During my aforementioned blogging hiatus a lot of things happened. It was an eventful sabbatical. A busy vaporization. One of the most traumatic events was the destruction of my beloved gun metal grey 2007 Dodge Charger. Here’s what happened. You’ve driven me to it (no pun intended) and I’m tired of answering the question.
It was a rainy, foggy Halloween night. I had just won first prize at The Cove for my awesome Predator costume and was driving home around 11pm. The elements, speed and playing with an iPod may or may not all have been a factor – but remember, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. I wasn’t hurt, I drove home and upon a quick inspection in the dark the damage didn’t look that bad.
Behold – the “Sexual Predator”
When I reported the accident 2 days later, after learning the insurance company wanted to settle, I got a ‘$100 failure to report an accident’ ticket. The whole affair was probably a blessing in disguise. Albeit beloved the vehicle was a deathtrap and nearly useless in the snow. She has been replaced by a black 2009 model with all wheel drive which I was lucky to find in Ottawa as they aren’t made in Canada. I really wanted another Charger but wasn’t going to get one without AWD.
Based on the existing GPS setup and the phone numbers saved in the hands-free, I was able to deduce the vehicle’s first (and extremely brief) owner lived on Causeway Street only 2 blocks from my old apartment in the North End. How it ended up in Ontario is anybody’s guess, but I’m guessing drug-related confiscation. Sometimes drugs are good.
I’m delving back in time about a year with this pre-election post on why I had serious reservations on what I was fairly sure was the eve of Barack Obama’s election to the Presidency of the United States. I’d sincerely like to open this debate to the general public – especially since I’m rebooting my blogging after the longest hiatus since 2004, and this is just the sort of incendiary topic which attracts eyeballs quicker than Meghan McCain’s sweater gremlins. I have friends on both sides of the aisle, and so far the line-towing opinions I’ve heard over and over run as follows:
The Bible-Toting, Wife-Beating and Racist Rightys
- “Obama hasn’t done anything he said he would. ‘Change’ my ass.”
- “The healthcare bill has been a useless, divisive distraction.”
- “The stimulus package isn’t working. Neither am I, by the way.”
- “The events of Christmas prove there’s a lack of focus on national security.”
- “Shhh! They have more than enough rope and are hanging themselves.”
- “Yes I want to see Avatar but apparently it’s Communist propaganda.”
The Delusional Moonbats of the Looney Left
- “It will take longer than one year to clean up the mistakes of the last 8.”
- “The stimulus package is too working.”
- “They don’t give the Nobel Peace Prize to just anyone.”
- “I know in my heart he still wants to bring the troops home.”
- “I always wear tight jeans while I drink my latte. You know this.”
As I said in today’s choice of Thursday Throwback, I want Obama to succeed because his failures are America’s failures and, despite my reservations from 2008, there’d be no “I told you so” joy in that for me. I’d like to add to these two lists of sound bites from comments which people may or may not leave in the comments. So please craft them as such – short and powerful bullet-points.
Again, it’s very good to be back. In the words of the immortal Harry Hardon: “Are you out there? You listening?” Sound off. Defend or criticize our 44th president the way in which you’re lucky enough to be able to do in this country. I promise I’ll get back to the dead hooker jokes tomorrow.
by Dave on January 27, 2010
in Nerdery
When looking at the specs for the new Apple iPad today, the first words to pop into my head were, “Holy Moses, that thing looks big.” The first image that popped into my head also had a lot to do with Moses. Uncanny, that. I whipped up a quick Photoshop (or Fireworks if we’re splitting hairs) for my coworkers and I thought I’d share it here.
“Let my people synch with Outlook!”
Aren’t I just the silliest goose? I have trouble envisioning even big goons like me carting them around – but Apple rarely gets it wrong. Glad to be back, by the way. If you’ll have me.
