’s still a good clip for a great song. UDS was pioneering the mid-90’s rap/rock tragedy from far across the sea when Fred Durst was still getting beaten up in a high school parking lot somewhere.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw5Gl28Xe5o[/youtube]

“Fast Lane” and “No Kid” were the follow up singles from Mental Floss for the Globe, and soon after they released Life ‘n’ Perspectives Of A Genuine Crossover which is my favorite. Solid full length albums are a rare thing, and this record is packed with gems like “Routine”, “For the Plasters”, “Careless” and others. This record didn’t do nearly as well, due in large to their choice of a first single “Bureaucrat Of Flaccostreet”. It’s a very cool tune with some (at the time) revolutionary inclusion of East Indian instruments a’ la George Harrison, but many of the others would have been much easier for the general public to digest. It was also released only a few months after Mental Floss, which was originally recorded in 1989, so that probably caused some confusion and flooding. If you like UDS, and have never heard this record, drop everything and get your hands on a copy.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uw5WoMWU_QQ[/youtube]

The band performed at the 2006 editions of the Dutch Lowlands festival and Pukkelpop in Belgium, as well as at the Antwerp music club Petrol. According to what I’ve found it is unlikely that this will lead to a permanent reunion or a new studio album, as these performances were only to support their compilation album Urban Dance Squad: The Singles Collection in 2006. I’m encouraging you to dig in the crates a little bit today, kids. UDS was a great moment in time and a very rare example of, um, Holland having a huge influence on American popular culture. I am quite sure, at one point or another, you too did it all for the nookie.

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Wednesday Wadio: Stan Rogers’ ‘Barrett’s Privateers’

by admin on January 23, 2008
in Canadiana, Musical, Wednesday Wadio

“God damn them all! I was told, we’d cruise the seas for American goldstan-rogers
We’d fire no guns! Shed no tears!
But I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett’s Privateers
”

– Stan Rogers’ Barrett’s Privateers

Jonothan Richman came to Guelph in 1994 and I went to see him at the almighty Albion hotel for what ended up being one of my favorite concerts of all time. The chap who opened up for him, and I wish I could remember his name, did a jaw-dropping acapella version of Stan Roger’s Barrett’s Privateers that will stay with me forever. This incredible song grabbed me by the short and curlies right away, and after hearing it in the car the other day on one of my Dad’s CDs I knew I had to write about it. Every version of this song is acapella, actually, as that is how Rogers intended it, and here is a very grainy video of him singing it around a kitchen table from a documentary entitled One Warm Line which you can watch in its entirety by clicking the link.

Rogers was killed in an airliner fire on June 2, 1983 when he was exactly my age, 34 years young. There are unsubstantiated claims that he made it off of the Air Canada flight on the ground in Cincinnati but succumbed to smoke inhalation after going back in to rescue other passengers. Like that story, Rogers’ music immediately gets under your skin and if you’re Canadian the subject matter – primarily ye olde maritime sailing culture based – is uniquely of this country and stands to provide a wonderful history lesson. I had no idea, for example, that there was such a thing as a Canadian pirate which is a loose way to describe Privateers. But I’m not going to regurgitate everything I’ve just read. You won’t find a better explication of the song and the history behind it than Dan Conlin’s:

“There was no Elcid Barrett. There was no Antelope sloop and there wasn’t even a town of Sherbrooke in the year of 1778. Stan Rogers basically made up an imaginary privateer to carry a 60s anti-war theme in a traditional folk setting. Having said all that, many of the details, ranging from the type of cannons mentioned to the letter of marque reference, are very authentic.”

Back in the golden years of sailing, once you were on a ship you were on a ship, and as part of the crew you were doomed to follow orders and obey regardless of how you felt about missions that were called on the go – lest you walked the plank or spent the rest of the long voyage eating rats in the hold. And many ‘conscripts’ were downright lied to about their intended purpose. Barrett’s Privateers tells the story of a naive young Nova Scotian who boarded a ship under the promise they would fly under a legal English charter (letter of marque) and inconvenience the burgeoning American navy by by stealing cargo. But Barrett had other ideas, and the song goes on to describe the mental anguish felt by the ‘broken’ protagonist when he finally makes it back to his Halifax pier.

