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Call Me Vincent Vega, Eh?


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Vincent: You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Jules: What?
Vincent: Mayonnaise.
Jules: Goddamn.
Vincent: I’ve seen ’em do it, man. They fucking drown ’em in that shit.

I’ve been in Canada for almost 7 weeks now, and I’ve been keeping a mental checklist of the “little differences” that I’ve noticed to date. Although I’ve spent a lot of time up here over the last 33 years, I haven’t been fully immersed like this in over a decade. Here are some subtle little day-to-day observations I’ve been collecting.

1. Condiments: Vinegar and gravy are available absolutely everywhere. Swiss Chalet sauce is making a bigger impression on me than bathtub meth. You never have to ask for ketchup.

2. Traffic: Is awful. Toronto traffic is at the levels that LA is famous for. An enormous, sprawling city of highways and overpasses. You can traverse the 401 to the North, or the Gardiner Expressway to the South – but either way, unless it’s between 2am and 3:30am, you’re sitting bumper-to-bumper for hours.

3. Traffic Laws: You can turn right on a red light. Some States (Florida, etc.) allow this but it’s a no-no in Massachusetts. I love it. I get back little snippets of time that make up for some of the traffic jams.

4. HBO Surprises: One of the first things I did when I got up here was figure out which of the cable channels was linked to HBO so I could be sure to see the last episodes of the Sopranos. The channel in question is called MMX, and their programming is quite unique. You have all your first run blockbusters during the day, but as soon as the clock strikes 11pm Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban is replaced promptly by Saving Ryan’s Privates. I’m talking full-on, hardcore pornography on a channel that five minutes before might have been showing Entourage. It’s simply fabulous.

5: Pizza: Canadians don’t know what a cheese pizza is. I think ordering a plain pie must be some sort of taboo which is done in private clubs in North York. Bacon is a big seller. As is BBQ sauce, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, hamburger and my new favorite topping – green olives.

6: Tattoos: Everybody has one.

I’ll keep adding to this list as I notice more of them. Feel free to chime in.

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My Scope Is Busted.


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Why do I maintain this blog? It certainly isn’t easy to keep up momentum. I have many other things I should be targeting and focusing my effort on. As I’ve lapsed off quite a bit lately I’ve had to ask myself if I still want to keep it up. Other than to make blatant SEO-related plugs for things like crown moldings, it doesn’t serve any real purpose in my life. Actually that’s not true.

Maintaining this site is like talking to a bartender whenever I need to without the downside of spending $80 and then not showing up for work the next morning. It’s similar to going to a confessional and talking to a priest for 30 minutes about niche pornography without then being told to convert. It could be considered a virtual shoulder to cry on that doesn’t then dump me because I’m ‘too nice’. It is many things, it is nothing. A drop in the blogosphere bucket.

But really, we’ve had a lot of fun here over the years.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Greek Demons and Scary Spice.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: If you could have a subscription to any magazine, which one?
I really like the British version of Loaded. It’s hilarious and extremely risquee. I used to buy them every month when I lived over there, and my favorite feature was called Porn-a-Likes. Readers would send in porn photos with ‘actors’ who resembled famous celebrities. Burt Reynolds was a frequent staple, as were various members of the Spice Girls. I think I once masturbated to a Scary Spice lookalike until I realized it was actually Terrence Trent D’Arby.

Soup: Describe your living room (furnishings, colors, etc.).
Filthy, yet large and extremely comfortable leather couches that used to be white. A tower of DVD shelves and the accompanying television and player. 2 PS2s and a big stack of games. Actually, this is a little silly. Click here if you’re really curious, and then immediately re-shuffle your life priorities.

Salad: What does the shape of a circle make you think of?
A flaming, stinking demon-infested vortex leading to the 12th sub-level of hell, donuts.

Main Course: Name 3 things in your life that you consider to be absolute necessities.
Food, water and shelter don’t count anymore? Alright… British television, Greek food and hockey. Strike what I said earlier about the re-shuffling. I’m obviously living in a glass Tudor mansion.

Dessert: What was the last really funny movie you watched?
Midnight Run was on a couple of weeks ago, and I watched it in its entirety even though it was edited-for-TV and I own the DVD. That’s a little strange. Regardless, it’s an under-appreciated classic which proved DeNiro had frightening comedy chops over a decade before Analyze This. Charles Grodin is also perfect as the mob witness Bobby is trying to take cross country. “Jack, you’re a grown man. You have control over your own words.” “You’re goddamn right I do, so here come 3 words for you – Shut the fuck up.”