At least Filipino presidential candidate Rigoberto Madera – a.k.a "Star General Ace Diamond, Commander-in-Chief on Earth” – was once a Mayor.
by Dave on November 21, 2009
in Movies
Up and coming comedian, Bo Burnham, made a joke via Twitter two days ago that has stuck with me and induced chuckles ever since.
@boburnham: i cannot wait to see the next instalment of twilight. apparently, the real weakness of vampires/werewolves is shirts.
Edward & Jacob only thought they had their respective weaknesses down.
Transylvania 90210, as I’ve decided to refer to New Moon for our purposes, premieres tonight across the universe and has set ticket pre-sale records that have left Spiderman and Lucas in the dust. It’s easier for me to believe that Vampires actually exist than to get my head around the popularity of these books and movies. Yes, I watched Twilight. In between shots of Kristen Stewart biting her lower lip there was some semblance of a vamp tale. For many young people (girls), however, this will be their introduction to the rich lore of the fanged ones and that’s a frightening thought.
As a potential remedy that no one will pay any attention to, here are my 5 favorite batty flicks, and I’m hoping the legions of Mullen and Black fans get around to watching them before being forever convinced that the undead won’t kill you if only you have a secret crush on them.
Jerry Dandridge makes Edward Mullen look like Louis Skolnick
5. Fright Night: Yes, that Fright Night. Second only to Road Warrior on my “films to rent for sleepovers in the 80s” list, if you haven’t revisited it since legwarmers were in style – do yourself a serious favor. Chris Sarandon was born to play the slick vampire that moves in next door to Charley, creating a Disturbia sort of surveillance situation that leads less towards house arrest anklets and more towards exploding heads. Currently being blessed/cursed with the remake treatment. Hopefully not starring Robert Pattinson.
Swedish Girl Guides sell those little red fish door-to-door. Then fucking kill you.
4. Let the Right One In: I hadn’t even heard of this movie (it’s a Swedish film released only last year) until I started thinking about this article last night. I quickly downloaded it and can see why it has garnered such a fast vamp-fan appreciation. Uber-violent Stockholm romance with lots of children thrown into the mix as a bit of a differentiator. As for the title, watch the above clip and see if you think the little boy might have possibly just let the “wrong” one in. Come on – the Swedes have had it easy for a long, long time. It’s nice to see some bloodsuckers thrown into their fish-eating midst.
High on my list of nightmare-inducing movie scenes from my childhood.
3. Salem’s Lot: This Stephen King-authored spookfest was originally a TV miniseries, so when you plop down in front of the DVD release you’ll know why it clocks in at a whopping 3 hours. Directed by Tobe Hooper of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame and starring Hutch (David Soul) the parts are better than the whole. James Mason is excellent in one of his last roles and I double dog dare you to find a scarier vampire movie scene than this spectre of a boy scraping the pane with his undead little fingernails (shudder).
“Gimmie a couple shots of whatever donkey-piss you’re shoving down these cocksucker’s throats.”
2. Near Dark: The most underrated and overlooked film on my short list came out in 1987 to minimal applause, but has since evolved into cult status and holds a place near the top of every other “best of vampire” film list you’ll be able to find. Bill Paxton had made Aliens only the year before, and a little bit of Hudson spills over into his likewise over-the-top (and likewise no less awesome for it) portrayal of Severen. In spite of his mullet, Lance Henrikson personifies evil as Hooker and the above scene might just inspire you to head down to your local, get drunk and start swinging. Or dismembering.
The absolute pinnacle of nightmare-inducing movie scenes from my childhood.
1. Nosferatu: My preadolescence was a worse place for having accidentally run across this absolutely horrifying movie on PBS one Sunday evening during my 6th year on Earth. I’d be dreading the dark long before the street lights came on as a result. My cowardice is somewhat vindicated, however, because Count Orlock is no less terrifying to this day. Not bad for a movie that’s barely a fang shy of 90 years old. Also excellent in its own right is the 2000 film Shadow of the Vampire which imagines made-up funny and frightening events during the filming of Nosferatu. Casting Willem Defoe as Orlock probably saved the production thousands on makeup.
