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Archives for August 2005

The English Mental Patient.


in

You all remember Taz, don’t you? Here’s a lovely little joke I found from him in my inbox this morning. I’m a bit strapped for time today, so please have a giggle and talk amongst yourselves. I will get to the Quizzlet eventually.

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry… do you know me?” She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. “Christ!” He says, “Are you that stripogram from my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?”

“No.” she replies coldly,”I’m your son’s English Teacher.”

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Twinkle, Twinkle Littlest Bar.


in Heartwarming

Downtown Crossing’s infamous Littlest Bar is closing its grimy doors after 60 years of service to Boston’s booze-bags. To make way for, you guessed it, detestable yuppie condos. Gentrification usually isn’t a bad thing, as far as I’m concerned. I’d rather live in close proximity to Biff and Buffy than crackheads and hookers any day of the week. Especially after my well publicized incident with a crackhead hooker. And by ‘any day’ I’m referring to Saturdays – because that’s when their rates go up.

But now we’re talking about the demolition of a stagger-inducing institution. A lowly liquored landmark loved by lots of lushes. I’ve written about this wonderful and historic establishment before, and there’s also a gallery of photos from Jim’s b-day that were taken onsite. My first date with a former girlfriend took place at the Littlest. I took Triconi there the night before his engagement party. I’m seriously bummed. If you have any memories of the Littlest that don’t include Monster necking with a sea donkey, please share them in the comments below. Good night, sweet pub.

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Wednesday Wadio: "Mississauga Goddamn".


in Wednesday Wadio

Even though these guys are from my old stomping groud of Mississauga, I had started listening to them long before I knew that. I think that’s important to note, as I’ve been accused of glorifying the Canadian mundane before. “Gordon Lightfoot could belch into a pinhole camera and you’d call it Sgt. Pepper, Pye.” Be that as it may, the two albums I’ve recently discovered by The Hidden Cameras have brightened up my week and I wanted to share.

It was hard to pick just one song to throw onto Radio Pye (which you’ll see in the left-hand column) but I finally settled on “Mississauga Goddamn” off their most recent album of the same name. The track has been described as “An elegiac moonlit stroll through Gibb’s old stomping grounds, accompanied by a sparkling Velvety strum and twinkling xylophones, it’s the bittersweet sound of a young man who can’t help but feel a soft spot in his heart for a place that did its best to harden it.” I can think of a few things that hardened me while I lived in them there parts – mainly my first girlfriend Suzanne, and usually behind the strip mall with the Beer Store on Lorne Park Road. But I digress. Enjoy the tune.

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The Way We Were.


in Heartwarming

“Mem’ries, Like the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories, Of the way we were.” – An Awful Harpy.

10 years ago, I was on a 24K dial-up connection at University which was constantly being interrupted by lovesick housemates. I used something called PINE to read my email, and my address was dpye@uoguelph.ca. I frequented mIRC instead of instant messagers, used Altavista.com as my search engine of choice and would happily wait over 5 minutes for CNN.com to load. And by CNN.com I of course mean Danni’s Hard Drive.

If you’re feeling nostalgic for the early days of the gold rush, have a look at this collection of screenshots to see how some of your favorite sites looked as recently as 5 years ago. It’s hard to believe, and it’s only going to get crazier. By the time I’m forty, I fully expect to be surfing the net on the inside of a pair of sunglasses whilst video IM’ing with people on my wristwatch. As well as hopelessly addicted to Nuke.

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