1. You know how your dog or cat tends to do OK comfort-wise no matter how cold it gets in the winter? The same is not true when it’s 105 degrees in Boston. Make sure you leave all the windows closed when you go to work, and switch off the AC to battle those ridiculous Keyspan bills. When you get home, your pet of choice will be crying and crawling around really drunkenly with its tongue out. It looks like they’re doing a Tara Reid impersonation. Hey everybody – my spaniel is Tara Reid! It never gets old. Coincidentally, neither do any of my pets.

2. Sneak down to the Charles under cover of darkness and fill the wheel wells of one of the Duck Boats with pureed turkey, tuna and raw chicken breasts. By about 10am the smell in those WW2 kilhns should be so bad that even the stray cats and German tourists are gagging.

3. Feed the homeless. They’re out in filthy droves, and you’re a sensitive college student, so spend a night of beer money on sustinence for our more unfortunate citizens for a change. I recommend porridge, french onion soup, raw habanero peppers and salt licks.

4. Take advantage of the local swimming holes. The swan boats only come around every 10 minutes or so, and unlike the Duck Boats they’ve never been equipped with 50 caliber machine guns (to the best of my knowledge). So pop in for a dip when the coast is clear – but wear sandles as the bottom of the pond is very rocky. At least, that’s what I heard from a guy that I know for a fact dumps syringes in there.

Pet supplies, quality assurance products, calling cards, blinds, air purifiers, room nights, sox tickets, snowboards, coffee machines, insulin pumps – I try and help my clients sell it all. So why then don’t I spend more time using these skills chipping away at the bane of my existence – renting rooms and apartments in the North End?

It’s simple, really. As I’ve said before – If I could go back and start this blog again I would have made sure of 2 things: 1) I would have built it using Wordpress. 2) I would have kept it anonymous. But since my neck is already exposed let’s talk about what I have coming up in September – even if it is only in the interests of generating an incoming link (crucial to SEO my friends,) to my building-specific site. If you’re looking for a boston north end apartment, prick up your ears, prick.

– 1 Bedroom, 2 floor apartment with a great kitchen and lots of room. $1400+ a month. Ideal for a couple, or just a really fat bloke.

– 3 Bedroom apartment right next to roofdeck I’ll throw you off of if you make too much noise after 10pm. $2400+ a month. Form a line to the left.

– And the grand prize – 1 bedroom in my 3 bedroom apartment. $780 +. Dear old Nate has been transfered to NYC, and Tommy and I need a new third. We also need a new roomate (rimshot). All the apartments have access to the roofdeck and there’s a washer/dryer in the building.

For all the moaning I do about my building, there’s a reason I’ve lived there for almost 7 years. I’m single, broke, obsessive-compulsive, have a cat, smell funny, have made a disgusting nest out of an old mattress/saliva and have buried a staggering amount of prostitutes in the earthen cellar. But besides that, I love it. AND we’re about to get a brand new roofdeck installed in the coming weeks. Just putting it out there. You never know. Email me if you’re homeless, soon-to-be homeless and do not smell like pee.