These are my personal favorites when it comes to blood-suck-fests, so don’t burst a vein because I left off Horror of Dracula or Lost Boys. Turn your dark side into lemonade, or something, and list your own favorites in the comments below. Happy New Mooning.
Kenny Wasn’t Like The Other Kids. TV Mattered, Nothing Else Did.
Girls Said Yes But He Said No. Now He’s Got His Own Game Show.
Remote Control!
And Now It’s His Basement, His Rules, His Game Show.
The Quizmaster Of 72 Whooping Cough Lane – Ken Ober!
The summer of 1988 was a tough one for your old friend, Dave. Being 13 years old is all kinds of awkward all by itself, but I had just moved to small town U.S.A. from Canada – a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My social life that summer consisted of a remedial Algebra 1 class at Minuteman Tech and watching MTV for hours on end. There was no such thing as reality television in the late 80s, and with the exception of a handful of game shows they actually played music videos. One of those videos was Never Gonna Give You Up. One of those game shows was Remote Control.
Gettin’ Silly Behind the Scenes of Remote Control
I will always remember Ken Ober and Remote Control fondly because they made me smile during a brief adolescent era when I really needed it. Today I’ll tell you that going to 4 different high schools is character-building, but at the time I wanted to swallow antifreeze and follow Heather O’Rourke into the sweet hereafter, literally. Pre-SNL wiseacres Colin Quinn and Adam Sandler helped make up the cast of hilarious recurring characters and the whole mess was held together by Ober’s quick-off-the-draw and bone dry humor at the podium as the show’s seemingly reluctant host.
“Ken Ober was one of the sharpest, quickest, sweetest guys I ever met. He was always a great friend and I will miss him very much.” - Adam Sandler
“Kenny Ober was and always will be the quickest wit in the room. As the star and host of Remote Control, he was a welcoming ringmaster who helped to kickstart the careers of numerous talents, including Adam Sandler, Colin Quinn and myself. He will be remembered always by each of his friends not only for his massive talent but for his true, deep and enduring friendship.” – Dennis Leary
Ken’s post-MTV production career has already been well-documented in various pop obituaries. Most notable was his work on one of my all time favorites, Tough Crowd. He was a long time friend and collaborator of Mr. Quinn’s, and Colin must be having a very bad day today. And that was just written by someone whose molar just split in two. Ober also had film roles in a forgettable Lethal Weapon spoof (although next to today’s send-ups like Disaster Movie it comes off like Gone With the Wind) and the forever-awesome Who’s the Man?
The official word right now is “found dead in his home at age 52,” and I sincerely hope the words “overdose” and “suicide” don’t make their way into the details over the next few days. After looking at the profile photo on his now lifeless Facebook account, however, my hopes are fading fast. Thanks for the laughs, Ken. You’ll be remembered beyond the reruns.
I never thought I’d find a YouTube audio/video mashup that amused me to the extent of my beloved Snatch Wars, but I was way wrong. Watch this little gem and marvel over the amount of time, patience and creativity that went into this. If you know anything about its creator or inception – please share.
Amazing Pulp Fiction Audio Mashup
Are you as impressed as I am right now? Do you have a favorite movie mashup we might not have seen? Do tell, motherfucker.
Michael J. Fox arrives at last month’s Emmys looking… absolutely fantastic. I can’t even make a joke, here. You’re one tough cookie, Mike.
Fancy another reader-generated Quizzlet for all of us to answer? I certainly do. I’m going to Tweet and Facebook this request as well, so there’s no escape for any of you. Please post any silly or serious questions (in the comments below) that you’d like to hear answered by your friendly neighborhood narcissistic prick – namely, me. We need a grand total of 5.
Appetizer: Who’s the douchiest celeb in Hollywood (besides Kanye)? – Dana G.