The song is available for purchase on Amazon, and I encourage anyone who owns an album by the Decemberists to check out the late, great Stan Rogers in greater detail. There is also a Facebook petition devoted to getting Stan a star on the Canadian walk of fame and it’s good to see I’m not the only “younger” Canuck spreading the word about this great musician and his ongoing influence.

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Wednesday Wadio: Wilco’s ‘California Stars’

by admin on January 2, 2008
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

Not surprisingly my podunk internet has been down for 4 days, so pardon my absence and Happy new Year to you all. I am digging out from a massive backlog of work, so brevity will be my friend today on Wadio. King of California is a solid movie I watched New Years Eve with my cat whilst drinking green tea starring Michael Douglas as a bi-polar mental patient who is released perhaps a little too soon. He moves back in with his teenage daughter and begins looking for a buried treasure he discovered the clues to whilst reading a Spanish missionary’s journal in the hospital library. The movie is about their relationship and its many strains more so than a National Treasure-type booty hunt, and Douglas’ ‘Charlie’ is a sad character that you will want desperately to believe. But does the treasure actually exist, or is this another mental episode? The DVD will be out in a few months.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcMsB3mYPMs[/youtube]

As the closing credits began to roll, and I sat laughing at the film’s one final twist involving “naked Chinamen” as Charlie likes to call them, a wonderful song I’d never heard before began to play and I looked it up this morning as soon as my web access corrected itself. It’s a little-known B-side by Wilco entitled “California Stars” and has already been added to my desktop’s “songs I want to learn to play on the guitar” text file of chords. Here is a live version from a few years ago, and I hope you enjoy it.

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Happy Birthday, Chairman

by admin on December 12, 2007
in Musical

“You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough.”

Although I’ve always been tickled that I share a birthday with Larry Bird, Tom Waits and Aaron Carter simply being born under the same astrological sign as Frank Sinatra is among my greatest joys in life. Francis Albert Sinatra was born 92 years ago today in Hoboken, New Jersey, and the world would never be quite the same. We’ll consider this today’s Wednesday Wadio Part Deux. After a long review, this was the most personally enjoyable (and seasonal) Frank clip that I came across. Enjoy – and tip a glass of Jack Daniels with 3 cubes of ice towards the heavens tonight.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E19PzsLRMNY[/youtube]

“I’m gonna live till I die.”

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Wednesday Wadio: Morrissey’s ‘Jack the Ripper’

by admin on December 12, 2007
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

I felt is was high time to devote some wadio writing to the almighty Moz who has been keeping me in excellent music since I first discovered the Smiths while listening to Chris Shepherd’s old Saturday night radio show on CFNY in 1987. Sadly, I started listening to the seminal Manchester band only a year before their demise, and as such never got to see them live, but Morrissey went on to put out an amazing solo catalog – and at 48 years of age there is no end in site. I saw him solo at Great Woods during the Kill Uncle tour in 1990, and caught his Smiths’ co-writer Johnny Marr play with The The at the Orpheum in 1991 – it was the best I could do as a postmortem and not a shabby accomplishment as both shows were phenomenal. I’ll have to give Matt Johnson similar attention here soon.

Due to the depth of his solo work it was a hard choice to choose one song to focus on and the final decision came down to what had a good showing on YouTube. I originally wanted to cover “The Loop” which is a noteworthy B-side that he plays regularly in concert, but the cell phone snippets I found certainly wouldn’t win over any new fans from my readership. I tried my luck with “Why Don’t You Find Out for Yourself” but had a similar problem. It would have been easy enough to use one of his many proper music videos I suppose, but none of the singles are personal favorites. Except maybe this one. I eventually found a decent live capture of “Jack the Ripper” from a recent L.A. show and we’re gonna run with it.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrCfciQ2H8E[/youtube]

I first heard this song on the World of Morrissey CD which was a mix of mid-nineties singles and B-sides. It got hours of playtime during my residence in Mills Hall and it instantly reminded me of those days the moment I heard it today. Due to the title, it’s not very hard to explicate the lyrics. The protagonist seems to be Jack the Ripper himself, and he seems to feel sorry for the women of the night he encounters. Until he vivisects them, of course.

Oh, you look so tired… Mouth slack and wide.
Ill-housed and ill-advised.
Your face is as mean as your life has been.