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Of Course I Love You, Baby. You’re My Blog.


in Pye in the Face

This blog has been sitting neglected for the past week like a red-headed stepchild. And I’m sorry, baby. Of course I still love you. Even though I was stupid enough to create you in Blogger two years ago instead of Wordpress. Even though I use you to annoy people, find homes for roaches and tell far too many dead prostitute jokes. You’re my one and only, and I love your little blue, green and orange ass. No I don’t think you’re a baboon. You’re putting words in my mouth now, baby. Shhhhhh.

No you did NOT see me at the movies last week with Squidoo. That is so over. What do I have to do to prove it to you? Add another bad radio program to the sidebar? How about another guestmap, would you like that? More news about my leaky roof? I’ve got it – another piece about how rainy it is this summer? A picture of my cat? How about another joke about how I’m going to die alone beside a trunk of DVD porn? I haven’t used that one in a while. What’s it going to take?

And… SCENE. This week PITF turns two years old. To help you fathom how unlikely it is for a blog to ever turn two years old, that’s 14 in dog years, – and about 672 in blog years. I’d be giving myself a pat on the back, if I weren’t already giving myself a pat on the back. In honor of this miraculous occasion, I will be updating the “classics” list on the left hand side for the first time in forever to encourage a little nostalgia. Which is a little like inducing vomit, only less potentially damaging to the esophagus.

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I Still Have A Pony Barrel’s Worth Of Faith In Broken Lizard.


in Movies

Super Troopers is a masterpiece. If you refute this fact, you probably also think SlapShot is slightly less funny than the trailer for Meatballs 3. So despite Puddle Cruiser and Club Dread, which are collectively about as humorous as a slap in your grandmother’s wrinkly mouth, I am excited and most optimistic about Broken Lizard’s upcoming Beerfest.



Some photos were released onto the internet today, and it would appear we’re looking at some sort of a Strange Brew/Dodgeball hybrid. The official description from IMDB: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon secret, centuries-old competition described as a “Fight Club” with beer games. In addition to Will Forte, who you can see in the above photo, the Lizards star alongside Cloris Leachman and Jürgen Prochnow in the movie. The Frat Pack’s recent and glorious ressurection of the R-Rated comedy has paved the way for a silly flick like this, pornstar hollywood legitimacy, Home Depot jokes and I’ll be there with at least a half pint.

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Official Props From Squidoo.


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I mentioned yesterday that my Sopranos lens had been featured and was getting mad traffic. This morning, Squidoo sent out an official “Lens of the Day” release, and I thought I would share. I added a couple of bulletpoints for comedic effect. See if you can sniff them out. Should be quite a challenge:

After a long hiatus, the critically acclaimed HBO series THE SOPRANOS is back. And the fans are going wild. Dave Pye’s lens, Bada Bing: The Sopranos Central, puts any “official” site about the show to shame. This is where you can look up what’s going down on Sunday nights:

Dave‘s no slouch when it comes to his other lenses, either. He’s a top-notch lensmaster with a humorous tone and a great sense of the creativity and flexibility of a lens. Our community guru, Heath Row, did a recent Q&A with him. Here are some interesting comments and bits of advice from the profile (thanks, Dave!):

  • “Build a few good lenses and then branch out a little bit at a time.”
  • “Get a pet roach (accidentally or otherwise) to ensure that you die alone.”
  • “Several of my older lenses already have Google PR, so I know Squidoo is getting noticed and indexed. The speed in which you can assemble a reasonable lens is definitely a perk, as is the instant audience you get from other lensmasters.”
  • “Die alone with a jar of Cheez Whiz in your hand beside a trunk of DVD porn.”
  • “I think there will be room for a lot of personal creativity from everyone…”

Read more about Dave and his lenses at SquidU, our center for better building and promoting of lenses.

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The Dulcet Tones Of Scotland’s Finest.


in Uncategorized

“Belle and Sebastian are not snogging. Sometimes they hold hands, but that is only a display of public solidarity. Sebastian thinks Belle ‘kicks with the other foot’. Sebastian is wrong, but then Sebastian can never see further than the next tragic ballad. It is lucky that Belle had a popular taste in music. She is the cheese to his dill pickle.” – Jeepster.

It’s just sort of dawned on me that I’m going to see Belle and Sebastian tonight with the New Pornographers opening up. I kind of want to go to the bathroom and rub myself. Something had to fill the gaping void that Big Country left in my life. My new camera will be making the trip (to the concert, not the bathroom), as will Nate, Tom, Janet etc – and I’ll be sure to post some wacky related concert photos tomorrow.

