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Let Me Save the B.C. Taxpayers Some Money.


in Canadiana

I just read an article on CNN entitled “Fifth severed foot found on Canadian coast“. It gave me pause for thought, as you might think, and I read through it in its entirety. Basically there is an island in a normally very peaceful and picturesque coastal area of British Colombia that seems to attract floating tootsies. Here are the poignant bits…

  • Since last August, a total of five severed feet have washed up on the same small island near Vancouver.
  • The first four were right feet, this one was left. Daniel Day Lewis could not be reached for comment.
  • Some locals think it’s a serial killer.
  • Some locals think it’s due to gang violence.
  • Some locals think they are the remains of several men who were killed in an airplance crash shortly before the first foot was found almost a year ago.
  • Although tests are underway, there have been no DNA results to link the owners of said feet or establish identity.

These are all terrific theories, my brethren with badges to the far West – but I already covered and predicted these very events in your specific area several months ago. Let me save everyone on Westham Island, or the “Canadian Amity Island” as I am going to call it, some valuable time. Your suspect has a beak, tentacles and a penchant for ink. And I’m not talking about tattoos.

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Deer in the Headlights. Literally


in Animalistic, Canadiana

These Ontario deers will be the death of me. 3 times I have had them dash in front of my car since I’ve lived up here and 3 times I narrowly managed to avoid the collision. As it tends to do, my luck ran out Monday night.

A big ass Bambi’s mama doe ran right out in front of me while I was on a dark rural highway going the speed limit (thank God. For once.) of 80km which is about 54mph. I went from bopping along to Feels So Good by Mase like it was 1998 again to violently slamming on the brakes as its head hit my left headlight before the whole beast went below the car and tore up the undercarriage. Deer was spit out into the woods and not seen again, but I doubt it survived.

I found part of my wheel well 25 feet behind the car (it was pitch black – I have since added a flashlight to my auto toolkit) and put it in the trunk. I walked back a little further and squinted for the deer but I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. It was eerie and incredibly reminiscent of the opening scenes of most horror movies. I won’t even mention the blood. But only because I don’t have to. I have pictures.

IMG 1918

Talk about remote – I was at the side of the road for an hour and not a single car drove past. Friggin’ spooky and my thoughts turned to the as of yet undiscovered communities of Kingston-area Sasquatch more than once. After slowly attempting to drive about 5 feet and hearing a loud scraping noise, I scooted under the car and tucked the torn edge of the plastic undercarriage cover under another part and drove very slowly, finally making it home around 2 a.m. My ABS light was on the whole way home and Tuesday morning I discovered a lot of loose wires hanging down from the engine block, so I assume there is some serious electrical repair needed in addition to the nonsense underneath.

IMG 1909

So yeah – That was the 4th time in the last year a deer has run out in front of my car. I bought these deer whistles that you attach to your bumper which supposedly scare them away as wind blows through them a few months ago but never stuck them on. Wicked smart. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration there are about 1.5 million car accidents with deer each year that result in $1 billion in vehicle damage, about 150 human fatalities, and over 10,000 personal injuries. So have a think about that the next time you give a hunter the evil eye. Deers: So cute. So, so very stupid.

IMG 1921

I’m sad about the car but grateful I walked away. The damage has not yet been fully assessed as I wait for a call back from the insurance company. The bumper is covered in blood and hair and was definitely pushed in before popping back out – but the “krinkling” is very minimal. Aesthetically, the car got off extremely lightly and the Charger will charge again. Like the Light Brigade. Eventually I’ll add my photos to this post but I gots to get to work now because my deductible is $500. Poppa needs a brand new insurance company.

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Not to be Confused with Mojito


in Animalistic

Do you think that if a genie or some kind of forest gnome approached you and granted three wishes you’d opt for the eradication of mosquitos as one of your selections? I would. Obviously several species of bird and a few other animals down the chain would become extinct immediately, having suddenly lost a major food source, but still – I hate the little fuckers and I want them wiped off the face of the Earth for good like the DoDo.

World peace, fame and fortune are all well and good, but the gnomes are usually sticklers about the three wish limit. So mosquito extinction, fame and fortune would be the order of my special wish day. We hosted a Spanish exchange student named Maria for a couple of months back in high school and I remember her and her friends were horrified at the mere concept of whiny little bastard insects that not only suck your blood but replace it with a poison which renders you itchy for many days afterwards. I even remember the funny way they pronounced the word: mossh-kee-toes – always with a disgusted grimace on their faces. Apparently they don’t exist in Spain – correct me if I’m wrong. And then send me an immigration document.