I’m glad you added that clarification, Dana, because I definitely would have gone after that ridiculous frigtard if you hadn’t. The word “celebrity” is a strong word to use when describing this guy, but the award has to go to Girls Gone Wild creator, Joe Francis. How he has managed to end up bedding celebutantes the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on the strength of simply videotaping drunken, barely legal females on Spring Break is a mystery to us all. Couple that fact with the jail time he’s done as a result of his paparazzi-pornographer status, and the recent charges against him for… everything under the sun… and he definitely wins today’s PITF award for being an outstanding douchebiscuit. Or maybe I’m just a little jealous.
Soup: Will the Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 remake merely disappoint the loyal following of the House of Freddy? – Angie F.
I’m really happy about Jackie Earle Haley being cast as the new Freddy Krueger because he’s perfect and without a solid Fred the film would die on the vine without a doubt. Meyers and Voorhees, both of whom have had their franchises more or less successfully resuscitated over the past year, are very different entities. They don’t talk. They wear masks so there aren’t even facial expressions to consider. Notice, pursue, kill. They might as well be mindless robots, so their 2009 versions weren’t all that critical to the success or failure of the new Friday the 13th or Halloween movies. Freddy on the other hand obviously speaks and was always played by Robert Englund as full of sadistic personality with a strong dose of wicked humor. In my opinion, on the “evil scale” Freddy made Jason and Michael Myers look like the red-headed fat kid from The Sandlot. The actor is therefore crucial in this case and Haley is ideal. Admittedly it will be hard for me to picture Kelly from Bad News Bears as a re-animated child murderer with 100% of his body covered in 18th degree burns. But he was nominated for an Oscar in 2007, so stranger things have happened.
Salad: If you could be just one player from a sport or an athletic team, who would it be and why? – Kat
I haven’t been following any sport recently, except maybe hockey, with the zeal I once did, but I’ve always had a soft spot for Larry Bird. Maybe it’s because we share a birthday. Perhaps it’s because I was absolutely basketball-obsessed as a kid in the 80s. Maybe it’s because he’s from a town called French Lick and hearing that phrase invariably gives me a semi. My point is – I simply don’t know why it’s Bird. But it’s Bird.
Main Course: What wedding song should be banned forever (besides Lady in Red)? – Seany Mac
How about that “Butterfly Kisses” song? If I were to hear it at a wedding in the Ozark Mountains, and the bride was in possession of three teeth, I’d think to myself, “Fair enough. When in Rome.” But when I hear it at the wedding of someone I went to high school with it makes me want to grab the DJ’s mic like they were Taylor Swift and then stop the insanity.
Dessert: Over half a year in, have your feelings towards Barack Obama changed at all, and if so – exactly how? – Matt H.
For those of you who don’t remember I wrote a long, thought out piece last year about why I didn’t feel Obama was fit for the Presidency and the specific reasons as to why. That’s not to say I didn’t think he’d ever be ready – quite the opposite. In many ways he was already very qualified. If good looks and a talent for public speaking were the major responsible prerequisites for the insanely important position he’d have had my vote. But it isn’t and he didn’t. Unfortunately, if you were to ask 90% of people back then why they were planning to vote for Obama they’d have said, “He’s well-spoken.” If you doubt me on that then your memory is simply selective. I still feel that his election was premature, he had precious little tangible experience and his campaign had an incredibly advanced grasp of the power of social media and the internet in general. That having been said, I’ve since warmed up to him to a degree. He’s been tough on troublesome international leaders like Putin and Chavez. He has brass balls. He’s a remarkably cool and composed dude – at all times. If he fails to achieve an 8-year term it will be as a direct result of his healthcare stance and he must tread very carefully over the next few months. Socialized healthcare sucks, and I’m speaking with more experience than any person should have. His legacy is in grave danger.
by Dave on September 15, 2009
in Health
I’m on one. And it’s a powerful incarnation. Not like health kicks from years past which fell by the wayside like so many dead prostitutes. I’m talking about the health kick of a 35-year-old man who has been forced to grow up a lot in the last 5 years and is missing that ever-important element of adulthood – namely, giving a sweet tweet about whether or not they’re due to drop dead from a heart attack or other unfortunate ailment anytime soon.