I started listening to this band in early 1998 while I lived in England. Moynihan reccomended them to me over this new technology we’d discovered called e-mail. I ran down to HMV in Maidenhead and picked up the then just released ‘The Boy With the Arab Strap’ before quickly moving on to ‘Tigermilk‘. That CD would go on to join the Verve’s Urban Hymns as the Hinds Head lockin CD, and it was a glorious time to be a 24-year-old. Pisshead.

My excitement over this band has been somewhat muted by age and time, but 7 years ago I would have burned off my own pubic hair with a magnifying glass to get a ticket. I have to get in touch with that young fanboy lad tonight and properly soak in the magnitude of the moment. But definitely try and talk him out of the whole pubic hair thing.

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Wadio Pwops: Taz Sounds Off On Lush.


in Musical

Taz hasn’t chimed in for a long, long while. I love the way the man writes, and his knowledge of 80s/90s indie rock makes me look like a Menudo fan, so I wanted to share. I added a few hyperlinks for the uninitiated:

“Imagine my delight as I had my first proper shufty of the year at The PyeMan’s magnificent Blog (been on holiday in Thailand for 3 weeks folks, so that explains the neglect of this otherwise essential source of info for the Hamid Zeitgeist…) when I saw that 4AD post-Pixies Great White Hopes, LUSH came into the focus of the red hot laserbeam of impeccable taste that is Pye In The Face!

It warmed the cockles of my retro-indie loving heart! Took me back to days as a black denim 501s, trenchcoat and suede brogue wearing grad student in the early 90s and the late late nights wallowing in Lush’s dreamy soundscapes from the ‘Scar’ mini-LP and their first 12″ EP featuring De-Luxe, Thoughtforms, etc. Shoegazing was indeed a much maligned sub-genre of a great time in underground Brit popular music. The pioneers were the peerless My Bloody Valentine and the groundbreaking dronesters-par-excellence Spacemen 3 but the torch was then manfully carried into pastures newer and poppier by Lush, Pale Saints, Chapterhouse, The Telescopes, Slowdive, Catherine Wheel and many many more.

Some fell by the wayside, some enjoyed a modicum of success… ALL were interesting and worthy of both fiscal and emotional investment! These were heady times for guitar-driven bittersweet bedsitland indie-rock, and like Dave, my iPod still has a corner occupied by classic albums by the above, plus the other subsequent bands who kept the dream alive like Spiritualized and Low.

The great thing is, Shoegazing has now morphed into ‘Newgazing’. Check out my favourite exponents of this artform for the enlightened, NYC’s very own Ambulance Ltd. Their debut album is magnificent in it’s own right but will have you clued-up indie-kids digging out your old Lush and MBV albums with a wave of nostalgia. Respect to you PyeMan… once again your cultural barometer is giving all the right readings and the calibration is faultless! De-Luxe indeed…Taz, Frankfurt.”

There are worse things to have in your inbox first thing in the morning, like animated elf porn. Wait – did I say “worse”? Good to hear from you, homesnake!

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Fred Sanford’s Flatscreen.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Choose one – Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.
Right. Feta cheese, garlic and Kalamata olive Greek pizza from New London Style in Concord. Salivating and rubbing myself at the mere thought. Don’t ever go there with Jim, though. Most of the children in C-town learned to swear when they were unfortunate enough to be in that shop when Jim was there. Just don’t drop his sub on the floor and you’be fine.

Soup: Describe your personality in terms of a particular vehicle.
I try to be very reliable. So what is that, a Chevy truck? An Everglade hovercraft? I’m not sure. It’s Today’s Chevrodave.

Salad: If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?
Best Buy or Circuit City. I’d grab a shopping cart and head straight for the DVD section. Weekend at Bernie’s 2, One Tough Cop, Gone Fishin’. Leaving just enough time to make sure I could swing over and get a huge flatscreen TV, too. Lives are in aisle 5.

Main Course: Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?
I watch Sanford and Son like it’s what I was born to do. It’s the funniest sitcom in history, hands down. “Esther, Why don’t you go open up the freezer and make some ugly-sicles”. And Grady has got to be my favorite TV character of all time. Regardless of how his career continues to become uninteresting, I will always respect Eddie Murphy for paying for Redd Foxx’s funeral.

Dessert: If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you see?
I’d just like to be assured that I will neither die alone, nor be the end of my family line. Everything else is pretty unimportant. I’ve said it before though – a trunk of DVD porn will also probably suffice.

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I Sincerely Like The AHL Hockey.


