Google Earth is a heck of a thing, isn’t it? If you’re scratching your head like there’s a wood tick buried in your scalp, take 5 minutes out to download the application and do amazinglish things such as:

– “Fly from space to your neighborhood. Type in an address and zoom right in.” Think of the potential for peeping here. In another 5 years you’ll be able to see right into someone’s bedroom and see them waving back at you. Albeit handcuffed to a bedpost.
– “Search for schools, parks, restaurants, and hotels. Get driving directions.” Sexual predators will not only be able to cruise high school playgrounds from the comfort of their own DNA splattered PCs, but can then figure out the straightest line between their dilapidated hovel and your loved ones.
– “Tilt and rotate the view to see 3D terrain and buildings.” Luckily, if your underage neighbor slams down one of her blinds on you in disgust, you’ll be able to sneak around to alternate windows with just a few simple clicks.
– “Save and share your searches and favorites. Even add your own annotations.” Cheerleader Tryouts. JV wrestling practice. That girl who works at Dairy Queen’s bathroom window. The possibilities are only as limited as your perversions.

I am of course kidding, people. Because there’s no substitute for a sturdy ladder and a pair of Nikon binoculars. But back to the original purpose of this article – I found a great ‘hack’ site that will save you a ton of time and lead you straight to many current and historically interesting Google Earth images. Current ones include the London Blast locations, The Great Wall of China, the Tour de France route, crop circles, Dick Cheney’s house, etc. I think googleearthhacks.com is poised to become a very popular and fun site, so have yourself a wee lookie looksee.

Then take your protein pills and put your helmets on.

– You’re not offended by the term “HOMO MILK”.
– You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.”
– You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
– You drink pop, not soda.
– You know that a Mickey and 2-4’s mean, “party at the camp, eh!!!”
– You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
– You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
– You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
– You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
– You know that the last letter of the alphabet is pronounced “Zed”.
– Your newspaper covers news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
– You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.
– You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”.
– You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.
– You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
– Your beer case handles Are big enough To fit your mittens.
– Every murder is reported.
– You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.

This time last week I was ripping around the Big Rideau on a jetski with one of my best friends – chasing boats so we could jump off their wakes. I still have a bad case of ‘watercraft-back’ but it was the most fun I’ve had in ages. Today, I’m back cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, getting a head start on the work week via some pre-emptive client emails and generally pining for the Canadian countryside.

This September, I’ll have lived in the North End for 6 years. I love it here, and I don’t think I’d do as well in any other neighborhood, but I think the charm of city-living is wearing thin. There are few elements of my job that I couldn’t do on a wireless connection from the end of the dock at my family’s house in Portland, Ontario. But I’m required to live in one of only about 5 North American cities where I can do what I do – and they all involve paying small fortunes to live in smaller shoeboxes. I feel like a veal, and I want to appeal.

If I won the lottery, I’d buy an island or every house in my parent’s secluded summer neighborhood. Then I’d move all of my closest friends in and we’d start a commune of some sort. Maybe commune is a bad word – It conjures up images of Waco, Jonestown and Heaven’s Gate. I’m not suggesting anything crazy like a secret settlement that worships me as a prophet. And besides, everyone knows that cyanide is ingested a lot quicker when mixed into Pabst Blue Ribbon as opposed to purple KoolAid. It’s the carbonation, you see. You know, maybe this could work. I’m off to get a $2 scratch ticket. Update: I won $10. Baby steps.