Jack goes on to tell the prostitute in question that he wants her… and is definitely gonna get her. Unfortunately for the 18 (+/-) actual Whitechapel murder victims of 1888, Jack wasn’t just talking about getting his German helmet waxed. But let’s not let that get in the way of enjoying this soaring tune and it’s almost funky rhythm. It’s definitely a dark ditty, but it still manages to be quite catchy in spite of the subject matter. If you’re not familiar with Morrissey this is less than the tip of the iceberg, and if you are JTR is a gem you’ve likely overlooked thus far.

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Wednesday Wadio: Radiohead’s “Nude”

by admin on October 11, 2007
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

In a word, wow. I was so, so ready for a new Radiohead album. It’s been at least 3 years since the last one which I could never really get into. Upon first listen of In Rainbows at 2 o’clock this morning, however, I knew I was in the room with something very special. If you haven’t already heard, read this article about how the band has made the album available only as a download, and that they ask fans to pay them what they think it is worth. You can enter in $20, $10 – I know one cheeky bastard who entered $0 – and then you’re taken to the download page. Nobody knew they were even recording a new album, let alone releasing it in such an innovative and original way until just a few days ago. Amazing story.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbXrdOwDlGc[/youtube]

“Nude” was the first song I heard off the new album a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve included a live version of incredible quality in this post. I use the word “spooky” quite a bit in my Wadio posts, and this one is going to be no exception. Maybe I just dig spooky music. It begins with a spooky baseline and rimshot combination as Thom Yorke’s eerie, distant vocals creep in and a guitar starts to pick away in time. It grabbed me from the first 10 seconds I heard it and has so many subtle and sophisticated chord changes that it’s not going to get old anytime soon. By the time the second guitar comes in and starts playing chords the volume has increased significantly and I’ll be goddamned if you’re not seriously digging it. Have a look and a listen:

After a day of spins, we can say this is the record we wanted them to make – or at least, it’s the middle-of-the-record we wanted them to make; everything from “Nude” through “Reckoner” is warm, organic, and instant classic. Less paranoid – or focused on paranoia – than recent past. – StereoGum

Friend and PITF denizen, Taz, sent me an excited email from Munich after I wrote to him last night to find out what he thought. Always one for a creative and thoughtful response, he did not disappoint:

“Loving ‘In Rainbows’… basically a masterpiece… simply not one bum note… 3 years in the making… and the perfection shows… to be honest on first listen to the splintery fractured guitar-fueled plaintive Yorke vocal hysteria at the end of ‘Bodysnatchers’ I knew I was in for something special… Hail to the Download Thieves! A magnificent addition to the rock pantheon.”

If you’d like the MP3 for the song, Nude, if my remote woodland satellite internet connection ever stabilizes I am going to offer it here for download for a few days as I want to get the word out and spread a little love. And because the album version gets me so excited that I want to stuff a large, slimy piece of salted pork down the front of my camoflage shorts. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? Soak it all in and if you want the entire record you can pay for it – whatever amount you want – and then download it from the In Rainbows website. Music website StereoGum has a very active thread where fans are sounding off in large about what they think of the album. Yes, I was so ready for this.

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Wednesday Wadio: Magnetic Fields “Love is Like a Bottle of Gin”

by admin on October 3, 2007
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

69 Love Songs

“It makes you blind, it does you in
It makes you think you’re pretty tough
It makes you prone to crime and sin
It makes you say things off the cuff”

The Magnetic Fields are definitely in my top 10 list of all time favorite bands, and considering my fanatical obsession with music – that’s no small feat. I’m sure Stephen Merritt is reading this right now and crossing himself in relief. It’s hard to encapsulate the Fields, or any of Merritt’s many incarnations for that matter, in one song – so I decided not to try. Love is Like a Bottle of Gin is a favorite of mine, but due to it’s slow tempo and short length a record company executive would definitely never choose it as the first track to play the uninitiated. Luckily I don’t think the Magnetic Fields have ever made a proper music video, so I was happy to settle for this fan-made clip that sets the gloomy and brilliant tune to scenes from the Britcom Black Books. I’m not entirely sure why, but beggars…

