Pop Culture Blog: Music, Movie and Humor

Leveraging low-hanging synergies outside the vertical fruit box since 1999.

Let Me Save the B.C. Taxpayers Some Money.


in Canadiana

I just read an article on CNN entitled “Fifth severed foot found on Canadian coast“. It gave me pause for thought, as you might think, and I read through it in its entirety. Basically there is an island in a normally very peaceful and picturesque coastal area of British Colombia that seems to attract floating tootsies. Here are the poignant bits…

  • Since last August, a total of five severed feet have washed up on the same small island near Vancouver.
  • The first four were right feet, this one was left. Daniel Day Lewis could not be reached for comment.
  • Some locals think it’s a serial killer.
  • Some locals think it’s due to gang violence.
  • Some locals think they are the remains of several men who were killed in an airplance crash shortly before the first foot was found almost a year ago.
  • Although tests are underway, there have been no DNA results to link the owners of said feet or establish identity.

These are all terrific theories, my brethren with badges to the far West – but I already covered and predicted these very events in your specific area several months ago. Let me save everyone on Westham Island, or the “Canadian Amity Island” as I am going to call it, some valuable time. Your suspect has a beak, tentacles and a penchant for ink. And I’m not talking about tattoos.

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Deer in the Headlights. Literally


in Animalistic, Canadiana

These Ontario deers will be the death of me. 3 times I have had them dash in front of my car since I’ve lived up here and 3 times I narrowly managed to avoid the collision. As it tends to do, my luck ran out Monday night.

A big ass Bambi’s mama doe ran right out in front of me while I was on a dark rural highway going the speed limit (thank God. For once.) of 80km which is about 54mph. I went from bopping along to Feels So Good by Mase like it was 1998 again to violently slamming on the brakes as its head hit my left headlight before the whole beast went below the car and tore up the undercarriage. Deer was spit out into the woods and not seen again, but I doubt it survived.

I found part of my wheel well 25 feet behind the car (it was pitch black – I have since added a flashlight to my auto toolkit) and put it in the trunk. I walked back a little further and squinted for the deer but I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. It was eerie and incredibly reminiscent of the opening scenes of most horror movies. I won’t even mention the blood. But only because I don’t have to. I have pictures.

IMG 1918

Talk about remote – I was at the side of the road for an hour and not a single car drove past. Friggin’ spooky and my thoughts turned to the as of yet undiscovered communities of Kingston-area Sasquatch more than once. After slowly attempting to drive about 5 feet and hearing a loud scraping noise, I scooted under the car and tucked the torn edge of the plastic undercarriage cover under another part and drove very slowly, finally making it home around 2 a.m. My ABS light was on the whole way home and Tuesday morning I discovered a lot of loose wires hanging down from the engine block, so I assume there is some serious electrical repair needed in addition to the nonsense underneath.

IMG 1909

So yeah – That was the 4th time in the last year a deer has run out in front of my car. I bought these deer whistles that you attach to your bumper which supposedly scare them away as wind blows through them a few months ago but never stuck them on. Wicked smart. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration there are about 1.5 million car accidents with deer each year that result in $1 billion in vehicle damage, about 150 human fatalities, and over 10,000 personal injuries. So have a think about that the next time you give a hunter the evil eye. Deers: So cute. So, so very stupid.

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I’m sad about the car but grateful I walked away. The damage has not yet been fully assessed as I wait for a call back from the insurance company. The bumper is covered in blood and hair and was definitely pushed in before popping back out – but the “krinkling” is very minimal. Aesthetically, the car got off extremely lightly and the Charger will charge again. Like the Light Brigade. Eventually I’ll add my photos to this post but I gots to get to work now because my deductible is $500. Poppa needs a brand new insurance company.

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Not to be Confused with Mojito


in Animalistic

Do you think that if a genie or some kind of forest gnome approached you and granted three wishes you’d opt for the eradication of mosquitos as one of your selections? I would. Obviously several species of bird and a few other animals down the chain would become extinct immediately, having suddenly lost a major food source, but still – I hate the little fuckers and I want them wiped off the face of the Earth for good like the DoDo.

World peace, fame and fortune are all well and good, but the gnomes are usually sticklers about the three wish limit. So mosquito extinction, fame and fortune would be the order of my special wish day. We hosted a Spanish exchange student named Maria for a couple of months back in high school and I remember her and her friends were horrified at the mere concept of whiny little bastard insects that not only suck your blood but replace it with a poison which renders you itchy for many days afterwards. I even remember the funny way they pronounced the word: mossh-kee-toes – always with a disgusted grimace on their faces. Apparently they don’t exist in Spain – correct me if I’m wrong. And then send me an immigration document.

What a glorious thought. A world without mosquitoes. Depending on the time of day I can be surrounded by 10 of the horrible things about 30 seconds after walking out my front door. If I’m trying to get some work done I usually lather up in repellent, take my chances and deal with the resulting bite pains and neck scratching. I took a good look at my arms tonight while sitting at my desk deciding what to write about and realized I look like I’ve got some sort of pioneer smallpox. I have been bitten so many times since the snow melted and the bastard bugs appeared that I hardly even notice it anymore. I’m like one of those rattlesnake preachers: “Repent or face eternal toe knuckle itchiness!”

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