Shep and Rhuby are already closing in on 6 months of age, which is incredibly hard for me to believe. I got them at about 8.5 weeks and to think I’ve had the little devils in my life for that long amazes me. I was a devout cat person for years, and if you’d ever told me I would end up with not one but two dogs – I’d have told you to take another nitrus hit out of your Grateful Dead balloon. Then beaten you up because you’d have been a hippy.
So what have I learned in my time as a puppy daddy, I asked myself. What new canine-related knowledge would I choose to impart if someone asked me? Here are some notes…
- People used to ask me why I didn’t want to have a dog. My answer was that they smell bad and fart a lot on top of it. My biggest complaint about my dogs thus far? They smell bad and fart a lot on top of it.
- Separtated, both dogs are obedient little angels. If Janet goes away for a few days and takes Rhuby you’d mistake Shep for Benji he’s so darn good. Together they’re like Gozer and the fucking keymaster.
- The doorbell, even when it’s only on the TV, is cause for a code red, four-alarm barkfest that would make you think the free members of the Manson family are on the doorstep.
- Spiders and mosquitos are dee-lish.
- They’re getting neutered and spade respectively at the 6 month mark in a couple of weeks. We’re getting dangerously close to puppy potency, and I’m seeing more lipstick out than a Revlon warehouse.
- They don’t always remember commands. They don’t always remember their names. But they’ll remember exactly where the dead beaver was even if you don’t take them down that road for a week.
- You know how you’d never dream of smoking inside your own home, but if your friend allows it in their house it’s OK? My dogs are like that – with feces. They’re not housebroken, they’re homebroken.
- Cat turds out of the litter boxe are dee-lish. If I spot Shep coming upstairs and he looks like he fell asleep in a bowl of Grape Nuts – it’s straight to the laundry sink for a mouthwash like I’m a housewife in the 1950’s whose child just said “aw, gee whiz“.
- Even if it’s 11:30 in the morning and the dogs aren’t due to eat for another 6.5 hours, yell “you wanna bone?” when they’re misbehaving or have run off – and they’ll drop everything and come back to you in a split second. They’re a lot like Kim Kardashian in that respect.
- When they’re curled up beside you on the couch, all is forgiven.
If the vast majority of these points seem like they revolve around doodies, it’s because they do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guys and have made a commitment for life. I just wish there was a bit less “nauture” involved sometimes. I’ll live and it’s worth it. Just don’t call me Dr. Poolittle.
First and foremost, I’d have to be a complete and utter jackass to presume I could effectively “review” an event of this magnitude, so please consider it a… loving memoir. A week ago tonight I had the severe pleasure of attending SCTV’s Benefit of Laughter, which was a charity event held to raise money for the 
Although we originally drove from Ottawa for the event, my sister and I spent Sunday night at our cousin’s in Hamilton. We struck out for Toronto at around 5:30pm on Monday figuring 2.5 hours would be more than enough time to get into the city, drop my car off at a friend’s and then get a cab over to Second City. Toronto traffic, a bastard of a GPS system and one insane cab driver on mentholated schnapps later we were 10 minutes late for the show and just closing in on the location. May I suggest to Second City that in the future they print their address on tickets? Schnapps isn’t particularly good for one’s sense of direction. I’ll give them this, though – they actually called my sister’s cell phone to find out where we were and to make sure we knew how to get there. I know there was a long waiting list, so I’d like to thank them for taking that extra step and not giving our seats away.
The Job Interview: This sketch starts out with the big boss (Levy) introducing himself to a job applicant (O’Hara) and then asking if it’s OK if they have a group interview to save time. He then says that the other applicant will be arriving shortly. At this point, I leaned forward and whispered to my sister “I bet Ed Grimley’s gonna come through that door”, and wouldn’t you know it – he did. I lost it and had my first of many laughing fits complete with streaming tears. And guess who got the job? O’Hara’s parting line to Grimley: “You’ll be in my prayers, sir.”