“It’s very small and made of glass
and grossly over-advertised
It turns a genius into an ass
and makes a fool think he is wise”

The man behind the Fields and several other bands (the Gothic Archies, the 6ths, etc.) is an absolute musical genius. In addition to his prolific output under multiple band names, he has also scored all of the massively popular Lemony Snicket audio books and movies, released the astounding 69 Love Songs (from which this song is taken) a 3 CD collection of tunes he and the Fields-of-the-moment wrote and recorded in one studio session back in 1999 and is as revered in the deep alternative scene as you can get. I’ll provide some links towards the end of the post where you can branch out and learn more for yourselves, and I sincerely hope you do. You may remember the incredibly catchy song from the Southern Comfort ads of a few years ago. The old folks dance around to it, assumably while getting cocked on the only adult libation which still makes me gag due to one particular night of early-teens indiscretion. Strange Powers is as good a place to start as any and I might have featured it had it been up on YouTube.

“It could make you regret your birth
or turn cartwheels in your best suit
It costs a lot more than it’s worth
and yet there is no substitute”

LILABOG, however, is an incredible song in its own right. From the unique time signature, to the distorted and spooky guitar sound to the lyrics’ uncanny ability to draw parallels between how love can make you act just as stupid as downing too much strong, cheap liquor. I think learning these words should be part of gym class or sex ed in high school as it covers a lot of important bases simultaneously. Namely – stay away from both entities until you are much, much more cynical and jaded.

69 Love Songs

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Wednesday Wadio: Frank Black “Threshold Apprehension”

by admin on September 13, 2007
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

“…this excellent little 7″ is just about the best thing Frank Black has released in the last decade.” www.boomkat.com

All the Threshold Apprehension reviews I read this morning, while mulling what I myself would throw down, said that the song is a “return to form” and very reminiscent of Frank’s work with the Pixies. Yes, he recorded his latest album under the moniker Black Francis as opposed to Frank Black. And yes, he utilizes his amazing screaming capabilities at a level not seen since Bailey’s Walk. Is this Charles Thompson’s version of a mid-life crisis, perhaps? He is 41 this year. Is dusting off the old nom de plume and wailing like a banshee akin to pulling into the driveway in a 2007 Mustang when the wife thinks you’ve been saving for a mini-van?

Threshold Apprehension, although released as a single, doesn’t have a traditional video to accompany it. I’ve posted a crazy live version below, and you should also check out this fan-made accompaniment if you want to hear what the studio version sounds like. I’d recommend that so you can share my sheer joy 57 seconds into the song when the single strum becomes a double and the tune all of a sudden makes me want to punch my accelerator. The part where he describes drinking Grand Marnier, snortin’ speed and then “doing 185 on the new Ring Road” doesn’t help either.

If you combine 80’s-era Pixies, 2004-era Pixies and Frank’s solo touring between 1993 and the present I have seen the man in concert 14 times – and I’ve never seen him put down his guitar except to pick up another one. I’m not sure what got into him at the performance above earlier this year in Toulouse, but I likey. Recently I decided to make a Frank Black “best of” playlist for my iTunes and as it sprawled to over 30 songs (he has released no less than 13 solo albums since the Pixies’ demise in 1992 – two of them doubles) I realized how much joy this unique and prolific songwriter has brought to my stereos over the course of my life so far. Actually, take a prolific songwriter and feed them bathtub meth through an IV for half a day, hook them up to a solar power generator and then maybe you’ve got something better resembling Frank.

Bluefinger, not to be confused with a Daniel Craig-era James Bond villain (hat tip to FrankBlack.net) was inspired as a whole by an obscure Dutch artist with whom Charles apparently feels quite an affinity. It’s his latest thematic focus in a long line of space aliens, cowboys, science fiction writers and fellow musicians and I just have to say – whatever works. Well done yet again, Mr. Thompson. Now get back on the treadmill so you can continue trying to impress the babysitter next time you drive her home in the ‘Stang.

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Veekend Video: Some Guys Have It

by admin on September 8, 2007
in Musical, Veekend Video

As I’ve taken to making and editing videos since the purchase of my sick new camera, I thought a new category might be in order. Veekend Video will appear once a week on Saturday or Sunday and feature something original every time. In addition to the newer material I’ve been having fun with, I have also been ripping and digitizing all of my own home movies circa 1994 – 2000. After that, my analog camera broke and I lost interest. So basically – be very afraid if you hazily remember me wandering around a keg party with a cam 13 years ago. And, as it’s me we’re talking about here, you probably do.