What a glorious thought. A world without mosquitoes. Depending on the time of day I can be surrounded by 10 of the horrible things about 30 seconds after walking out my front door. If I’m trying to get some work done I usually lather up in repellent, take my chances and deal with the resulting bite pains and neck scratching. I took a good look at my arms tonight while sitting at my desk deciding what to write about and realized I look like I’ve got some sort of pioneer smallpox. I have been bitten so many times since the snow melted and the bastard bugs appeared that I hardly even notice it anymore. I’m like one of those rattlesnake preachers: “Repent or face eternal toe knuckle itchiness!”

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Taxing the Internet? Seriously, Frig Off


in Endorsements

A pal ‘o mine has just launched a website designed to create a petition against, and awareness surrounding, a proposed internet tax which could be implemented shortly after the election in November. McCain has already denounced it, and I imagine Obama will follow suit – so it’s not really a dividing issue. Still, you should be aware of it and I hope you take the time today to sign your name.

internet-tax

The tax will actually be aimed at ISPs (Internet Service Providers) and they will no doubt pass those additional monies on to you – their customers. So you’re not only sounding off on a current event, you’re helping to ensure your internet bill doesn’t suffer a considerable increase about 6 months from now. It literally takes seconds to contribute a signature – Mr. Zarrella strove to make it as simple as possible. Your email addresses will not be sold, distributed or otherwise spammed in any way. Do it today, and keep your many hours spent on YouPorn.com as inexpensive as possible.

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Hot Scum


in Canadiana, Pye in the Face

It’s been awfully quiet around here this week, and I’m not too certain why. My head wasn’t in the game, I suppose. I am trying to eliminate a lot of the things I spend time doing that don’t make me money. Silly websites, controlling Nico Bellic, Forensic files, etc. This is all in the hopes that I will spend said time doing constructive things. Working on sites that may actually make money someday or already do, yard work, walking the puppies. I think authoring this website, as scattered and therefore un-monetizeable as it is, falls into the latter category, as it’s the closest thing to a head-shrinker I’ll see round these here parts.

This reminds me of a post I wrote about three years ago, which I can’t seem to find for the life of me, where I spoke to my blog as if I were a douchebag boyfriend. “You’re my blog, baby. And I love you. Don’t listen to them busybodies down at the hair salon. I’m not going anywhere, baby… cause I love you.” Well tonight I’m that same scumbag slinking back to further ruin the life of the naive young lass. “It won’t happen again, baby. I’ve changed, baby – I’ve changed!”

I haven’t changed, and neither will Lorenzo. Truth is – it’s getting hot. Damn hot up here and I think I’ll be spending a lot more time at the computer over the next 4 months. People think Canada is cold. Well it is – a lot frickin’ further far North than I currently live. In Southern Ontario it’s no cooler than the hot asphalt of the North End between the months of June and October, and I don’t do well in the heat. I sweat like a fat person. OK, like a much fatter person. So I’ll be inside quite a bit, in the cool air of the basement office I plan to construct this weekend, and therefore a little more prolific. You lucky people.

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Friday’s Quizzlet: There Goes the Scotch


in Friday's Quizzlet

Appetizer: What was your favorite cartoon when you were a child?
I used to love Saturday mornings and remember that Dungeons and Dragons, The Smurfs, G.I. Joe and a bunch of others were always on my dance card. But the 70’s version of Spider-Man was my very favorite. I still remember every word of the fantastic theme song – lemme see if I can find it somewhere. Got it – wow that takes me back. I love the furious horns and the Buddy Love style to it. Must have been made in the late 60’s. I half expected a cartoon version of Sammy Davis Jr. to shoot lazers at Spidey out of his gold-rimmed glasses by the end of it.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o29VoxtsFk[/youtube]

Soup: Pretend you are about to get a new pet. Which animal would you pick, and what would you name it?
I just went through all of this, actually. I picked a dog, a Boston Terrier and I named him Shepherd. I also considered “Huck” (Huckleberry Pye) and Indy (we named the dog Indiana!) but Shepherd fit the Pye naming convention perfectly, and is actually a respectable dog’s name historically. “Old Shep” is a well known Walter Brennan song about a beloved dog and was eventually even covered by Elvis himself. I love Brennan – you’ll remember him as John Wayne’s old-coot of a side kick in several Westerns, particularly Rio Bravo. “I picked up my gun, and aimed it at Shep’s faithful head“. Jesus, I hope it never comes to that.