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Site favorite Detroit Velvet Smooth works for the Lowell Lock Monsters as an off-ice official, and he’s invited me several times to accompany him to a game. I finally tagged along last night, and I have to say – AHL hockey is considerably more enjoyable than its older brother. I may be hooked.

I will be going to the Monsters’ game a week from today to continue my new obsession. It’s healthier than niche German pornography, anyway. Let me know if you’d like to accompany us.

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The Pixies Are My Girlfriend.


in Musical

Today started out pretty flipping rotten. The usual Sunday bout of insomnia stretched on until 4 a.m. – and a beeping hallway fire alarm battery compounded the problem. I awoke at 9 with little sleep and a lot less patience. When I got to work and discovered that our Exchange server was down, and we had no access to the internet or email, I looked a certain coworker up and down and wondered if his head would fit in the mail tube. Luckily it didn’t.

Then, in the midst of trying to ram a business card holder up my own nostril, I got an email from a friend confirming a rumor I’d heard a week ago and then completely forgotten about – The Pixies were playing a ‘secret’ gig at the tiny Paradise, and 300 tickets had already gone on sale that morning which subsequently sold out in seconds. It seems the band needed some extra footage for a live DVD which is in the works, and the show had been kept under wraps because space was even more limited than usual due to all the video equipment required. I briefly cruised Craig’s List looking for tickets/love and gave up when I saw absolutely zippy del nada. And anyway, I’ve seen the band 5 times in the last year and a half and figured I could sit this one out.

Then, around 3pm, I spoke to Moynihan who told me his brother Jeff was going down and I got the sultry damp Pixies itch (or Pixitch,) all over again. It was a special, mini-show with a small amount of civilians and the rest of the crowd made up of industry people and Pixies’ family members. I’d heard enough – and immediately my fanatical dormant fanboy alter-ego took the controls and I posted feverishly on CL proclaiming my willingness to pay a silly amount of cash for a ticket. I was on the phone with a fairweather fan named Matt less than an hour later. Money talks, and hipsters who wait in line overnight can walk/fuck right off.

I was only able to get one ticket, and as I sat in T’s pub by myself killing time before the show I felt very odd. But – it was what it was – and I knew I was lucky to be there at all. About 10 minutes after I sat down at the bar, David Lovering came in with a friend and stood right beside me. I met David on the street before I saw The Pixies at The Paradise in 1988 and it was as if things had suddenly come full circle. I approached him very calmly, shook his hand and wished him a great show. He was extremely nice and after speaking with him I walked over to the Paradise and headed inside. Albeit with the skippy fricking gait of a 12-year-old girl who’d just met Aaron Carter.

It was an incredibly cool scene inside – more like a TV show taping than a concert. I walked in and immediately located Jeff and his girlfriend. 10 minutes after I got there, the show started up and raged on unabated for almost 2 hours. I’ll go into more detail when I get the photos developed (I bought a disposable for the occasion). We were literally 7 feet from the stage with cameras on mechanical arms flying all around us and the house lights up full-tilt. I hadn’t been at such an intimate Pixies concert since 16 years prior when I stood in the exact same spot in the exact same building having the exact same hissy.

So I like the Pixies a whole hell of a lot, but it could be worse. Some folks substitute drugs, porn, prostitutes or a delightful mixture of all three in the absence of a signifigant other. If The Pixies are my substitute, that really ain’t so bad. The little tart has been putting out a lot lately.

See an ongoing discussion of the show here.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Crowded House Of Pain.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Briefly describe your living room.
You can have a look for yourself right here. Note the mugshot of a young Sinatra (it’s the same photo you can see on the wall of Tony Soprano’s office) then there’s the singing Dean Martin doll, the Tragically Hip tour pster over the fireplace, way too many DVDs, The Bullitt poster to the left of the fridge, a James Dean, a DeNiro and finally Tony from Big Country strumming away on the television. The middle of the big white couch is where I write the majority of my entries here – so welcome to my world. And if you want to see what the place looks like when the Concord or Welland boys come to visit, we can do that too.

Soup: List 3 things you’d like to accomplish before the end of 2005.
I’d like to complete all of the half-finished websites I have ‘in development’. A friend recently called me a ‘fanatical collector of domain names’ and she’s right – but there’s a few good ideas lurking amongst all the false starts, and I need to focus them into some revenue streams. But likely I’ll just start building filthy clown porn sites because according to my server logs, that’s an unexploited niche. Picture a red rubber nose that can also be repurposed as a ball gag, and you’ll see where I’m going with this/throw up.

