When the Pork Ass Challenge sputtered out, only a week before it was due to end on July 4th, I’d lost a reasonably exciting 10 pounds. In the meantime, I’ve packed 7 back on, and am currently having a fat day. Meaning my pants feel tight and I spent a good chunk of the morning crying whilst being coaxed out of a bathroom stall.

I have some social engagements over the next couple months, at which I’d like to appear a heck of a lot more svelt than I do now. My thoughts again turn to healthy ways to get that little bulge down. No, the other little bulge. I conquered the first one a long time ago when I taught myself to picture Jessica Tandy in that scene from Batteries Not Included where she’s bending over the little cheeseburger robot naked and covered in olive oil. Works better than thinking about baseball.

So I’m standing in the Au Bon Pain, staring at the yogurt, fruit cups, salads etc – and I realize I think I’d rather frigging starve myself. I honestly think it would be easier for me just to not eat, or subsist solely on shakes of some sort, than get through a bunch of watermelon or a rice cake. DVS and I hit the Sports Grille Friday night for some wing dings, buffalo tasties and my beloved poppers. It was heavenly. I look at a pineapple slice and I’d rather lick the razor I was threatening to slash myself with back in said bathroom stall.

So what’s the solution? Exercise obviously. It’s a simple equation – eat less, burn more, lose weight. But I can’t help but wonder, and I’ll be Googling this in a minute – is there, or has there ever been, a mayonnaise diet? That’d work for me.