Pop Culture Blog: Music, Movie and Humor

Leveraging low-hanging synergies outside the vertical fruit box since 1999.

DNC Is Coming To Town: Reporting For Duty.


in

I don’t know who Kerry Edwards is. But I bet she’s wicked hot.

Johnny’s speech kicked ass. I’ll admit it. But the Saudi Royal Family reference ruined it for me – totally. You had me… and then you lost me.

Keep Mike Moore’s paper-thin horseshit on the sidelines if you want to stay in the running.

I watched it word for word from the bar at the Wyndham hotel. But I’m still confused about one point: Did John Kerry serve in Vietnam? Cause I’m still unclear. No really. Was he in that particular war – because I don’t think that was ever made abundantly clear at any point tonight. Southeast Asia, right?

“My name is John Kerry, and I’m reporting for duty.”

JESUS.

I sat next to a Georgia senator, a democratic party psychiatrist, and even clinked glasses with a nice woman who had actually gone on a date earlier that evening with Colin McNickle. You remember him – Teresa so eloquently told him to “shove it” a few days ago. I asked her if he’d gotten over it. She went to smoke a cigarette and never returned. Some dates go well. Some dates don’t. Most women find me repulsive.

“Bottom line – As long as none of the speeches tonight contain references to drowning hamsters, we should be alright.”

{ 5 Comments }

DNC Is Coming To Town: Freedom Trail Follies.


in

We’re into day four now, and the city of Boston awaits Kerry’s acceptance speech tonight with great eagerness and several effigerial burnings. The Democratic party is abuzz on the city’s crowded streets, waiting to crown their mighty war hero and great leader. It’s no picnic. It’s like ants on a discarded celery stick full of Cheez Whiz after the picnic. Forget I mentioned a picnic.

I made it in to the office finally, after having to traverse yet another Falun Gong protest, several “Friends of Hillary” campaigners who met with an expletive from yours truly when they attempted to block my path – and just general pedestrian congestion. Picture Pamploana’s Running of the Bulls held in the North End. Picture a romantic stroll through Calcutta.

I felt a need to mete out a degree of retribution during my mosey, and had my opportunity when stopped for directions near the Bell in Hand. “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me how to get to the Fleet Center please?” The inquisitor had so many press passes and credentials around his neck, I thought I was talking to Flava Flav for a second. Flav would have been a great commentator for MTV now that I think of it. A much better choice than Wonkette, anyway. They could have called the segment “Cold Lampin’ at the DNC” or something. Where was I?

Giving directions. “It’s at the end of the Freedom Trail. Just follow the red line on the pavement over that way.” at which point I pointed towards the North End. For those unfamiliar, you can get to the Fleet Center quite quickly from that area by walking in the opposite direction. I made a funny. Alright, so I was a dick. But I think everyone who visits Boston should get to visit the North End, even if it’s because they were given maliciously bad directions.

“Sorry I’m late. I got a little lost. I didn’t realize the Fleet Center was part of the Freedom Trail. Yeah, some 2nd round draft pick named Paul Revere hit a buzzer-beater there in 1776 to beat the Washington Redcoats in overtime. And apparently they all wore cornrows back then. I did not know that. Yeah, I met this really helpful local.”

{ 3 Comments }

Herb Gets A Woody (Harrelson).


in Movies

While Woody Harrelson can usually be found throwing rocks at police, when they’re protecting him on a film set he’s all smiles. That’s my buddy Herb on the right in between takes of Woody’s upcoming movie  The Prizewinner of Defiance Ohio.

Julianne Moore and Laura Dern are also in the flick, so I know Herb will be guarding them closely. Perhaps uncomfortably so. Perhaps it will even begin to border on ‘creepy’.

“Officer Drummond? That’s Ms. Moore’s trailer’s air vent you’re peeking into. The catering tent is over here. No don’t apologize – It happens all the time.”

{ 4 Comments }

Exclusive: Bob Saget Cock Block Blocked.


in Heartwarming

A Canadian friend of mine has recently been touring the USA for work. I hear from him every few days when he sends me a funny picture, story or both. I thought the snap of him and Beyonce was cool, as was the one he got with Nikki Hilton. But I gotta tell you, I just didn’t see the Saget saga coming.

Trying to date strippers whilst in your 20’s in Canada is a right of passage and, conveniently – they’re absolutely everywhere. You bounce, you DJ, you bartend, you paint the town red four nights a week, you’re bound to run into enough of them to stock three rap videos. We call the profession “Canadian Ballet”, afterall. But the older we get, the further removed we are from that wonderful fishbowl that is young adulthood. And it’s extremely painful.

So imagine Gazza’s pleasant surprise when while doing the business thing in Atlanta, he winds up with a gorgeous peeler on his arm after a night at the bar. There was, of course, an after-party and among the guests was former America’s Filthiest Home Videos host – Mr. Bob Saget. Gazza had been fighting off potential cooze-confiscators all night long, but feared he’d met his match when Bob got his Full House hooks into ‘Bambi’.

Now Bob ain’t bankin’ billions like former co-stars Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but he didn’t let that stifle his game. Bob was ready for the after-after party, and our hero must have been a little worried. He won’t admit it, but Gazza had to have felt some relief when the object of his affection made it perfectly clear he was the one she’d be inviting home for a private rendition of Swan Lake.

{ 4 Comments }

DNC Is Coming To Town: Horse Puckey.


in

Horse puckey! That’s not a personal comment on the state of our fair city at the moment, so much as an observation. There are road apples everywhere! There are Democrats everywhere! In fact, you can’t pick up and throw a road apple without hitting a Democrat (as I learned earlier today before a short visit to precinct 11). 

Horses are out in numbers in an equestrian show of force. Children love them and terrorists fear them. I once heard about an unreleased episode of Mr. Ed where Wilbur was accused of harboring a Taliban warlord. Mr. Ed took the term WMD (Wilbur Must Die) to heart and it nearly spelt the end of the series until the plot idea was scrapped in favor of Ed giving free rides at a birthday party instead. 

The boys in blue – and their long faced, saddled and very continent counterparts – are on the case. Even though I nearly ruined a new pair of shoes this afternoon, I’ll take dirty treads over a dirty bomb any day of the week. Here’s what I say to 80 million dollars worth of security: “Yes, please”. I didn’t ask that my backyard be invaded by this circus. I have one more thing to add: “Hi ho Silver – all you conventioners please go – away!”

{ 4 Comments }