This first installment, entitled “Some Guys Have It”, is a road trip my friend Nick and I took from Guelph to see my sister in Kingston in 1996. I edited it down mercilessly, as I promise never to submit you to long, boring private jokes. I have also added a Wordpress plugin that lets you see the videos length (above the player window) before you start watching it – as it’s been my experience people are more likely to commit if they know it isn’t going to take 10 minutes to watch and another 30 to load. Another facet of the VVs will be that they’re at least sorta-potentially funny for everyone. In this case, Nick and I were so amped up to hit on my sister’s roomates and so certain that we’d “pull” the end results were… you’ll see. Nick’s line at the end makes me laugh to this day (even though I blatantly fed it to him):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HywhgMdfq4

I especially like this video because it’s a great little time capsule. You can hear STP and Underworld on Nick’s car stereo. I have to use a pay phone to call my sister and find her house. And wait until you see her frigging hair. Also, watch for the quick pan across Janet’s roomates sitting on the couch after we reach our destination. I don’t remember her name, but one of them is the spitting image of Marilu Henner, and I always enjoyed drooling over her during our short visits. In retrospect, probably why the visits were so short. “Yeah, so you guys should probably get driving.” Ah, hindsight.

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Don’t Look Back in Anger

by admin on September 6, 2007
in Musical

Back in the summer of 2004 a few of us hit the Perth Garlic Festival with a vengance – follow the link for the write up. In addition to the garlic pies, garlic ice cream and garlic spermicide there was also a caricature artist whom I was quickly convinced to approach for a doodle. She whispered to my sister (I found out later) “What does your brother like?” To which Janet responded, “Beer and trashy women.” Wicked. Anyway, I came across the resulting work of art over the weekend and couldn’t help but be astonished by it’s near perfect resemblance to Noel Gallagher. Maybe he was “Largin’ it!” with a few tasty cloves over my shoulder and the artist got confused. And maybe we’ll just never know.

Noel Gallagher and Dave Pye

I so want to make a Garlic Supernova or You and I We’re Gonna Eat Garlic Forever joke right now, but I have to take my father into town. Feel free to have at it – the new comment system is a lot easier to use than the Blogger one was. Remember the days when every post I’d write would end up with 10 comments? I do. They were wonderful times, and it’s going to be a long crawl back to that level. Possibly straight up a Garlicwall.

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Wednesday Wadio: Happy Mondays “Jellybean”

by admin on September 5, 2007
in Musical, Wednesday Wadio

“It goes without saying that the only people who should be allowed to purchase Unkle Dysfunctional are those (like this writer) who own one copy of Pills n’ Thrills n’ Bellyaches for each room of their apartment.” – CokeMachineGlow.com

For the uninitiated, the Happy Mondays were one of the central bands of the late 80’s “Madchester” movement which also included Stone Roses, Inspiral Carpets, James and the Charlatans. The focal point of the ‘scene’ was the legendary Haçienda club, the colored history of which is available in excruciating detail on any number of sites. To the initiated, if you were already aware that the first Happy Mondays album in 14 years was released earlier this summer, you may well be wondering how it is, how Sean sounds and what it’s all about? As a lifelong fan of the group, who even got to see them in 1990 as a 16-year-old in Boston, I’ve listened to the album a big bunch of times and am here to lay it on you. I have thought of this at long length and can sum up my review in one sentence:

It’s better than I expected, but tragic due to the large number of good ideas hastily thrown together and wasted.

I haven’t bothered to look up the producer, but with more time spent and a different set of fingers twiddling the knobs, the mostly mediocre material could have easily comprised a legendary comeback of biblical proportions. And Sean Ryder was set for it – his cameo on the Gorillaz “Dare” last year made for the best song on an album of very good songs. His cohort Bez recently came back into the limelight after winning Celebrity Big Brother 5 and 50 thousand pounds along with it. Before I talk about the album’s highlight, let me first expound upon the tragedies – I owe it to my 16-year-old self.