Salad: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you enjoy getting dressed up for special occasions?
I haven’t had cause to wear a tuxedo in a good 10 years but I am a groomsman at my friend’s wedding in September and was just sent a tux rental form for the occasion. I’ll enjoy it. I’ll make lots of Dean Martin jokes. Probably drink scotch all night. 2 fingers, 3 ice cubes – just the way Francis Albert liked it. Then I’ll fall asleep alone in a hotel room and wake up hating life. I get to go to 4 weddings in September. In 4 different States. And yes – I want to kill myself.

Main Course: What kind of music do you listen to while you drive?
Excellent question, quizzlet. Your excellent questions are few and far between. I’d like to take this opportunity to list my favorite driving songs of all time. I’ll number them, but there’s not really any particular order.

  1. RoadRunner by The Modern Lovers – Jonathan Richman’s tribut to Massachusetts and driving down Route 128. “The highway is your girlfriend as you go by quick. Suburban trees, suburban speed and it smells like thunder.”
  2. Threshold Apprehension by Frank Black – Read my review. I get pulled over nearly everytime my iPod shuffles to this track.
  3. There Goes the Fear by The Doves – All time favorite sinalong, and the nutty Brazilian rhythms will make the hours fly past, providing that you play the song 27 times in a row. Maybe that’s just me.

Dessert: When was the last time you bought a clock? And in which room did you put it?
I bought a Kids in the Hall clock off of eBay a couple of years back, and it hung proudly in my North End kitchen until I moved back to the Great White North a year ago this very month. It’s currently in a box out in the Winchester and I look forward to restoring it to a place of honor when I get around to going through all my stored stuff this summer. Now that is a DVD set I really need to break down and purchase, Santa. The series left me scarred. Scarred for LIFE! Bu-gock!

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Pupdate: The Big Fix


in Animalistic

Janet and I picked up Rhuby and Shep at the vet’s in Westport this morning where they’d been overnight after having been spayed and neutered respectively. Rhuby had a large uterus, apparently, and her sutured incision is quite long. Shep’s nad removal required only about a 3/4 of an inch slice which he already seems to have forgotten all about. Rhubarb’s stitches run three layers deep and are a bit more serious, so we have to keep them separated and aptly monitored for a good 10 days or so. No jumping, no horse play, no swimming, no baths, no offleash outside frolicking – no fun. This is not going to be an easy set of rules to try and enforce.

Now that the deed is done, a little bit of guilt has crept in. I find myself wondering exactly what the benefits of a fixed pet are over and above people telling me that it’s a “good idea”. Here’s what I’ve learned tonight…

What fixing a dog does:

  • Simply put, it eliminates hormone-driven behaviors.
  • Eliminates a dogs need to fight with other dogs over potential mates.
  • Helps curb the need to mark territory or to advertise ‘availability”.
  • Helps dogs remain focused during training instead of looking around for a female in heat, etc.
  • Makes it less likely for the animal to develop many types of cancer and other diseases.

What fixing a dog does not:

  • Neutering does not affect physical or mental development.
  • It does not automatically make dogs fat and lazy.
  • It does not make dogs less protective of you or your property.

I think I feel better now, to be honest. Here’s a question to all you dog owners: Have I missed any thing on my list? Are you for or against the fixing of man’s best friends? I think i’m leaning towards the “unless you’re planning to breed them, snip the little fuckers” camp. 10/10 mail carriers agree.

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Wednesday Wadio: Cut Copy’s ‘Feel the Love’


in Musical

From the first swirling synths and gleaming melodies of curtain raiser “Feel the Love”, In Ghost Colours asserts itself as a hugely magnanimous record. Everything here sounds stadium-sized, loved-up, and breezily inclusive. – Pitchfork

It frustrates me when the song I want to evangelize doesn’t have an associated YouTube video and I have to settle for something else from the same band. Such is the case today, so I hope to be able to get my point across and at least bend the year of a couple of you’se. The band is Cut Copy and they’re a solid rock/electronica (think New Order for a quick and dirty comparison) from Melbourne Australia. Here’s an alternate choice for a video, Out There on the Ice, which is a good tune but definitely my second choice.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI3tstEeY7g[/youtube]

For me, the first song on their new release In Ghost Colors is head and shoulders above the rest of the tracks and I’m shocked I can’t find more references to it online. Feel the Love is the pretty little ditty I’m attempting to share, and here are a few options for those of you who take my musical tastes to heart:

  • Listen to a clip of the song free on LastFM.
  • Listen to or right-click and download the MP3. Probably the best option for you, dear.
  • Treat yourself to a solid punch in the balls and go do something more constructive.