Salad: When you’re online, what do you spend the most time doing?
Managing PPC accounts, checking on client rankings, hunting for custom made jewelry and looking for that perfect Boston Interior Designer. Nate sent me this site today where people combine band names. I submitted my own this morning and we’ll see if it gets published. “Pack it up, pack it in, let me rock it like the Finns…“

Main Course: What would the title of your autobiography be?
“Pull the Trigger”. I need to stop spinning my wheels about so many things in my life. I am getting better. I’ve pulled the trigger a few times recently. And if you’re giggling about the potential for euphamisms here, Punch the Clown instead.

Dessert: What time do you usually go to bed?
Far too late. If I don’t get 7 hours, I’m luggage. And I’ll never learn. But I have a sleeping disorder and many episodes of the brilliant Rescue Me to catch up on. If anyone has a bottle of sleeping pills they’re not using, properly and responsibly dispose of them by sending them directly to me.

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Three Periods Of Peace. But Who Still Gives A Puck?


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I’ve never opened Pye In The Face up to a guest writer before, but as the launch of my new joint-venture looms ever-imminent I thought I’d give you all a taste of what’s in store over at GoonBlog.com which launches July 31st. Detroit Velvet Smooth – take it away:

It appears that after a 300 day odyssey, the NHL and NHLPA have finally come to an agreement. The deal they are forging still needs to be approved, but they would be fools to turn this one down as any subsequent arrangement will not be as lucrative. As far as the players are concerned, this isn’t the deal they should have taken. No, the multi-millionaire club should have taken the deal that almost saved the season 5 months ago after Bettman’s initial cancellation. Surely you remember that most-magical ‘Glimmer-of-Hope’ weekend. I spent it constantly looking for hockey-related updates anywhere I could find them. And, of course, porn.

For the owners, this deal is exactly what they’ve been looking for – a salary cap tied to revenue, different arbitration rules and a chance to buy out crappy contracts that messed up the prior CBA. Mr. Holik – pack your bags. This summer will be like the Wild, Wild west on ice and without spurs. There are only 228 players currently under contract in the whole league. That means whatever your favorite team looked like before, it is probably going to end up radically different. The Crosby draft will be July 30th, so any team could wind up with the phenom, for example. The larger question is: does anyone still care? All I hear is about is the NHL is dead, and no one will be back. I call “shenanigans”.

The NHL will relaunch itself this summer. There will be new rules (a proposed ejection for anyone instigating a fight in the last 5 minutes of a game being among them,) new logos, a ton of new marketing and some groveling fan invites to bring us – the long suffering NHL fan – back to the rink. If I may go all Arnie on you for a second – I’ll be back. I will be the first to sign up for the Center Ice Package and the first in line for Opening Night tickets. So, come along for the ride with me. Check in at Goonblog starting July 31st for the latest enforcer happenings, and some general mucking it up in the corners. The NHL! It’s a whole new game.

Thanks for the contribution, Chris. Stay tuned, hockey fans – we drop the gloves July 31st.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: Big Willy And The Missing Link.


in Monday's Quotelet

Appetizer: Which keys do you have on your key chain?
Building, apartment, basement, suitcase, mailbox, office, grandmother’s house. All my other keys I keep in a locked briefcase stowed in the engine compartment of a scarab currently en route to Miami from Bogata.

Soup: What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Shelving my second degree and moving to England. Jumping out of an airplane was a little nuts too. I’ve still never gotten those photos developed, with the exception of this one. I did it at an airfield in Maine with a friend that I made while living in England, so I guess the two spontaneous events were linked in an odd way. Those of you who actually met Gus will also remember another strange link – the fact that he was the “missing” one.

Salad: Who is the best cook in your family?
Bill Clinton waved to me this morning as his motorcade sped down Tremont Street – and I wanted to fit that in somewhere today. So I’d have to say that Bill Clinton is the best cook in my family. All he ever makes is popsicles, though. They taste like brie and are high in protein.

Main Course: If you were to write a “how-to” book, what would the title be?
It would be a sort of “Die Broke” meets “Who Moved My Cheese?” meets “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” entitled You Will Die Alone Beside A Trunk Of DVD Porn.

Dessert: Name a recent fad you’ve tried.
I tried the Atkins diet about a year and a half ago. But then I realized there’s really no substitute for exercise. I also realized I was beginning to smell funny and hadn’t gone to the bathroom properly in weeks. Normally, this is called going to visit my parents. But in this instance, I decided to accept the fact that bread was my little yeasty buddy. Not to be confused with that girl I met at HarpoonFest last year.

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