I am drinking alcohol in extreme moderation. Using milk in my coffee instead of cream. Not snacking after dinner. Walking my dogs instead of simply letting them outside. Investing in an elliptical to use over the winter. The offices my company moved into this very day come with a membership to their gym. I went to Bruegger’s Bagels for a snack this afternoon and came out with a fruit salad. A fucking fruit salad. That previously repulsive collection of melon, pineapple and grapes was the tipping point for me. I realized this time my “body is a temple” bullshit might not be more pathetic shit – but rather a core paradigm shift. A sea change.
I live in hope that is what this is. As do my children and their ancestors – all of whom have yet to be born. You have poor souls like Swayze who stay uber-fit their entire lives only to fall victim prematurely to a bastard of a disease like pancreatic cancer. Then there are Cheetos-eating clowns like me who lean over the railing and constantly flip-off the Grim Reaper like they’re some kind of invincible. I’m not. My parents weren’t. Not even Dalton from Road House was.
I’m shaping up in just about every way I can think of.
Next year MTV promises to add a new category to their Music Awards show – One for Unbelievable Douchebaggery.
When I re-read posts from the dawn of Pye in the Face, it’s been so long ago now that it feels like someone else wrote them. Especially if I haven’t seen them since the day they were published. Today’s throwback made me laugh out loud. Hard. I had to share.
Gremlins make poor Exorcists. Funny stuff.
Back in 2005 I mused about growing older, bemoaned how long I’d been in the same Boston apartment and started facing the fact that at 31 it was time to grow up. At least a little. My first baby step was to redecorate my bedroom.
Let me just say what you’re all thinking – My bedroom looks like the Chinese curio shop in Gremlins, if it were managed by a 12-year-old homosexual.
Little did I know at that time the evil set of circumstances which was about to befall my immediate family. Almost five years on from when I first wrote this I now really know what it means to mature. And I suppose everyone’s reasons for eventually doing so differ from person to person. I was forced kicking and screaming into it nearly 20 years after I graduated from high school. You might have felt it hit you the moment you were handed your diploma. You might also be divorced now, never see your kids and work in a miserable middle management job which forces you to consider eating a gun every night by candlelight. So I’m comfortable with my former Peter Pan ways, Tink.
Read my full post about growing up and I hope you get a giggle.
This is the back of my new business card. And I love it.
“So let’s brainstorm some new ways in which I can help your clients dig holes in their back yards.”
Thanks to my lovely and talented colleague, Kristine, for putting this together from one of my favorite photos of my beloved snow leopard, Shepherd.
by Dave on September 1, 2009
in
I was tempted to entitle this post “Fwix Fwucks Up”, but then I realized my Donald Duck impression has never been one of my strongest. Please read on.
“Real Time Local News” site, and current next greatest web phenomenon, Fwix.com didn’t do their Canadian market share any favours (notice I used a “u”) by spelling the nation’s capital thus – Ottowa. And here’s the incriminating URL for as long as it takes them to figure it out: http://ottowa.fwix.com.
I suppose it would be more accurate to say that they didn’t do themselves any favors (back to the American spelling now) in regards to potentially capturing Canadian news readers. If you need any clarification as to why I’m taking the time to gripe about this in public – they misspelled the name of Canada’s capital fwucking city. I’m tempted to pop over to http://warshington.fwix.com, but I have a feeling their proofreaders might have spent a little more time on that page – and thus my effort would be in vain.
Still, I’m going to add Fwix to my news bookmarks and see how things progress. It’s a new spin on the news localization idea and has a lot of money and brainpower behind it. Give it a look. If only to see if your town has been spelled without vowels.
A wire-haired dachshund from Long Island, NY recognized as the world’s oldest dog, died Friday at 147 dog years – presumably while trying to escape from Long Island.
Behold – the “Sexual Predator” 