Feel the Love is very ‘joyous’ and I quite enjoy listening to it in my car on sunny days with the sunroof open. Cut Copy’s electronica influences and current usage is definitely very retro-80’s which is why I think they’ll eventually enjoy quite a bit of success here in North America. The rock element is well produced with great sounding drums and acoustic guitar which melds well with the silly synth creating a (somewhat) truly unique sound. Yes, this has been done before – but rarely as well, and never in Melbourne.

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Veekend Video: Wuthering Sheps


in Animalistic, Veekend Video

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOXmjh6wMyQ[/youtube]

Last week my neighbor Don came over to help me get the lake pump started, and Shep heard him approaching through my bedroom window. He proceeded to bark incessantly and I decided to take some video to undoubtedly use for something silly at some point. Friday afternoon my work productivity hit a wall around 4pm and I edited the yippy barrage into my latest cinematic puppy delight. If you dig Kate Bush, all the better.

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Speaking of Nazis


in

A blog post I wrote on a different website that I tinker with has been linked to by StormFront.org and is sending said site a ton of traffic. Before you report me to the ACLU the post in question is about a character in a movie and has nothing to do with white pride, white wine, white chocolate or anything else of a pale nature. I love traffic of pretty much any kind, but should I feel guilty about this particular source?

I watched a documentary recently that mentioned these guys and they all seemed frustrated with the fact they’re so commonly associated with Nazis and white supremacists. “We’re about white pride,” was the message they hammered home. Every other race on the planet gets to be proud, so why can’t we? I certainly agree with them up to a point. I’d never been to the website before, so I clicked through and have some observations.

  1. When trying to establish your credibility as a “pride” organization, a huge banner ad featuring David Duke and Don Black is a bit of a step backwards.
  2. A strictly “nationalist” movement shouldn’t use the classic WWII German font in their logo. The last time I saw this font used was on the box cover for Castle Wolfenstein, and we all know how that game ends. In case you don’t, you have to kill Hitler.
  3. Amongst all the forum threads for money matters, fitness and homemaking one really tends to stand out: Self Defense, Martial Arts & Preparedness. Are we preparing for the militia exercises in the woods this weekend or the impending race war?

I could continue, but I love my car and don’t want it detonated by a ball bearing pipe bomb with me in it anytime soon. I think I’ll stick to “Glad you like the site, gentlemen. Where do you get your hair cut?”

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These are the Nazis of our Lives


in Heartwarming, Movies

In 1981, when I was 8 years old, my father brought me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in Ottawa, Ontario. He was a stoic man to whom fatherhood did not come naturally, but we always found our common ground at the movie theater. I remember the night well, from the amazing film itself right down to checking the back seat of our Zephyr for mummies on the way home. Tomorrow, I am taking him to that same city to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – and the circle will be complete.

The only thing more unlikely than a fourth Indiana Jones movie might be that I once again live near Canada’s capital city… or maybe the fact that my 66 year-old father has a form of dementia that makes Alzheimer’s look like a garden party. If someone had told me several years ago that any of those 3 events were right around the next corner I’d have cheered, packed a snowsuit and then punched a wall in that order. Situations are what they are, and I hope that he enjoys himself and retains memory of the day to the extent that he can. It’s extremely strange to feel yourself slowly starting to grieve for someone who you still see everyday. It doesn’t take a narration by Freud’s ghost to explicate that the trip tomorrow is really for me.

I don’t often get personal on this blog, because sentimentality doesn’t tend to fit in well with giant squid news and dead hooker jokes, but the last couple of months have been rough. Things are sinking in, priorities shifting, novelties wearing off and I am starting to – dare I say it – grow up. I have to perform some calculated fat-trimming to my personal and professional life if I’m to be truly prepared for my next adventure. Sometimes, closure wears a fedora and hates snakes.

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Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus.


in Movies

From IMDB:

“Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has proved a huge hit at the Cannes International Film Festival on Sunday – receiving a standing ovation from critics at its world premiere. The fourth installment of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas’ famous adventure franchise was one of the most eagerly awaited screenings at the French event, attracting a huge amount of hype and publicity. But weeks of speculation threatened to tarnish the premiere after rumors suggested the film had been panned by movie bosses at an exclusive initial screening in Los Angeles last month. However, the film – which sees 65-year-old Harrison Ford return to the role of Indiana Jones after a 19 year gap – was praised by the world’s media, reportedly garnering a three and a half minute standing ovation by the select few who were invited to watch it, according to American industry publication Variety.”

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