Songs with great musical production have god-awful, chanty lyrics. I am thinking particularly of “Deviant” and “Cuntry Disco”. The music in Deviant is funky and wonderful, and I rap along to the chorus with delight every single time I hear it. But the verses, Sean mindlessly rhyming one word throughout – “She grabs it and stabs it and flabs it and…” make me feel like I’m playing some kind of drinking game. And losing. Deviants could have been an amazing song if someone had put the brakes on and said “Right… we’re on the verge here, but the versus sound worse than a Yoko Ono solo album being played backwards through a bullhorn.” Why, oh why, didn’t somebody say that! Give me a day alone with the masters and an unlicensed copy of Pro Tools and I’ll save the world.

The best tune on the record is without a doubt “Jellybean”, and it’s beyond cruel that it’s also the first. I remember driving around Burlington, singing the uber-catchy chorus after I’d heard it just once and wondering if I wasn’t about to experience something amazing – a solid Mondays album nearly 15 years after their last one sank an entire record label. But it “were all downhill from ‘ere” as they’d say in Manchester.

There’s no video as far as I could locate, but I found a decent clip of them performing it in Middlesbrough, England on May 26th of this year. I suppose even just one above average song on an album as unlikely as Unkle Dysfunctional is a pretty good average – so I’m featuring it on Wadio today and that makes me happy. A year ago I’d have bet a lot of money against it. Ecstasy money.

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Coming Clean With A Guilty Pleasure.

by admin on June 6, 2007
in Musical

Happiness for me today is my first listen of the new Queens of the Stone Age record a week before it’s released. Lovely, rocking stuff. I also snagged the upcoming Beastie Boys instrument album, The Mix Up. I wish they had vocals, and also weren’t flaming embarrassing bleeding-hearts, but it is a nice platter to play in the background while you work.

https://www.youtube.com/v/CcXCaXz0GbU”

Catch me tomorrow when I’m listening to them both in the front seat of the soon-to-be-christened HMS PYE, and am most certainly not wearing trousers.

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What Year Is It?

by admin on March 1, 2007
in Musical

Nate just emailed me with an excellent question. The subject line was “What year is it?” and the body read: Just saw this headline: Matt Dillon Directs Dinosaur Jr Video. But 90s nostalgia is all around us. Here are a few examples off the top of my head:

– The Pixies just had a hugely successful reunion tour which lasted 2 years and isn’t over yet. They play 3 dates in Australia this Spring.
– The Happy Mondays are playing Coachella this summer. As are Rage Against the Machine, Crowded House and The Jesus and Mary Chain.
– The Smashing Pumpkins are working on a new album.
– I am going to see The Pogues in a week.

If you want to know why I wholly embrace 90s musical nostalgia, just turn on your radio for a few minutes and check out some hot, hot James Blunt. Maybe dig yourself a little Fallout Boy. Fuck me, it’s grim out there.

{ 4 Comments }

Why, Britney. Why?

by admin on February 20, 2007
in Musical

We all saw the clips over the weekend. Britney is bald. At first glanceI thought… well, I’m not sure what I thought. It was such a shocking visage that a flurry of possible causes swirled through my confused head:

– Federline’s remaining crotch goblins spread to her head, forcing a flame-thrower delousing.
– She started smoking her hair in rehab, and found the long, straight ones took longer to cash than the short and curlys.
– Her passing-out episodes became so frequent that waking up with gum matted in her hair finally ruined her glossy locks.
– Her passing-out episodes became so frequent that waking up with male DNA in her hair ruined her glossy locks.
– Timberlake told her he was more likely to date Telly Savalas than get involved with her again.
– Desperate for a hit, she has begun masterminding the Right Said Fred reunion tour.
– It’s not easy jumping genres from Crossroads to American History X Part 2, but it will do wonders for her street cred.

Miss Spears is definitely having an identity crisis. Or experiencing severe regret at having reproduced with a talentless wannabe. Or perhaps remorse at flushing away the most lucrative pop career and massive cross-popularity in human history. Or maybe… Jesus – it’s a wonder she didn’t start drinking and get her head shaved months ago. Anna Nicole, save her a seat.

{ 4 Comments }

Papa’s Got A Brand New Body.

by admin on December 25, 2006
in Musical

Godspeed, Godfather.

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