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Monday’s Quotelet: By George, He was a Funny Bastard


in Endorsements

George Carlin worked furiously right up until his death from a heart attack yesterday at age 71. The word “retire” wasn’t in his vocabulary, and it’s a vocabulary that was impressively extensive. This is a brilliant bit that I heard on the radio this morning and wanted to share. Godspeed, Mr. Carlin.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCljFYn3zTY[/youtube]

“I’m a Modern Man”

George Carlin, November 5th, 2005
Beacon Theater, NYC

I’m a modern man.
I’m a modern man.
I’m a modern man.
I’m a modern man.

I’m a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded.
I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new wave but I’m old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I’m interactive,
I’m hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.

I’m on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.

I’m in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.

A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.

I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up,
You can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless,
And I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.

Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.

I’m a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

Please read the rest here (it’s long and he had amazing memorization skills) or watch it above.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: The Right to Bare Arms


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: If you could live on another continent for 1 year, which one would you choose?
I am a “North American” in the truest sense anybody can be, as I am now unofficially a dual citizen. I love both countries, and would gladly bear arms on either of their behalfs because I am not a liberal, but the one other country I would (and already have) live in for a year is England. I love the music, movies, comedy, authors and pop culture in general of Old Blighty and have since I was a kid.

Soup: Which browser do you use to surf the Internet?
FireFox, 100%. I love the plugins, particularly AdSense Reader, GMail and GReader Notifier and “Copy as Plain Text”. The only exception is that I have to use IE for Quickbooks, and there’s even an FF plugin that allows you to assign specific sites to open only in IE and it does so in what looks exactly like just another FireFox tab. I suppose I should link to all of these for you, but you’ve got Google on your side, kids. I have work to do.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10 how much do you know about the history of your country?
A lot – I took several American history classes in high school in Massachusetts – a great place to be studying U.S. history because it has seen a whackload. I also had to brush up bigtime back in November prior to my citizenship test. As far as Canada goes I have been given (thanks Kate) and purchased an impressive stack of history books as I absolutely love the subject and obviously wasn’t here for the rudimentary Canuckian high school classes. The story of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and also text that challenge the myth, have been especially fascinating for me thus far. I went to a party in Ottawa a few weeks ago where the majority of the attendees were government employees spanning a wide range of departments and I asked them slews and slews of history-related questions. Particularly about how the intelligence arm of the RCMP split off into the CSIS in 1984.

Main Course: Finish this sentence: Love is…
Elusive, confusing, insanity-inducing (I speak from experience) – and that’s what makes it simultaneously wonderful and the worst thing in the world.

Dessert: Have you ever been in or near a tornado?
I’ve been in vicinities that have been warned several times but I’ve never been in actual danger or seen a tornado with my own eyes. The best story I can tell you is that of “Lost Lake” here on the Big Rideau. It’s not actually lost, nor is it a lake, nor is the area officially called “Lost Lake”. It’s spoken lake lore more than anything at this point. It’s a hard to find little inlet that was hit with a tornado back in the 70s. A woman was killed while sleeping in her houseboat, and you can still see enormous scars in the foliage where the twister twisted on through. I can find no mention of it online so I’ll take some photos the next time I sail past (the boat goes in the water tomorrow morning!) and get some more oral history from my neighbors. I hope to also get some serious sun, as my farmer’s tan is ridiculous and my arms look like candy corn.

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Reading Pye in the Face is Good for Your Career


in Endorsements, Nerdery

It’s 11 o’clock. Do you know what your search results are? It’s also 2008 and any potential employer in any industry who is seriously considering hiring or even giving you an interview is going to do one important thing first. Google you.

I was recently asked to guest post for a Boston-based search marketing blog and I have to tell you – I feel a little like Jay Leno must have before he took over for Carson full time. As I typetty-typed away, and attempted to be jaw-droppingly clever, I realized that with a slight spin towards the stupid the topic I had chosen could be extremely helpful to my friends, family and 6 other loyal readers. Pay attention, Mom.

Social media is a double-edged sword. A tri-cornered hat. A coat of many colors. Like a bag of wild squirrels. Strike that last one. You have sites like FaceBook and MySpace for social networking. Then you have sites like Digg for social voting. Then you have sites like LOTRO for social exile. And amongst the multitude of other classifications under the main umbrella you have business networking sites. Hang up your Scrabulous games and annoying FunWall forwards for an hour tonight and build yourself a profile on Plaxo, LinkedIn, Spoke, Ziggs and all of the other social business sites I’ve listed here.

social-media-nonos

“Sharon works well as part of a team“.
Enrique Gazpacho, trainee manager – Stinky Cactus Bar

Or by all means – ignore me and have the next HR person that leafs through your resume looking at your 1998 Cancun wet t-shirt contest indiscretions twenty seconds later. I don’t do this for a living or anything.

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Let Me Save the B.C. Taxpayers Some Money.


in Canadiana

I just read an article on CNN entitled “Fifth severed foot found on Canadian coast“. It gave me pause for thought, as you might think, and I read through it in its entirety. Basically there is an island in a normally very peaceful and picturesque coastal area of British Colombia that seems to attract floating tootsies. Here are the poignant bits…

  • Since last August, a total of five severed feet have washed up on the same small island near Vancouver.
  • The first four were right feet, this one was left. Daniel Day Lewis could not be reached for comment.
  • Some locals think it’s a serial killer.
  • Some locals think it’s due to gang violence.
  • Some locals think they are the remains of several men who were killed in an airplance crash shortly before the first foot was found almost a year ago.
  • Although tests are underway, there have been no DNA results to link the owners of said feet or establish identity.

These are all terrific theories, my brethren with badges to the far West – but I already covered and predicted these very events in your specific area several months ago. Let me save everyone on Westham Island, or the “Canadian Amity Island” as I am going to call it, some valuable time. Your suspect has a beak, tentacles and a penchant for ink. And I’m not talking about tattoos.

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